I am having a pretty good day.
A lot of times, I get to this place where, honestly, I am just tired of being sad.
That is where I am now.
So, I am choosing to be excited about another month and another opportunity.
I am working on being positive, not jealous, at peace, and hopeful.
Here is to Day #1
Patiently Praying-
Much Love-
Al
Friday, July 29, 2011
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Short and Simple
I was just writing my friend in Ethiopia an email and was overcome by sadness.
I thought about the fact that when she gets back, all three of my best friends will have babies.
I thought about how they can go on walks and push their babies and talk about all things baby.
I thought about how I won't be able to relate to that.
I am jealous and I am sad.
Patiently Praying.
Much love-
Al
I thought about the fact that when she gets back, all three of my best friends will have babies.
I thought about how they can go on walks and push their babies and talk about all things baby.
I thought about how I won't be able to relate to that.
I am jealous and I am sad.
Patiently Praying.
Much love-
Al
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
TOC, PG, and all that jargin
I caved.
I googled.
This was my search:
" Why am I not getting pregnant when all my fertility test come back normal"
(gotta love the internet and the ability to search for ANYTHING)
Diagnosis: Unexplained Fertility.
Literally, that was it. I read more than I should have about a number of women who have tried and tried to get pregnant, had all the test done, and nothing was wrong.
I have decided that I won't let myself go there again.
I have also decided that I am thankful that the God that I believe is in control, is a God that understands everything and to Him...
nothing is unexplained.
Patiently Praying-
Much Love-
Al
ps...you would be shocked by all the acronyms associated with fertility...
(TOC = Trying to Conceive and PG = Pregnant)
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
My trust can and can't be in the test...
It is around this week of the month, that I feel like I could write multiple post a day about how I am feeling. In the middle of the month (middle of the cycle), I am calm, not questioning, not reeling with emotion, and therefore not bursting with blog content. So, I guess that reality is...this is a venue for me to express my emotions.
I mentioned in an earlier post that Regan and I recently went through some testing in order to rule out the fact that anything was wrong with us, and therefore keeping us from getting pregnant. One of the test conducted was, in layman's terms, a dye test. Basically, thisuncomfortable painful test had a radiologist inject dye into my fallopian tubes in hopes that it would spill out through my ovaries. The purpose of the test was to make sure that there was no blockage in the fallopian tubes that would inhibit "free travel"! Here is one of the pics from the test...
(I took this picture in the room where the test was conducted to show Regan! I am sure the tech thought I was crazy!)
Anyway, as you can see from the picture above, everything went as it should have. The technician did say that the right side was a little slower "spilling" out than the left, but in the end...everything looked "Normal".
When Regan and I were at the doctor and she was prepping us for these test, she said that this dye test would work like Roto Rooter, in that it cleans everything out! Her exact quote was,
" The 3 months after this test are the most fertile months." " Let's wait and see what happens during those 3 months, I can't tell you how many women come in after they have this test and are pregnant."
Those words were like music to my ears. My exact thoughts at that moment were, that WILL be me! This will be what works for us! I was determined to have the test, and have it done as soon as possible.
Well, as I am starting my period this month, it will be the 2nd month of my "MOST FERTILE MONTHS". In my head, time is running out. But is it really?
I have realized since that test, that subconsciously, I have put a lot of hope and trust in this test. Yes, the test was great in that it showed that there was no blockage occurring, and yes, there is truth in that. However, there is no truth in the fact that the test will make me pregnant. I am learning that daily. I have found myself clinging and grasping to these "most fertile months" and begging God to work within them, ultimately, not trusting that His plan doesn't rely on the test timing, but on His timing alone.
There is something to be said about the comfort and the trust that we have found in modern day medicine. I am incredibly thankful that it provides answers to the unknown. However, in my need to control, I have also found that it does more than answer my questions. It creates a seed of trusting in a false feeling of control. Trusting in the test, more than I am trusting in the Lord. It really is a hard balance. We are so blessed to know, based on the results of these test, that there is nothing wrong. I believe that the Lord has provided that comfort. In my human, controlling, nature...I have abused the information gathered from these test and allowed them to hold a greater significance. I have allowed these answers to comfort me, instead of allowing the Lord to comfort me.
Lord, my prayer is that You would be my Hope. You have showed me that you are greater than these test. That your timing and plan doesn't revolve around the results. Please give me the ability to trust that you are still working.That I will cling to you and that I would run to you for my comfort.
I am heading into month 3, and though everything in me wants to scream that time is running out....
I choose now to trust in the Lord's timing.
Patiently Praying-
Much love,
Al
" My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
2 Cor. 12:9
I mentioned in an earlier post that Regan and I recently went through some testing in order to rule out the fact that anything was wrong with us, and therefore keeping us from getting pregnant. One of the test conducted was, in layman's terms, a dye test. Basically, this
Anyway, as you can see from the picture above, everything went as it should have. The technician did say that the right side was a little slower "spilling" out than the left, but in the end...everything looked "Normal".
When Regan and I were at the doctor and she was prepping us for these test, she said that this dye test would work like Roto Rooter, in that it cleans everything out! Her exact quote was,
" The 3 months after this test are the most fertile months." " Let's wait and see what happens during those 3 months, I can't tell you how many women come in after they have this test and are pregnant."
Those words were like music to my ears. My exact thoughts at that moment were, that WILL be me! This will be what works for us! I was determined to have the test, and have it done as soon as possible.
Well, as I am starting my period this month, it will be the 2nd month of my "MOST FERTILE MONTHS". In my head, time is running out. But is it really?
I have realized since that test, that subconsciously, I have put a lot of hope and trust in this test. Yes, the test was great in that it showed that there was no blockage occurring, and yes, there is truth in that. However, there is no truth in the fact that the test will make me pregnant. I am learning that daily. I have found myself clinging and grasping to these "most fertile months" and begging God to work within them, ultimately, not trusting that His plan doesn't rely on the test timing, but on His timing alone.
There is something to be said about the comfort and the trust that we have found in modern day medicine. I am incredibly thankful that it provides answers to the unknown. However, in my need to control, I have also found that it does more than answer my questions. It creates a seed of trusting in a false feeling of control. Trusting in the test, more than I am trusting in the Lord. It really is a hard balance. We are so blessed to know, based on the results of these test, that there is nothing wrong. I believe that the Lord has provided that comfort. In my human, controlling, nature...I have abused the information gathered from these test and allowed them to hold a greater significance. I have allowed these answers to comfort me, instead of allowing the Lord to comfort me.
Lord, my prayer is that You would be my Hope. You have showed me that you are greater than these test. That your timing and plan doesn't revolve around the results. Please give me the ability to trust that you are still working.That I will cling to you and that I would run to you for my comfort.
I am heading into month 3, and though everything in me wants to scream that time is running out....
I choose now to trust in the Lord's timing.
Patiently Praying-
Much love,
Al
" My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
2 Cor. 12:9
Monday, July 25, 2011
Dichotomy is a big word!
As defined by Webster's dictionary...
di·chot·o·my
: a division into two especially mutually exclusive or contradictory groups or entities <the dichotomy between theory and practice>; also : the process or practice of making such a division <dichotomy of the population into two opposed classes>
It is an odd thing really. I didn't know it was possible until a few years ago as I was going through some counseling and working on some different things that were going on in my life. I was shocked, surprised, and relieved to find out that I wasn't crazy. That your heart and your mind could feel two vastly different emotions at the same time. It doesn't make sense really, and it is still, to this day hard to understand. But today, that is exactly where I am. I have a dichotomy of feelings going on in my head and heart. I think that really, most days, I have this. It's just that some days, like today, it is so evident.
It started like this...
Wake up and I am spotting. Awesome.
I take a shower and cry/pray out to the Lord. "Please give me peace. Help me to trust in Your plans."
Then I get an email that starts like this:
"Good News!! Our birthmother showed up, we saw the judge, and "L" legally became our daughter!"
I am so excited for the friend above, and sooo extremely sad for myself. I don't necessarily think that this is me being selfish either! I can definitely admit and recognize when I am being selfish, and I don't think that this is one of those times.
I am sad and I am happy. The sadness definitely is more evident now than the happiness, but I know they are both there.
I am sad that another month goes by that we are not pregnant.
I am sad that the experience of having kids is something that I can't share yet with those that I am closest too.
I am sad that I am still having trouble finding peace and trusting in the Lord.
I am sad that I allow this situation to rob me of joy.
I am just sad. Just plain sad.
Our devotional this morning was about how being thankful draws you closer to God. I pray today, that the Lord will change my mind set. That He will draw close.
1 Thessalonians 5:18
"Rejoice always, 17 pray continually, 18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. "
To be thankful that I get my period.
To be thankful that it means that I can get pregnant.
To be thankful that he has allowed my friends to have babies.
To be thankful that HE is in control still.
Is there such thing as a Trichotomy? There must be, because today...
I will be Thankful, Happy, and Sad.
Patiently Praying...
Much love-
Al
"Even if the fig tree does not bloom and the vines have no grapes, even if the olive tree fails to produce and the fields yield no food, even if the sheep pen is empty and the stalls have no cattle — even then, I will be happy with the Lord. I will truly find joy in God, who saves me.” Habakkuk 3:17-18 (GW)
"Even if the fig tree does not bloom and the vines have no grapes, even if the olive tree fails to produce and the fields yield no food, even if the sheep pen is empty and the stalls have no cattle — even then, I will be happy with the Lord. I will truly find joy in God, who saves me.” Habakkuk 3:17-18 (GW)
Friday, July 22, 2011
Countdown to Craziness
Well...
It is about to be that week. The one week of the month that, for the past year, has been the dreaded week.
Here is why:
- I get anxious every time I go to the bathroom...have I started?
- I read into every little sign my body has, is that a cramp? What is that weird feeling?
- I try and mentally prepare myself for "starting" but honestly, I am still hopefully. Every month.
- I get sad.
- Then, the cycle continues...
The Dreaded Week.
Patiently Praying.
Much Love-
Al
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
So what's next?
Isn't that always the question? It seems as though our culture and society revolve around instant gratification and the "what next" complex. But what happens when you are just stuck?
I feel like no matter where you are in life, you always find yourself asking this question.
Regan and I have been trying to have a baby for just about a year now. Though I thought it would happen sooner and easily, I always had in my head... "once we have been trying for a year, we will go to the doctor and have some test." I think that was my thought process because the doctor had told me that they don't even start to look into things until it had been a year. Anyway, in the back of my head, for this past year I had the answer to my "what next" question. Go to the doctor. And to the doctor we went.
In our appointment, Regan went with me, we discussed the testing process that we would go through to make sure that everything was okay. This was a range of blood work, x-rays, some test on Regan, etc. At the end of this check list, we would have a better idea of what was going on.
Within a month, we had the check list completed (I am efficient :)) and the results were in.
Normal.
Everything was Normal.
Though a rush of relief came over both Regan and I, I did admit later in the day that in a way, I was honestly disappointed. It sort of would have been easier for the test to identify that something was wrong, work towards fixing it, and have an answer to why we hadn't gotten pregnant yet. Instead, we were now stuck in a place of..."what next" since the "going to the doctor" answer was no longer applicable.
I was just asked the other day from a close and pregnant friend of mine, when I thought I would be ready to explore more. The exact question was something to the extent of "Do you think you are at a place where you are ready to try something else". ie fertility medicines, fertility doctors, etc. Internally and honestly, I wanted to punch her, of course I would never do that, and she is pregnant none the less! Outwardly, I just took a deep breath and responded...
No.
Am I at a place where I am dying to know what is next?!? ABSOLUTELY.
Am I at a place where I am grasping to give myself a false sense of control by "exploring" other options?!? ABSOLUTELY
Will I let myself go there right now?!? NO
We are on month 2 of "after the doctor what is next?" life. The test results are clear. Everything is normal. To me, that normal can only mean one thing. There is no answer right now to what is next for us. Only the Lord knows the answer to that question. I am fighting daily to cling to that reality and truth. No matter what test we have, how many doctors we see, or what steps we explore next...there will always be a "what's next". I have realized that my tendency is to be extremely judgmental of my friends who have taken the "what next" question into their own control and pursued, pursued, and pursued the answer whether it be through adoption or fertility treatments. I envy their answers and their pregnancy's. However, the truth keeps coming to mind...
Regardless of their motives, the Lord is still the answer to their pursuits. Had His plan been for them not to get pregnant or get an adoption referral, He would have kept that from happening.
Learning to be content in the unknown, content in not knowing the answer to "What's next" may be one of the hardest places to be. Realizing that the only answer truly is "God has a plan and knows the answer" has to be enough for me right now. I pray daily that the Lord will answer this lingering question with a baby of our own. However, I am begining to realize that honestly, I am just a slow learner. Seeing that this a question that I continually find myself asking through out my life. I guess I should just be praying that the Lord will help me to be content in the unknown because it will always be there, even after this question is answered.
The truth is, we are living the answer to the "what's next" question. Our daily lives are the answer to that because the Lord has us right where he wants us every minute of every day.
Patiently Praying...
Much love-
Al
I feel like no matter where you are in life, you always find yourself asking this question.
Regan and I have been trying to have a baby for just about a year now. Though I thought it would happen sooner and easily, I always had in my head... "once we have been trying for a year, we will go to the doctor and have some test." I think that was my thought process because the doctor had told me that they don't even start to look into things until it had been a year. Anyway, in the back of my head, for this past year I had the answer to my "what next" question. Go to the doctor. And to the doctor we went.
In our appointment, Regan went with me, we discussed the testing process that we would go through to make sure that everything was okay. This was a range of blood work, x-rays, some test on Regan, etc. At the end of this check list, we would have a better idea of what was going on.
Within a month, we had the check list completed (I am efficient :)) and the results were in.
Normal.
Everything was Normal.
Though a rush of relief came over both Regan and I, I did admit later in the day that in a way, I was honestly disappointed. It sort of would have been easier for the test to identify that something was wrong, work towards fixing it, and have an answer to why we hadn't gotten pregnant yet. Instead, we were now stuck in a place of..."what next" since the "going to the doctor" answer was no longer applicable.
I was just asked the other day from a close and pregnant friend of mine, when I thought I would be ready to explore more. The exact question was something to the extent of "Do you think you are at a place where you are ready to try something else". ie fertility medicines, fertility doctors, etc. Internally and honestly, I wanted to punch her, of course I would never do that, and she is pregnant none the less! Outwardly, I just took a deep breath and responded...
No.
Am I at a place where I am dying to know what is next?!? ABSOLUTELY.
Am I at a place where I am grasping to give myself a false sense of control by "exploring" other options?!? ABSOLUTELY
Will I let myself go there right now?!? NO
We are on month 2 of "after the doctor what is next?" life. The test results are clear. Everything is normal. To me, that normal can only mean one thing. There is no answer right now to what is next for us. Only the Lord knows the answer to that question. I am fighting daily to cling to that reality and truth. No matter what test we have, how many doctors we see, or what steps we explore next...there will always be a "what's next". I have realized that my tendency is to be extremely judgmental of my friends who have taken the "what next" question into their own control and pursued, pursued, and pursued the answer whether it be through adoption or fertility treatments. I envy their answers and their pregnancy's. However, the truth keeps coming to mind...
Regardless of their motives, the Lord is still the answer to their pursuits. Had His plan been for them not to get pregnant or get an adoption referral, He would have kept that from happening.
Learning to be content in the unknown, content in not knowing the answer to "What's next" may be one of the hardest places to be. Realizing that the only answer truly is "God has a plan and knows the answer" has to be enough for me right now. I pray daily that the Lord will answer this lingering question with a baby of our own. However, I am begining to realize that honestly, I am just a slow learner. Seeing that this a question that I continually find myself asking through out my life. I guess I should just be praying that the Lord will help me to be content in the unknown because it will always be there, even after this question is answered.
The truth is, we are living the answer to the "what's next" question. Our daily lives are the answer to that because the Lord has us right where he wants us every minute of every day.
Patiently Praying...
Much love-
Al
Monday, July 18, 2011
A week in and I already took a break!
It is kinda funny, this blog is. I thought that I would be one to look forward to writing every day. Then I went on vacation. I didn't write once.
It doesn't matter though, because no one reads it anyway! So, I took a vacation from myself. The writer and the sole reader!
Something on my ever growing list of potential blog post is the topic of adoption. What I have yet to share is the fact that I am adopted. The experience of being adopted, for me at least, has been no different than being a biological child of my parents. My older sister and I are both adopted and my younger sister is biological. My parents, have never made any differentiation between the two and we have known since as early as I can remember. It was always stressed that family is family, a unit created by God, no matter how you got there. For that, I am forever grateful.
For a long time, I thought that one of the only obvious effects of being adopted was the deep seeded fear of not being able to have kids. Really, in learning and evaluating, all women (or most I talk to) fear not being able to get pregnant. However, I think that being adopted, you hear so much about your adoptive mom not being able to get pregnant (for that is most of the reason people adopt anyway), that you begin to associate yourself with that, forgetting that obviously, your birth mom got pregnant unexpectedly.
However, in a recent conversation with my mom, she brought to light that maybe, just maybe, there are other underlying issues that I have yet to deal with, much less even realize are associated with being adopted. Simply having been raised by the best, most loving and caring, constantly supportive in every way, parents doesn't change the obvious...
I was given up.
Does given up = Not wanted and Not Good Enough?
Does given up = Being Left Out?
Much to the credit of my mom asking some pretty hard questions, I am begining to see that somewhere along the way, I believed that the above are equal. No matter how many times I have heard that "it is a greater love that causes a birth mom to give up her child", I have associated it more so with a "not being good enough to keep" decision. A "not fitting into her life, hence being left out" decision. These beliefs have effected every reaction and decision I have made since I started to believe that lie. I have thought about this before, and even prayed about it to an extent. But for the most part, I think I have felt like I have worked through it in my head and not in my heart. These lies still have an obvious root in my heart and something that I definitely need to look into and pray about more.
I am being confronted with adoption more and more through this struggle that Regan and I find ourselves in. It is something that we have always said we want to play a role in how our family looks. Being adopted has given me a heart for it. However, I now find myself wrestling with the fact that as much as I love and preach adoption, in the depths of my honest heart, I have to admit that adoption isn't the "only" way I want to have a family.
So much is wrapped into this topic for me, both in my own personal life and in this stage of waiting... where the Lord has us right now.
I am sure that this topic will come up more as I continue to wrestle with the lasting effects that adoption has had on my life and my thinking...
Until then...
Prayerfully waiting...
Much Love-
Al
It doesn't matter though, because no one reads it anyway! So, I took a vacation from myself. The writer and the sole reader!
Something on my ever growing list of potential blog post is the topic of adoption. What I have yet to share is the fact that I am adopted. The experience of being adopted, for me at least, has been no different than being a biological child of my parents. My older sister and I are both adopted and my younger sister is biological. My parents, have never made any differentiation between the two and we have known since as early as I can remember. It was always stressed that family is family, a unit created by God, no matter how you got there. For that, I am forever grateful.
For a long time, I thought that one of the only obvious effects of being adopted was the deep seeded fear of not being able to have kids. Really, in learning and evaluating, all women (or most I talk to) fear not being able to get pregnant. However, I think that being adopted, you hear so much about your adoptive mom not being able to get pregnant (for that is most of the reason people adopt anyway), that you begin to associate yourself with that, forgetting that obviously, your birth mom got pregnant unexpectedly.
However, in a recent conversation with my mom, she brought to light that maybe, just maybe, there are other underlying issues that I have yet to deal with, much less even realize are associated with being adopted. Simply having been raised by the best, most loving and caring, constantly supportive in every way, parents doesn't change the obvious...
I was given up.
Does given up = Not wanted and Not Good Enough?
Does given up = Being Left Out?
Much to the credit of my mom asking some pretty hard questions, I am begining to see that somewhere along the way, I believed that the above are equal. No matter how many times I have heard that "it is a greater love that causes a birth mom to give up her child", I have associated it more so with a "not being good enough to keep" decision. A "not fitting into her life, hence being left out" decision. These beliefs have effected every reaction and decision I have made since I started to believe that lie. I have thought about this before, and even prayed about it to an extent. But for the most part, I think I have felt like I have worked through it in my head and not in my heart. These lies still have an obvious root in my heart and something that I definitely need to look into and pray about more.
I am being confronted with adoption more and more through this struggle that Regan and I find ourselves in. It is something that we have always said we want to play a role in how our family looks. Being adopted has given me a heart for it. However, I now find myself wrestling with the fact that as much as I love and preach adoption, in the depths of my honest heart, I have to admit that adoption isn't the "only" way I want to have a family.
So much is wrapped into this topic for me, both in my own personal life and in this stage of waiting... where the Lord has us right now.
I am sure that this topic will come up more as I continue to wrestle with the lasting effects that adoption has had on my life and my thinking...
Until then...
Prayerfully waiting...
Much Love-
Al
Thursday, July 7, 2011
It all boils down to...
The fact that I am
SELFISH
I can't keep from thinking about the one thing I want and don't have...to be pregnant. When I really ponder the reasons I get so upset about being around pregnant people all the time, it is honestly because it is a constant reminder of ME not being pregnant. Instead of focusing on being happy for the other person, I focus on being sad for myself.
I am selfish.
Patiently Praying and still Selfish...
Much Love-
Al
SELFISH
I can't keep from thinking about the one thing I want and don't have...to be pregnant. When I really ponder the reasons I get so upset about being around pregnant people all the time, it is honestly because it is a constant reminder of ME not being pregnant. Instead of focusing on being happy for the other person, I focus on being sad for myself.
I am selfish.
Patiently Praying and still Selfish...
Much Love-
Al
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Surronded on all sides
So, my husband and I went to the U2 concert this past weekend! It was the first time in 30 years that the band had come to Nashville, we couldn't pass up the opportunity to see them, as the chance that we will see them again ever is very slim! After the show, you can log onto the bands website and view a 360 Degree cam of the concert you attended. You can find yourself in the crowd, tag yourself, and tell everyone in the world you were there! For a brief moment, in looking at the online web cam this morning, my 360 vision was clear. Every other moment of most days, I am surrounded on all sides!
I think that part of life is living it with friends, sharing experiences, and walking through the journey together! That is all fine and great, until your journeys start to look different. Then what do you do? There are four friends. This is what the past year looked like. One of us, my person, my best friend (I call her Bird) got married, moved to Birmingham and immediately got pregnant. She was the first of us to get "prego" as I like to call it. Around the same time, another one of our group went through a really difficult miscarriage. During this same time, the 3rd was experiencing the possibility of not being able to have a baby, and pursuing fertility treatments. Then there was me. Trying to get pregnant and it not happening.
Here is where we are now. Bham has a baby. Friend who had miscarriage, adopting a baby in Ethiopia as we speak (her second), friend with fertility problems=pregnant. Me= still trying. To add a little salt to the obvious wound, I work daily in an office right next door to said pregnant friend. I get to stare at her ever growing belly on a daily basis!
In response to working through what it meant for all my friends who are the closest to me to either be pregnant or have children, what did I do? Spend more time with other people, or not spend time with people at all! I found my desire to stay home unlike never before. I became a recluse of sorts. Mostly hanging out with my community group from church because the girls are young and mostly single. It was like I was trying to say this to God..."I can outsmart you." "You keep surrounding me by these pregnant people, but I can hide from it, I can not deal with the emotions of wanting it so badly and not having it."" I CAN CONTROL THIS SITUATION." Then it happened...
One of the only other married girls in my community group announced...SHE WAS PREGNANT!
Where can I go now?
I thought, really Lord? Why are you doing this? Where can I go to escape this?
His answer...No WHERE.
The next week. I got a call from my sister-in-law..." I just wanted to let you know that we are pregnant"
Cue breakdown.
In another post, I will go into the dichotomy of feelings that are running around in my heart and mind on a daily basis, as I can honestly say, I am happy for all these people yet really sad for myself.
For today, I simply want to admit that I am still, on a daily basis, having trouble with being surrounded. Waiting daily for another announcement from someone. Avoiding certain social situations because I know I can't handle seeing one more belly.
Today I am blinded by the 360 cam of my reality yet striving to focus on the fact that the Lord knows my reality and He sees beyond the limited vision that I have. He knows my future. He knows the whole picture, and in that, I will try to find joy.
Consider what God has done:
Who can straighten
what he has made crooked?
14 When times are good, be happy;
but when times are bad, consider this:
God has made the one
as well as the other.
Therefore, no one can discover
anything about their future.
Prayerfully Waiting...
Much Love-
Al
I think that part of life is living it with friends, sharing experiences, and walking through the journey together! That is all fine and great, until your journeys start to look different. Then what do you do? There are four friends. This is what the past year looked like. One of us, my person, my best friend (I call her Bird) got married, moved to Birmingham and immediately got pregnant. She was the first of us to get "prego" as I like to call it. Around the same time, another one of our group went through a really difficult miscarriage. During this same time, the 3rd was experiencing the possibility of not being able to have a baby, and pursuing fertility treatments. Then there was me. Trying to get pregnant and it not happening.
Here is where we are now. Bham has a baby. Friend who had miscarriage, adopting a baby in Ethiopia as we speak (her second), friend with fertility problems=pregnant. Me= still trying. To add a little salt to the obvious wound, I work daily in an office right next door to said pregnant friend. I get to stare at her ever growing belly on a daily basis!
In response to working through what it meant for all my friends who are the closest to me to either be pregnant or have children, what did I do? Spend more time with other people, or not spend time with people at all! I found my desire to stay home unlike never before. I became a recluse of sorts. Mostly hanging out with my community group from church because the girls are young and mostly single. It was like I was trying to say this to God..."I can outsmart you." "You keep surrounding me by these pregnant people, but I can hide from it, I can not deal with the emotions of wanting it so badly and not having it."" I CAN CONTROL THIS SITUATION." Then it happened...
One of the only other married girls in my community group announced...SHE WAS PREGNANT!
Where can I go now?
I thought, really Lord? Why are you doing this? Where can I go to escape this?
His answer...No WHERE.
The next week. I got a call from my sister-in-law..." I just wanted to let you know that we are pregnant"
Cue breakdown.
In another post, I will go into the dichotomy of feelings that are running around in my heart and mind on a daily basis, as I can honestly say, I am happy for all these people yet really sad for myself.
For today, I simply want to admit that I am still, on a daily basis, having trouble with being surrounded. Waiting daily for another announcement from someone. Avoiding certain social situations because I know I can't handle seeing one more belly.
Today I am blinded by the 360 cam of my reality yet striving to focus on the fact that the Lord knows my reality and He sees beyond the limited vision that I have. He knows my future. He knows the whole picture, and in that, I will try to find joy.
Consider what God has done:
Who can straighten
what he has made crooked?
14 When times are good, be happy;
but when times are bad, consider this:
God has made the one
as well as the other.
Therefore, no one can discover
anything about their future.
Prayerfully Waiting...
Much Love-
Al
Friday, July 1, 2011
All the single ladies
The Beyonce song is ringing in my head right now, beckoning all the single ladies to stand up and demand a ring if they feel they are in a relationship with a man who isn't willing to step up! If only it were that simple, right?
I always was that girl that thought this is what my life would look like...
Grow up, go to college, get married right out of college to the guy that I dated all through college, get a job for a bit, have babies, lots of babies, die holding hands with my lover. Live like the fairy tales say...happily ever after right? Okay, not really the part about dying, but still.
Instead, the story kinda took a detour in the whole college part of my plan. Yeah, I did date, but not someone that I could really see myself marrying. College ended, I packed up my bags, said bye to my best friend and moved home. Slowly, the portrait I had painted for my life started to take on a different picture. I had never really thought about life after college being single. Looking back, like I said in the earlier post, I wouldn't trade it. Some of my closest friends have come from this stage in my life. I traveled, had a fun job, learned to be independent, and could be selfish and spend my money however and wherever I wanted. All that to say, through it all, the dream still remained. I wanted to be married.
So, why do I have the desire in my heart to be married, yet I haven't met the man I am supposed to marry yet? I was single until I was 29. I asked that question over and over again for probably about 8 years or longer, honestly, whether is was conscious or not. If the desire is placed there from the Lord, and He is more than able to fill it, what is taking so long?
Here is the doozy. I got married.
Proof Here:
I don't have to ask THAT question anymore. Now, it has been replaced with another question. Why am I not getting pregnant?
Throughout this whole journey, over the last year, the person I talk to a lot about it is my best friend from college.
Here she is: (so pretty right?!?)
From the outside, it doesn't really seem to make sense. She is a very successful single woman working in a very demanding and important job in DC. Her life is full of fun events, late work nights, fun cocktail hours, and busyness. Despite having been my best friend for the last 15 years (whoa), we are in different places in life, why is it that she is my person during this time?
Upon a recent visit to Nashville, she and I were sitting outside one of our favorite coffee shops, the Frothy Monkey. We of course delved into the "so how are you really doing" questions. She had come into town after a pretty rough couple months in her life that included major surgery and a major break-up. The coffee shop was packed and from my perspective it was packed with PREGNANT WOMEN. But you know what? From her perspective, it was packed with newly engaged girls whose rings were blinding her as they were reflecting in her face. The funny thing was, what both of us were seeing right.
That is where the common denomination unfolded...
Regardless of the fact that we are in different places in life, and our situations look completely different, the truth remains the same. We both have an insatiable desire in our heart that we can't control. We have a longing that the Lord has placed there, yet has not fulfilled. Our lives are steered by the question of Why God? When is it my turn?
I am learning that throughout life, one question may be answered, but it is only to be replaced with another question.
Whether you are blinded by rings, or you are blinded by bellies...the feeling is the same. God has placed a desire in your heart that He has yet to fulfill. I am starting to learn, probably way too late, maybe the question shouldn't be Why am I not ________God? (you fill in the blank), but instead, Why God are YOU not enough for me?
Prayerfully waiting...
Much Love-
Allison
I always was that girl that thought this is what my life would look like...
Grow up, go to college, get married right out of college to the guy that I dated all through college, get a job for a bit, have babies, lots of babies, die holding hands with my lover. Live like the fairy tales say...happily ever after right? Okay, not really the part about dying, but still.
Instead, the story kinda took a detour in the whole college part of my plan. Yeah, I did date, but not someone that I could really see myself marrying. College ended, I packed up my bags, said bye to my best friend and moved home. Slowly, the portrait I had painted for my life started to take on a different picture. I had never really thought about life after college being single. Looking back, like I said in the earlier post, I wouldn't trade it. Some of my closest friends have come from this stage in my life. I traveled, had a fun job, learned to be independent, and could be selfish and spend my money however and wherever I wanted. All that to say, through it all, the dream still remained. I wanted to be married.
So, why do I have the desire in my heart to be married, yet I haven't met the man I am supposed to marry yet? I was single until I was 29. I asked that question over and over again for probably about 8 years or longer, honestly, whether is was conscious or not. If the desire is placed there from the Lord, and He is more than able to fill it, what is taking so long?
Here is the doozy. I got married.
Proof Here:
I don't have to ask THAT question anymore. Now, it has been replaced with another question. Why am I not getting pregnant?
Throughout this whole journey, over the last year, the person I talk to a lot about it is my best friend from college.
Here she is: (so pretty right?!?)
From the outside, it doesn't really seem to make sense. She is a very successful single woman working in a very demanding and important job in DC. Her life is full of fun events, late work nights, fun cocktail hours, and busyness. Despite having been my best friend for the last 15 years (whoa), we are in different places in life, why is it that she is my person during this time?
Upon a recent visit to Nashville, she and I were sitting outside one of our favorite coffee shops, the Frothy Monkey. We of course delved into the "so how are you really doing" questions. She had come into town after a pretty rough couple months in her life that included major surgery and a major break-up. The coffee shop was packed and from my perspective it was packed with PREGNANT WOMEN. But you know what? From her perspective, it was packed with newly engaged girls whose rings were blinding her as they were reflecting in her face. The funny thing was, what both of us were seeing right.
That is where the common denomination unfolded...
Regardless of the fact that we are in different places in life, and our situations look completely different, the truth remains the same. We both have an insatiable desire in our heart that we can't control. We have a longing that the Lord has placed there, yet has not fulfilled. Our lives are steered by the question of Why God? When is it my turn?
I am learning that throughout life, one question may be answered, but it is only to be replaced with another question.
Whether you are blinded by rings, or you are blinded by bellies...the feeling is the same. God has placed a desire in your heart that He has yet to fulfill. I am starting to learn, probably way too late, maybe the question shouldn't be Why am I not ________God? (you fill in the blank), but instead, Why God are YOU not enough for me?
Prayerfully waiting...
Much Love-
Allison
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