My Prayer...

With the procedure looming...this is my prayer.

That I would not have a false sense of control that is caused from relying on medicine and science. I know, in my heart of hearts, that God can choose to use this procedure to give me a baby, or He could choose not too. He opens and closes wombs. That is the truth.

My prayer is that I will remember that the Lord is in control. The truth is, I could have 5000 eggs waiting to be fertilized, have this procedure done, and still not get pregnant. God opens and closes wombs.

My prayer is that I can let go.

Yes, God is in control.

Patiently Praying-

Much Love-
Al

Overwhelmed

I think it has hit me.

It has all built up.

And I am overwhelmed.

I hadn't thought about this month of not being pregnant very much lately, because there were distractions.

Then I got my period unusually early, and it all came flooding back.

I will start the medicine tonight and then next Thursday go in for my ultra sound.

If everything goes according to "planned", which I have learned doesn't seem to ever happen, Regan and I will have the procedure done next Friday.

All the uncertainty of this month's period, once again, being weird...combined with all the hardships we are surrounded by keep me on the verge of tears.

They also keep me drawing close to the Lord...

so for that, I am grateful.

He makes us strong in our weakness.

Please pray with us as we are moving forward in the journey that has taken us in a different direction than we could have ever imagined. Please pray that this is what the Lord will use to give us the baby that we long for. Please pray, that in everything, God will be glorified.

Patiently Praying-

Much Love-
Al

Where to start...

Without even planning, I took a break from the blog, and from thinking about getting pregnant for this month. Going into this month, with the drama of "my plan" getting thwarted with my crazy period, I thought for sure this month would be...well, pretty terrible. However, in the midst of the madness, it hasn't been too bad.

Regan and I have talked about, quite a bit this month, that we really feel like there is a spiritual attack going on around us...it has been a really hard, sad, and confusing month for us...and none of it has really revolved around not being pregnant.

In addition, our house was on a Tour of Homes this past weekend, and well, let's say that our procrastination made this month extremely full of house projects.

So, all in all, this month has gone by really quickly.

I had prayed that God would use this unexpected month to perform a miracle.

He didn't choose to do that as I started my period SUPER early on Sunday(Day 23). So we will go from here I suppose.

In the mean time, our hearts are heavy for our friends that are struggling with depression, losing fathers to cancer, pregnancies confined to bed rest at 20 weeks, drug overdoses,  and so much more...

Yes, I still desperately want a baby...and have cried that out this month from the depth of my heart in the midst of all the other prayers. The want doesn't ever go away, but there has definitely been a lot of distractions this month.

Patiently Praying-

Much Love-
Al

My Prayer

I needed to have a change in perspective.

I need to stop asking the Lord why?

I need to be able to rejoice as one of my best friends is having her fertility procedure done today. The same day that I should be having mine done.

I need to trust that the Lord knew this month would be happening before I was even born.

I need to believe that though the Lord has not performed the miracle of making me pregnant yet, it doesn't mean that he can't this month.

I am praying that this unexpected month will be used to His Glory!

I am praying, once again, that this unexpected month would exceed my expectations.

I am praying that God would move a mountain and that He would give us a baby.

Please pray with me.

Much Love-
Al

The Results

So...

After all that. After a week of waiting.

I got the call this morning. Some of the results have come in and some haven't.

Drum Roll here.

Normal.

Imagine that.

She said that the doctor reviewed the results and is considering the "spotting" I had on Friday Night, the 30th, to be my period.

So, that is it.

The nurse said that he suggested I start the fertility medicine then come in 3 days later for a ultrasound, however, considering it took them so long to get the blood work done, if that really was my period on the 30th, we are 12 days into my cycle and I am probably about to ovulate...

She connected those dots too and said she would talk to the doctor again, but was assuming he meant to start the process after I begin my next cycle...next month.

cue tears.

Patiently praying.

much love-
Al

I am a Mary...and maybe a Thomas

I called the trusted nurses line on Friday to ask for my blood test results. She didn't have them. She said they should be in on Monday.

So...the wait continues.

Friday night, Regan and I went to our churches Good Friday Service. The Pastor's prayer for those in attendance was that we would linger in the significance of what took place on that Friday so long ago. When you really think about what happened, there is such reason to rejoice come Sunday morning.

The tears started to well in my eyes pretty much as soon as our Pastor started preaching on Easter Sunday. The sermon was on 3 different people that Jesus appeared to when he arose from the dead. The first was Mary Magdalene. Mary, a previously demon possessed prostitute, was the one who sat at Jesus feet and frantically searched for him when she found the tomb empty on that Easter morning.

I am a Mary...

Clinging ever so tightly to Christ for fear that He has left and forgotten me. And in the silence, or what seem to be unanswered prayers...I get frantic. His response to Mary was not to hold on to Him, for He was going to prepare a much better place. He was going to be with our God, yet He would never leave us. He met her where she was and promised she would not be left alone.

The second person that was preached on was Thomas...doubting Thomas. It was really challenging to hear and identify with someone who had seen the miracles, sat under the teaching of the Lord himself, yet had to touch His open wounds to believe that He was the risen God. I would love to say that it wouldn't be me...yet, the doubt that I have about God being in control of this fertility journey is enough to remind me that I am no better than doubting Thomas himself.

Lastly, the third person in the sermon was Peter...

Basically, the general message was that Jesus met each of these where they were. He didn't condemn them for their present state, He just met them in their messiness and promised a better way.

My summary doesn't really do justice, so if you want to listen to the sermon, you can hear it here: http://www.midtownfellowship.org/#/media. I promise, it won't disappoint.

As I am forced to await the answers from the blood test, I am reminded that God is meeting me right where I am. He has not forsaken or forgotten me and the results, though I don't know them, He does.

Patiently Praying to a Risen Lord-

Much Love-
Al

Plowed Over...

For the past almost 2 years, every single month, I have prayed to not get my period.

For the past almost 2 years, every single month I got my period.

This month we made the decision to move in another direction...

This month, almost 2 years later, my period never came.

But the test showed negative.

I think that the emotions around this hit me harder than I had expected.

Yes, every month, with every period, I was sad and disappointed...

But to actually not get my period and not be pregnant...

well, that is a whole other level of sadness.

Just different feelings I guess.

Once again, I didn't know what to expect, but I didn't expect this.

Regan and I appreciate your prayers.

We are trusting that the Lord knew. He knew that this too would happen.

Much Love-
Al

" From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I." Psalm 61:2

My devotional for today found here.

Pin Cushion

The blood was drawn yesterday.

No period...still.

I am in this weird place of still hoping, though the test was negative, that maybe the test was wrong.

But trying not to be hopeful because that just leads to being disappointed.

I was told I should know the test results by Friday.

Thanks for your continued prayers...

The journey continues to take unexpected turns and we continue to learn the lesson that God is in control.

Still praying for that miracle.

Much Love-
Al

The Nurses Line...

Let me just tell you...

I love the Nurse line at the clinic.

By the end of this, they will probably all know my name and story since I call SO much!

Negative pregnancy test this morning.

Going in for blood work this afternoon.

Emotions...are high.

We really wanted this messed up period to mean I was pregnant...

Regan and I both.

Thank you for your prayer.

Much Love-
Al

Quick Update

I waited and waited...

and prayed and prayed.

For my period to come.

It was a really weird paradigm shift. Praying for something that for the past 22 months, I would never pray for.

The spotting came and was sometimes the same as normal and sometimes not.

Nothing this month has been consistent or the same as any other month.

The nurse at the fertility clinic told me to wait until I had 2 consecutive days of bleeding and that would indicate that my period had come.

2 consecutive days never came.

I thought it would start, and then, the next day...nothing.

So, it seems as though, as much as I thought this month would be the month to move forward with fertility treatment. It won't be.

I never started my period, so there will be no blood work. No fertility medicine and no plan for the procedure.

I am sad and disappointed...

but keep reminding myself that this...

this too...

is in God's control.

Please pray for me.

Much love-
Al