In light of all that is going on...

There has been a lot going on lately. I don't think that I ever really blogged about our "2nd opinion" doctors appointment, or the fact that Regan was laid off his job last week! Needless to say, both are major happenings in our life. In a season where you are supposed to be filled with hope, we have found that a lot of what is going on in our lives is attempting to rob that from us. However, we are choosing to focus on the One true hope instead. It is definitely a daily battle, but God is faithful.

So, catching up...

We went to see a different doctor, just to get a 2nd opinion into our situation. Basically what he said is that we are in the 10% of unexplained infertility in which the doctors have no idea what is going on. The four options that he provided us were:

1. Keep doing what we are doing. There is no evidence to show that we won't get pregnant, but there is no guarantee that we will.
2. Go to the fertility clinic and proceed with IUI. (which is the only option my other doctor gave)
3. Have surgery to see if I have endometriosis. Unbeknownst to me, it is one of the main reasons that women have problems conceiving, and you don't always have side effects from it.
4. Try a few months of fertility medicine.

The doctor sat with Regan and I for an hour. That is itself was encouraging enough to keep me coming back! Also, his main objective of the appointment was to get a feel for where Regan and I were as a couple in how we wanted to approach getting pregnant. He said his desire is to gauge the sense of urgency a couple has. What we discovered from our time with him was that Regan and I have a different level of urgency, and it is something where we will both have to compromise.

So, after a couple additional test we have had done recently, it has been decided that we will try a couple months of fertility drug treatments. It seems to be a great and more natural next step for Regan and I and a good compromise while still moving forward.

On the fertility side of things, that is where we are!

Obviously, with the job situation, there is a lot going on as well. However, we are confident (most of the time) that this also is in the Lords hands. I am choosing to believe that He has better things in store for Regan! Regan is so talented, smart, and great at sales...I pray for a job that will really utilize his talents. My hope for Regan is that daily he will come to believe and know who the Lord has created him to be. I also honestly pray that the Lord will make finding a job easy for him. There hasn't been a lot of "ease" in our lives the last year. I pray that God has mercy and makes it clear what He has for Regan next.

In this season of Hope, we are very hopeful. Our prayer is that we won't be hopeful in the earthly answers to these lingering questions, but hopeful in the One true answer. That we will rest in the knowledge that though we don't know, God does.

And all the while...

Still patiently praying for Baby Ellis-

Much Love-
Al

Our first Christmas season in our home has been very special. We have loved decorating, sitting in front of the fire, and enjoying the blessing of this house the Lord provide. Just had to post this picture of our first tree on S. Douglas Ave!

Who but you?

A friend went to see The Story concert last night...

She said it was "amazing".

She also said that this song came on and she prayed for me the whole time.

It is such a blessing, to know, that friends are filling in the gap. Pleading to the Lord on my behalf. Holding me up when I can't stand on my own. Very humbling honestly.

We talked last night, in our leadership fellowship group, about allowing people into your brokenness. That we aren't meant to be alone in our pain and struggle. Our pastor said yesterday, in the sermon, that one of the things that robs us from the wonder of this season, is our inability to allow people into our journey, and in turn, see the Lord work through our weakness. He boldly challenged us, that if we are feeling alone, it isn't because there is no one around, it is because WE are choosing to be alone.

I am so grateful for the people that the Lord has chosen to walk this journey with me. The close friends that pray, encourage, weep, challenge, and remind me of the truth.

I don't know when this time will end, but I do know that I am not alone.

And for that, I am in constant wonder of what the Lord is doing.

Who But You
Too little too late, his time has come and gone
Is that what they say when I walk by?
I’ve got a little more grey, my steps are slow and long
And the promise you’ve made fades in the moonlight


I see a star; You see the Milky Way
I see one man counting sand
But you see generations


Who, but You, would ever choose
To dream Your dream in me?
Tell me who, but You, would dare me to
Believe what I can’t see
Who, but You?


You’d think by now, it wouldn’t bother me
The hush from the crowd when I walk by
And you’d think somehow, I’d let my heart believe
It’s time to let go of lullabies


I see a star; You see a galaxy
Courtesy of lyricshall.com
There’s just one hope, just one way
These arms will not stay empty


Who, but You, would ever choose
To dream Your dream in me?
Tell me who, but You, would dare me to
Believe what I can’t see
Who, but You?


So call me crazy, call me a fool
You alone can do the things You promised to
You are Yahweh, I’m just a man
I’m counting tiny grains of sand
Placing every promise in Your hand


Who, but You, would ever choose
To dream Your dream in me?
Tell me who, but You, would dare me to
Believe what I can’t see
Who, but You? 


Great and mighty God, I believe, I believe You
Keeper of the stars, I believe, I believe You


Who, but the Lord, would dream HIS dream in me and challenge me to do the same?

Lord, help me to place every promise in YOUR hand.

Patiently Praying-

Much Love-
Al

Silence doesn't mean anything...

My heart and mind are not in a place to really blog these days! Instead, I am choosing to spend time focusing on the "other" season that is going on in my life instead of the one that has been consuming me for over a year.

Advent.

A lot has changed these last few days, so instead of choosing fear, I am choosing freedom in Christ.

Regan and I have been reading an advent prayer this whole week as part of our morning devotions. It has really meant a lot to me to meditate on these words through out the day...

Prayer for Advent: Week 1
The Gift of Gifts
From The Valley of Vision:Puritan Prayers and Devotions
Contemporary rendering by Russ Ramsey, 2011


O SOURCE OF ALL GOOD,

What shall I render to You for the gift of gifts,
You own dear Son, begotten, not created,
my Redeemer, Proxy, Surety, Substitute,
His self-emptying incomprehensibility,
His infinity of love beyond the heart's grasp.

Here lies the wonder of wonders:
He came below to raise me above,
He was born like me that I might become like Him.

Here is love:
when I cannot rise to Him He draws near on wings of grace, 
to raise me to Himself.

Here is power;
when Deity and humanity were infinitely apart
He united them in indissoluble unity, the uncreated and the created.

Here is wisdom;
when I was undone, with no will to return to Him,
and no intellect to devise recovery,
He came, God-incarnate, to save me to the uttermost,
as man to die my death,
to shed satisfying blood on my behalf,
to work out a perfect righteousness for me.

O God, take me in spirit to the watchful shepherds and enlarge my mind;
let me hear good tidings of great joy,
and in hearing, let me believe, rejoice, praise, and adore Him,
bathe my conscience in an ocean of calm,
lift my eyes to a reconciled Father,
place me there with the ox, ass, camel, and goat,
that I might look with them upon my Redeemer's face,
and in Him account myself delivered from sin;
let me with Simeon clasp the new-born Child to my heart,
let me embrace Him with undying faith,
let me glory in the truth that He is mine and I am His.

In Him You have given me so much that heaven can give no more.

Amen

His promise is...when I cannot rise, He draws me to himself.

In this season, I want to know, feel, and grasp that truth.

I want to gaze in wonder, not in the questions of why I am not pregnant, or why Regan lost his job, but gaze in wonder at the ONE that is in control. The one that came during THIS season, the season of our lives, and this Holiday season, to set us free.

In hearing and believing these things, may I rejoice, praise and adore him. May I embrace Him with dying faith.

Patiently Praying in awe and wonder, to the God that draws me near on wings of grace.

Much Love-
Allison

Praying for Peace...

Patiently Praying...

Much Love-
Al

No words but these...

Psalm 30:8-12..."What gain is there in my destruction, in my going down into the pit? Will the dust praise you? Will it proclaim your faithfulness? Hear, O Lord, and be merciful to me; O Lord , be my help........"

Romans 5:2-5 " And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance character, and character hope. And hope does not disappoint us..."

 Patiently Praying-

 Much Love-
Al

Stories

Everyone has one of their own and everyone has one to share...

One of the things that happens when you start to share your story or your circumstance is that you start to hear a lot of stories in return. In thinking about it, it makes me wonder if I do the same to. Do I over share instead of  just listening?

One of the things that I have really come to appreciate lately is just the acknowledgment that I am heard. I don't need or expect people to understand, I just want to know that I am heard.

Don't get me wrong, on the right day, at the right time, I definitely appreciate stories too. I truly believe that stories are spoken encouragement from the Lord. A reminder that He is in control and has a plan. Though hearing other people's stories can definitely be hard, because almost always they end with a baby, they are told to remind me of God's faithfulness. I believe that the reason God gives us stories is to share them, ultimately leading to His Glory. I pray for the day that God's glory will be revealed in the story He is weaving in my life right now!

Lately, I have heard two stories that almost mirror each other about two different women struggling with infertility and the Lord answering their prayer by literally "dropping" babies into their lives via adoption. Neither of these women were pursuing adoption at the time, but had both considered it as a "later" option. Neither went through what would be considered a "normal" adoption process but were connected to the birth mom via mutual friend. Nothing about either circumstance seems normal or to make sense, it screams God.

Hearing these stories makes me think about my own story. The story that God is working to complete in my life. The bits and pieces that He is weaving together to make something beautiful...

I don't know the purpose that hearing these stories will play in my life. What I do know, is that I have been convicted to pray for the family that God has for me. As always, convicted to let go of what I think our family should look like and let the Lord weave together the pieces. I have been affirmed through these stories that God is bigger than the journey we set out upon. That no matter what decisions we make, what we decide to pursue, the Lords plan will ultimately prevail...even if you aren't expecting it!

My life to this day is testament of the Lords work. Being adopted myself, I see that blatantly. I pray that one day, when the rest of the story is revealed, I too will see the hand of God woven throughout. That the story will bring glory to God and healing to those in similar situations...

And that maybe one day...

My story will end with a baby too.

Patiently Praying-

Much Love-
Al

Family

"You don't choose your family.  They are God's gift to you, as you are to them."  Desmond Tutu

Being around family is like taking a deep breath. It is a safe place, and a time where you can be yourself and know you are still...loved.

The time leading up to the Thanksgiving Holiday was a bit, well, stressful! The decision of whether we would be heading to Florida was hanging over our heads, mixed with doctors appointments, test with weird results, and Regan and I were both sick. It was definitely not a good combination. Tears, irrational conversations, and stress became the norm for a bit, and let me tell you, that is no fun!

As I have said before, the emotions of this "infertility" journey have led to some of the most surprises. I never know what is going to trigger me, or what is going to strike a cord in my heart. This time, it was the potential of missing out on a Holiday with my whole family. Looking back, I realized a really big personal issue I struggle with.

When it comes to my family and time with them, I don't trust Regan. I become defensive and territorial. I fight to prove my point and to get my way. Honestly, it is very ugly. When it comes down to it, I need to trust that Regan is going to make decisions that are the best for both of us. He recognizes that time with my family is very important to me, and he will do his best to make sure that it is a priority. Ultimately, I just need to let him lead in that, and not be passive aggressive or try and convince him to make those decisions. I need to trust, that in the end, He will make the right decision. Honestly, I know that he will, because he loves me sooo deeply. He is a man that chases after God, and depends on Him for direction and discernment. It is just in the moment, I doubt.

The way I relate to Regan, is a lot like how I relate to the Lord in this "infertility" struggle. Sometimes I feel like if I do all the right things, I can manipulate the situation. How crazy it sounds as I am writing it out, but I know that it is honestly what I do! Ugh...so disgusting!

This was definitely a harsh realization on many levels and again, just part of the learning process we have found ourselves in. It is amazing to see how the Lord is using this, to bring up so much in my life.

In the end, we ended up in Florida...with my family.

And yes, it was a time of refreshment. A time of encouragement. A time where I could take a deep breath, and just "be" for a little bit.

Family... I definitely didn't choose mine... But the Lord did, and I am eternally grateful.

And speaking of family, we have a new addition that we are oh soooo excited about!

Townes Michael Hester entered our lives on Saturday, Nov. 26th around 6:30pm. He and my sister-in-law are healthy and headed home today! We are so thankful and blessed.

Just a lot going on...

There are a lot of emotions going on in my head right now...

A lot revolve around Thanksgiving, and the decisions to be made surrounding that. We are supposed to be in Florida with my entire family, but the chance of Hester Baby #2 coming early makes us weary of leaving town. Praying for peace, comfort, and unity between Regan and I in making the decision. Anyone who knows me and holidays, knows that they are really hard for me. I thought that it would get easier, but it just hasn't. Let's just say some tears are shed every holiday that I am not at home!

Regan and I had a second opinion doctor appointment on Friday. I don't think I am ready mentally to really write what we learned or how I am feeling. I am still processing through what he told us. In regards to that situation, I am really just praying for direction, discernment, and wisdom as we have some new options to consider! Again, I am praying for unity between Regan and I, as I am one to jump in head first...I am not a "waiter" I am a "doer". Most of all, I am just happy to feel as though we are doing something. I am praying that the Lord will open and close doors as we continue down this path. I am praying that God will give us a family, and that I will be okay with whatever that process looks like!

That is it for now...

Lots of details hanging in the. I will update more when my head is clear enough to make sense!

Patiently Praying-

Much Love-
Al

My comfort for today...

I will blog more later about what is going on in my head right now...

just trying to figure out how to put words to it.

Believe it or not, finding the RIGHT words, can be somewhat hard for me.

This verse was my comfort this morning.

"Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." Hebrews 4:14-16

Patiently Praying-

Much Love-
Al

From high to low...

Based on my earlier post, things seemed to be going well in this head of mine...

and then...bomb.

honestly, I don't know how many more "I am pregnant" announcements I can take at this moment.

3 in the last 24 hours seems to be more than I can handle.

Patiently Praying-

Much Love-
Al

The condition of my heart...

Our pastor started a new series yesterday on money. Yes, I think he will eventually get to the ever so common church talk on tithing. However, for the next couple weeks, he is laying a foundation and talking about how we view, value, and are controlled for the most part by money. He made an interesting point that of all things that exist in our lives, it is money that offers us the exact same thing that a relationship with Christ offers. That is why it is so hard. They both whisper to us..." I can give you everything you need." The bible tells us that God gives us everything we need for life in Godliness. Money tells us the same thing.

In the middle of the sermon, he asked us to ponder some questions that would help us identify what we have our hearts wrapped around other than God. Because that is where the truth lies, that is what is sitting on the throne of my heart. The questions were:

1. where does your mind wonder when you aren't thinking about anything else? Where does your imagination take you?
2. what do you spend your money on freely, not even thinking about it?
3. what evokes the most emotion in your life?

These answers were easy for me, though a harsh reality at the same time. My heart is wrapped around the issue of not being pregnant and getting pregnant. It has taken control of my heart, my emotions, and I am willing to spend whatever on it to make the situation different. I realized yesterday that it really isn't just a part of my life, it has become my life. I am defined by this situation, and it has taken the place of the Lord in my heart.

I am off balanced. The affections of my heart, are bound in a place of desperation, and not in the hope that God can provide.

It is pretty eye opening to realize how quickly "false gods" can creep into your heart. You don't even realize it and can easily say that it is just a place where you are, or a season of life. But honestly, the situation becomes your god. Getting pregnant, for me, has become the god that I worship, the god I spend money on, and the god that controls my emotions.

whoa.

My prayer is that my perspective will change. That instead of being consumed by the "issue" I will be consumed by the God that can fill the void. The truth is, I could get pregnant, but the void will become something else. He promises that He has given me everything I need. My prayer is that I would believe Him.

" His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness."
2 Peter 1:3

Patiently Praying for baby Ellis and allowing God to rule the thrown of my heart...

Much Love-
Al

November 10th

Four years ago today I married my best friend. I looked into the eyes of the man I had been praying for, and saw God's answer. I am forever grateful.

When you are saying your vows, you can't help but wonder the depth of the meaning of..."through good times and bad." You are on a peak, a mountain when you get married. The world is below you, and together you can conquer anything.

Today, those words and that vow means more to me than it ever has before. It is easy to choose someone when the times are good, and it has been easier to choose Regan when the times have been bad...and really hard.

I have always been the person that has it together, that can handle anything...until I met Regan and got married. It is in his strength and comfort, that I feel I can be weak. He knows me, and loves me still. He loves me with his whole heart, and if you know Regan...you know He has a huge heart!

We are in a hard season right now, and every morning we wake up, He chooses me. He reminds me of the truth of God's word, and makes me want to be a better person. He is an earthly example of God's unconditional love, he is a humble leader, he is a giver, he is a lover, he is a best friend, and he is mine.

I woke up to a very sweet anniversary note this morning and cried as he reminded me of how important to him I am. Then I walked down the stairs to this...

And this, this is why He is my rock...a page full of God's truth...verses to remind me Who is in control. Who loves me most, and Who we can trust.

Regan is my earthly rock, but most importantly, he points me to my One true strength.

Four years ago today I made the best decision of my life.

I love you deeply Regan and am so proud and thankful to be your wife.

And this, this is why, I am patiently praying for a child with this man, because just as he loves me, he will love our child and be the best dad I can ever imagine!


Much Love-
Al

On my knees...

Because I am in one of those places where I don't know what to do besides pray...

" But as for me, my prayer is to you, O Lord. At an acceptable time, O God, in the abundance of your steadfast love answer me in your saving faithfulness." Psalm 69:13

Lord, hear my groans for mercy.

help me feel the abundance of your steadfast love.

Patiently Praying-

Much Love-
Al

In someone else's words...

From a blog I love titled...When you desperately want God to hear your prayers.

Faith is this unwavering trust in the heart of God in the hurt of here. Unwavering trust all the time though I don’t understand all the time.

God is always good and we are always loved.

Loved enough to be shaped into goodness of Christ Himself.

Even if He doesn’t do what we beg, we are still His beloved.


Even if He doesn’t, He still is.


Even if He doesn’t do what we will, His will is still right and His heart is still good and the people of God will not waver.


Real prayer has eyes on Christ, not the crisis.


The rest of the blog found here.

This is always a hard week. The looming question of whether I will start my period or not. My prayer is that my eyes will be on Christ...not the crisis.

Patiently Praying-

Much Love-
Al

It's in the little things

When you think about being in the midst of a hard time, most of what you do, see, and feel seems really negative. I have talked on here before about finding joy in the midst of this place that I find myself. Recently, after meeting with our pastor, I have been praying that God would show me His love. That I would see Him in the little things.

I write a lot about the hardship. I know that God blesses me daily, but a lot of times, those blessings seem to fall into "other" categories in my life...and not into this hardship! I know that the truth is, this struggle in itself is a blessing, however, it doesn't always feel that way.

For as much as I talk about the struggle, I also want to share in the blessing...as little as it may be.

This morning, the Lord showed me His love...in a small, but true way.

As you know, I have been following my "cycle" for over a year. My month is broken down into days. Yes, obsessive I know, but it is the truth. I am heading out of town this coming week for just one day, but knowing the days of my cycle, I knew that the one day would fall right in the midst of the "important" time...if you know what I mean! I have been praying, since I realized this, that the Lord would give me peace. That I would trust, that regardless of what day I was gone, the Lord could still work. That He is in control.

Based on how the last few months have gone, I should have gotten my positive ovulation test on either Saturday or Sunday. However, low and behold, I got it this morning. I know it only seems like 1 day early...but it isn't just that! The ONE day that I am early, means that being gone won't effect this month at all. It might seem really little and irrelevant to the average reader, but to me, it isn't little at all.

God answered my prayers, not by giving me a positive ovulation test, but by showing me His love. I was praying for His peace and a deeper trust...and in that, He totally took care of the situation. He showed me that He is in control, and instead of just giving me the peace, He also took care of the situation.

I am so grateful that He has given me the eyes to see His hand in this. It is such a great reminder, and something to cling to when I am doubting.

Patiently Praying...

Much Love-
Al

Too busy to think...

Busyness can be good, and it can be bad. In this case, it leaves me really no time to think! Which could be really good.

It also means that I am feeling some what disconnected from the Lord.

Not good.

Is the busyness a self inflicted distraction? Or is it unavoidable? I don't really know!

Hopefully rest is coming, because until I get some sleep, some downtime, and some time to think...

Well, I am just edgy!

Which isn't a good thing!

Regardless of how busy I am.

We are still...

Patiently Praying-

Much Love-
Al

Lunch Table Talk!

From my lunch table today...

" How old are you?" a 2nd grader ask.

" Guess" ...I reply...

"35", "24", and other answers are shouted out!

" 33" I respond.

" I wouldn't put you a day past 24" says one of my 2nd graders! "You look good for your age."

ahhhh....

Love the honestly of children.

Patiently Praying-

Much love-
Al

Sharing the pain...

I will go before you and will level the mountains; I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. I will give you hidden treasured, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, who summons you by name." Isaiah 45:2-3

I have become more open about this place I have found myself lately. I have been honest about the struggle, the roller coaster of emotions, and the sadness. I have found, that through sharing the pain, comes the opportunity to not only let people into the journey, but give them the opportunity to encourage and comfort.

I received the verse above from a friend I love deeply this morning. It was attached to a short note that she was thinking about me and hoping that this verse would be what it has been to her, a source of encouragement.
Allowing people into this struggle with me has been hard, somewhat humiliating, raw, vulnerable, and sometimes hurtful. I have said the wrong things, over shared, and cried...a lot. However, the opposite of that, not allowing people into the struggle leads to the same things...self humiliation, hurt, and rawness! The difference is, that when you are going at it alone, there is no source of encouragement there. Yes, you always have the Lord...but you don't have the people to come along side of you and remind you of the truth. There is something to be said for not feeling a lone in this struggle, and it is a lesson that I am learning more and more each day. 

Sharing in the pain, allows you to rejoice with others in the healing...ultimately pointing them to the One true Healer...the one who calls me by name.

Patiently Praying-

Much Love-

Al

A year later...

I remember last October, as I was working to plan our annual trip to Oxford, MS. It is a weekend that I always look forward too. Good times with great friends that we only get to see a couple times a year. It is an annual tradition and one that we wouldn't want to miss. It is also a time when we are surrounded by all of Regan's great friends from college and their families... babies galore!

I remember last year, working to plan our annual trip to Oxford, MS and wanting to be pregnant.

This week, I am planning our annual trip to Oxford, MS and wishing I was pregnant.

Over a year later and I am still in the same place.

It is hard to imagine really.

A year that has seemed so slow in regards to this infertility, yet so fast in regards to life in general.

I can definitely admit that I am not nearly as excited to head down south this year as in past years.

My prayer for this weekend is that I will find joy in friend's families, that I will find peace in this place where I am, and that Regan and I will find comfort in being around people that love us where we are.

Patiently Praying-

Much Love-
Al

He alone is God...

He is before all things and in Him all things hold together. Col. 1:17


Me getting my period was not a surprise to Him.

My prayer as I drove to work this morning...

That I would feel and see the depth of God's love for me in the midst of this like I have never before. That God would reveal Himself and the vastness of His love for me in an obvious way. That I will not doubt, that this too, is a part of His ultimate plan.

I lay this at your feet Heavenly Father. I pray that your love pours down on me. That I will bask in the fullness of your love that only comes from knowing You. I want to know you Lord in a real way. I want to feel your presence, I want to rejoice in the suffering. 


My prayer is that I will fully know the depth of Your love for me, and in turn recognize the depth of Your grace that you pour out onto me. You alone are God, and You alone are worthy of praise.


Patiently Praying-

Much Love-
Al

Tis' the season...Not Christmas!

"When hope is infinitesimal, that God may increase it, and when hope is deadened, that God may enliven it, and when hope is craved that it may be found in Christ alone.


How in the world can the hurt produce hope? Simply: Lean into the Lord and His heart absorbs the hurt and the hope of forever with Him, this is what heals.


Even when we’ve buried pain deep, refused to expose it, and the gnawing about wears us through, us with no hope for the fruit — there’s a Gardner and there’s a miracle and there’s redemption in the barren places."
http://www.aholyexperience.com/2011/10/why-you-need-to-keep-on-hoping/

We were talking in our small group leaders meeting last night about seasons and remaining in the Lord. Remaining in the Lord through ALL of those seasons.

¹ "Blessed is the one
   who does not walk in step with the wicked
or stand in the way that sinners take
   or sit in the company of mockers,
² but whose delight is in the law of the LORD,
   and who meditates on his law day and night.
³ That person is like a tree planted by streams of water,
   which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither—
   whatever they do prospers.  "
Psalm 1: 1-3


I was really encouraged when I read the passage I posted above from A Holy Experience blog...such a great reminder that God is still working in the midst of what seems like a very stagnate season. The line that says, there is "redemption in the barren places" resonates so deep, for so many reasons.


As I have been journaling through out this process, I heard from the Lord and He told me that He had a baby for me. He promised that He is in this...

However, something has gotten in the way in the midst of the waiting...

"what lies below a surface of a life, tunneling, gnawing, eating us up.
About exposing what needs to be exposed in our lives … because what’s buried deep can kill the fruit.. About dying a slow death."

I have a promise from the Lord.


Yet in the midst of waiting, in the midst of me saying I want it now, He has revealed to me the lies that are buried deep. The lies that are killing the fruit.

My joy is bound up, but it has been bound up in something other than the Lord. I have convinced myself that the joy is bound up in having a baby, and since there is no baby, there is no joy.

"Even when we’ve buried pain deep, refused to expose it, and the gnawing about wears us through, us with no hope for the fruit — there’s a Gardner and there’s a miracle and there’s redemption in the barren places."

God is working in the barren places...oh so literally and figuratively.

I crave hope...and my prayer is...

 when hope is craved that it may be found in Christ alone.


I am thankful that God is working in this season, and I am working on remaining in His infinite love.


He calls me His beloved, and I am written on His hands.

Patiently Praying-

Much Love-
Al

There will come a day...

Just a great reminder from Naptime Diaries. The troubles of this world are fleeting and oh so temporary in the grand scheme of things! We will look back and this life will be but a blip. Hard to imagine, but so true. 

Jesus Calling this morning was about rejoicing (we are not on the correct date if you are reading it :)) in the midst of all circumstances and not convincing yourself that your happiness lies in circumstances of the future... ie, new job, new house, etc. Such truth in that. My prayer lately has been that I will see God's beauty. That He will give me His eyes. That I will feel His presence in everything. 

There will come a time when there is no more crying and no more pain. However, I am choosing now to believe that with pain comes growth. Pain reminds you that you are alive and that God is working. Through pain comes the ability to rejoice upon healing. Without pain, we would need no Savior. 

"We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying, a scar means I survived. - Chris Cleave The Little Bee

The scars of life, circumstances, and past hurts...are gentle reminders that healing has occurred and that I am alive! There will come a time when there will be no more pain and no more scars, we will be face to face with the Healer...

Until then, I will rejoice in the fact that He knows my pain and tears. That He has me in this place for this moment...and I will seek His joy. His promises are true...and until there is a day with no more tears, I will run toward the only One who can truly wipe them away.

Revelation 21

Acu-to the-puncture

All the worrying was for not...As my husband would say. No big pregnancy bomb was dropped yesterday. Just a sweet God ordained time of sharing some really difficult places we are both in. Thank you Lord for opening my eyes to the little things...

On another note, just a little update on how acupuncture is going...

I have officially completed 1 full month of going on a weekly basis, therefore, having gone through one complete "cycle." In case you didn't know, when you are trying to have a baby, your life starts to be defined by your cycle. Pre-ovulation, Ovulation, Potential implantation, Period. Those are the phases. Well, at least mine, that is!

The main difference to be noted so far would be the lack of all symptoms surrounding my period.

Prior to starting acupuncture, I spotted, had cramps, headaches, PMS, and bloating.

This past month, I didn't even know when my period was going to start because I didn't get any of the aforementioned symptoms. I kept waiting and waiting for the spotting to come, it never did, nor did the bad attitude, the cramps, or the bloating.

On one hand, the lack of symptoms was really nice, on the other, it is also kinda nice to be prepared to start your period, especially when you are trying to have a baby! Any change in the norm can lead you down a rabbit trail of "what ifs".

As the second cycle approaches, I have also noticed that the last 2 months, I have gotten the positive on the ovulation test the exact same day. So really, it just seems like things are balancing out.

It should also be mentioned that she does have me taking a more complete prenatal vitamin as well as some herbs. So, in all honesty, those could also play into the change.

However, a month in, that is the noticeable difference.

The best thing to come out of acupuncture yet would honestly be the quiet and prayerful hour that is now built into my schedule on a weekly basis. My hour in the chair has definitely become dedicated to sitting at the feet of Jesus, and bringing him the cries of my heart. Not just for myself, but for those I am surrounded by.

Patiently Praying-

Much Love-
Al

The land of crazy...

"Did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed this morning?" I was asked that by Regan as he gently told me that I was being a "little" hard to deal with.

" No, I replied...I am just tired...and I am thinking about work today...and how busy it will be."

A few minutes later...

"and I am mentally preparing myself for hanging out with _________ (a good friend of mine), because I have a feeling that she is going to drop the "I am pregnant" bomb on me!"

And that, my friends, is the honest truth.

This morning, I was so consumed with the fact that my friend MIGHT be telling me she is pregnant today, that I was a little,okay, maybe a lot  hard to deal with this morning.

These are my context clues...

1. I was told months ago from a mutual friend of ours that "said" friend would probably be trying soon...

2. and, when we started to plan what we would do, she offered to come to my house.

3. We haven't picked a place yet, normally we grab a drink, but I am assuming...since I think she is prego, that grabbing a drink isn't an option...hence why we haven't picked a place yet.

That is it.

Call me crazy, but I have a feeling.

Or just call me crazy, because that is pretty much how I feel.

I have been praying about these feelings all morning, and they don't seem to subside.

I am anxious, for potentially NO reason.

I project and prepare myself for a situation that may not even happen.

Honestly, though I have been here before, I don't know what to do...

So, I am going to try again.

I am choosing with the help of the Lord, because I am not strong enough to do it on my own, to lay it down.

To believe that even if the above scenario happens, I will be okay.

Lord, this is not about ME, this is about YOU. Help me to relinquish control, to trust in you, and to believe that Your power is made perfect in my weakness. I pray that you carry me, for I can't seem to find my footing. You alone are God, and You alone are faithful.

I read this blog post today by Angie Smith, the author of the book I am reading What Women Fear. Two things stuck out to me most...1 kinda silly, and 1 not so much...

I need the Lord to be MY big, puffy, red life jacket...because I can't do this on my own and lastly, I need to have the eyes of Jesus and see the blessings in the little things.

Patiently Praying-

Much Love-
Al

Navigating my way...

One of my closest friends, who has very recently had a baby, is suffering from postpartum depression. I don't know if it would be considered a minor or a major case, and ultimately, that is irrelevant anyway. What is relevant is that she feels terrible, sad, anxious, and inadequate. I don't know what this is like, and pray that I never have to experience it...because it pretty much seems like hell.

The other side of this touchy subject is that, it seems, that I tend to be the sounding board and listening ear for this very painful place she has found herself. That is the scenario that I find myself having to navigate through.

I don't know how to respond when she says...

"Thinking about him being with me forever will send me into a panic attack"

because all I feel is that I want a "forever child"

I don't know how to respond when she says...

" Is it bad that I would rather be a work with you then at home with my baby"

because I long for the day, when God willing, I don't have to work and can stay home, raise and nurture a baby.

I don't know how to respond when she says...

"People tell me, isn't this a great time, you have a sweet baby...and she responds, no actually, it sucks"

because I desperately long to be in her shoes, to have a baby.

I think the hard part is, the realization, that both places are just really selfish. When she is speaking, all I hear in my head are my desires and my pain. And, honestly, I think when she is speaking, all she is considering is her pain and her anxiety. Two sad and wounded people, functioning out of those places...

I haven't quite figured out what I will do, or how I will handle it...though in talking to my best friend, the Bird, yesterday...she did make a brutally honest observation...she gently let me know that she hears "bitterness creeping in" and she warned me against allowing that to happen.

She was right. She hit the nail on the head. It was hard, but I needed to hear that from her...(though it took getting off the phone and taking a step back to get to that "thankful place)

Somewhere in the process of navigating through this place, bitterness, anger, and selfishness has crept in.

I do think there is a balance somewhere. A sensitivity on both sides to "where we each are in this place." A commitment to stepping into each others lives, calls for a stepping outside of ourselves.

I am so proud of this friend for her openness and vulnerability. My heart breaks for the unexpected place she has found herself, and I pray with her for the day it will change.She knows these feelings are not truly indicative of how she feels, that so many elements play into these circumstances. And she knows that these feelings are temporary.

And maybe, just maybe, that is my answer...to pray, to beg for the ability to extend grace and mercy from the One person that can give me that. That God would allow me to step outside of myself, and love her where she is, regardless of how she loves me back.

For He extends that grace and mercy on me every day.

Patiently Praying-

Much Love-
Al

Times are changing

The last couple weeks have been incredibly hectic at work which has in turn, left me very little time to do other things that need to get done...like planning Regan's birthday! I have felt really guilty about not having some grand plan, and really not having the mental capacity to be creative.

Regan and I have been going back and forth all week on what to do, do we cook out?, do just the 2 of us go out?, little group, big group? Every conversation ended the same way, with no idea what to do and no closer to making a decision.

The more I was thinking about it today, the more I realized what the issue was...

Time are changing.

A few months ago, we had a great dinner with a small group of friends. There was dinner and wine, we were laughing, crying, and just enjoying our time.

I think in both Regan's and my heads, that was an evening that we wanted to re-create for his birthday. A small group of close friends, relaxing and just enjoying being together. However, in as little as a few months, everything has drastically changed.

Paying babysitters, babies too young to keep out, and other obligations in life have changed what our lives look like these days even though we don't have a baby yet.

Gone are the days when we can casually throw together a dinner and everyone not worry about getting home to pay the sitter, if they can even come at all.

We don't have a baby yet, but the changes that have occurred in our friends lives, which in turn effects are lives, make us feel like we do have a baby!

It is a hard balance. Part of me wants to automatically seek out other people in our situation, kidless. However, I can't imagine not spending these special occasions, like birthdays, with the people that are closest to us.

So, what do we do?

Have an afternoon party? Who said daytime parties are only for kids?!?

Patiently Praying-

Much Love-
Al

The Heart of the matter

"I am the thorn in your crown
But You love me anyway
I am the sweat from Your brow
But You love me anyway
I am the nail in Your wrist
But You love me anyway
I am Judas' kiss
But You love me anyway
See now I am the man who yelled out from the crowd
For Your blood to be spilled on this earth shaking ground
Yes then I turned away with a smile on my face
With this sin in my heart, tried to bury Your grace
And then alone in the night I still call out for You
So ashamed of my life, my life, my life

But You love me anyway
Oh God, how You love me
Yes You love me anyway
It's like nothing in life
That I've ever known
Yes You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me"

- Side Walk Prophets

Regan and I had a meeting with our Pastor yesterday. Just a time to share, check in, and really get to the heart of what is going on in our lives. It was hard, challenging, raw, vulnerable, and so refreshing. We left emotionally drained, yet so full. The relationship we have with our pastor is special and I am so thankful.

There is a lot of processing and thinking yet to come. However, some harsh truth stemmed from the questions he kept digging into yesterday.

I described my most overall emotion in regards to not being pregnant as "frustration."

He asked to examine that closer. "What am I frustrated at?"

The harsh truth, when we got to the heart of the matter?

I am frustrated at God because it seems as though He isn't hearing me, if He did, He would answer...

He goes deeper..."What does that mean?"

If He isn't hearing me, then His promises in scripture must not be true?

Deeper still..."and if His scripture isn't true?"

Than He is a Liar.

"And if He is a Liar, what does that mean?"

That He doesn't love me, so I don't trust in Him to be in control.

Yes.

That is the raw, honest, and ugly truth.

I can stay at the surface of it all and stay frustrated, or I can go deep and be honest with what that frustration means.

It was a really hard realization, yet, one that really needed to be brought to light.

There will be a lot of time spent repenting and working to allow the Lord to show me His beauty and remind me that He does love me.

The song above came on the radio on my drive to work, and the message is something that truly spoke to my heart...

"See now I am the man who yelled out from the crowd
For Your blood to be spilled on this earth shaking ground
Yes then I turned away with a smile on my face
With this sin in my heart, tried to bury Your grace"

But YOU loved me anyway... 

In the midst of my doubt, my calling him a liar, and my need to control...

He loves me anyway.

Lord, I don't deserve your grace, but I am eternally thankful for your pursuit of my heart.

Humbly and Patiently Praying-

Much Love-

Al

To pray like Hannah

My mom sent me a letter yesterday that contained a talk that she had given to some women about 9 years ago. The talk was about trusting God to plan your family and she listed multiple biblical examples of women in the Bible that had suffered from "closed wombs" until the Lord stepped in. My mom and dad themselves struggled with infertility for 5 years before they decided to adopt. After my sister and I were adopted, the Lord opened her womb and she became pregnant with my little sister. It is a story that you hear a lot when you are struggling with infertility.

Hannah has come up a lot lately, including the talk my mom gave. I have never really studied her story in the bible, or paid much attention to her at all for that matter...however, in reading her story, there is great comfort to be found.

It is hard to imagine that women have been struggling with this since the begining of time. When I think about the "olden days" or times past, I tend to think that all women did was have children, like 9 of them! You don't think about women struggling with infertility. Infertility tends to seem more like a modern day issue. However, it isn't...Hannah, Leah, and many others are proof of that.

A couple lesson's stick out to me in 1 Samuel chapter 1...

vs. 8 " Her husband Elkanah would say to her, “Hannah, why are you weeping? Why don’t you eat? Why are you downhearted? Don’t I mean more to you than ten sons?” 

I can't tell you how many times Regan has said something like, "I love our family, aren't we enough right now?" He definitely wants children, and we are on the same page with that, however he is such an example to me of trusting God's timing. When he asks or mentions things like the above, I find myself really asking if I do feel that way? Is this enough? We have been so blessed and yet I always want more. Is this family I have now enough?

vs. 10 " In her deep anguish Hannah prayed to the LORD, weeping bitterly. ¹¹ And she made a vow, saying, “LORD Almighty, if you will only look on your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the LORD for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head.” 

This verse pretty much sums up a lot of how my prayers look...deep anguish and bitter weeping and pleading with the Lord. A lot of times I feel tempted to bargain with the Lord, "if you would only give me a child, I will ___________." In my desperation, I allow myself to think that the Lord will respond to my promising to act a certain way. I know that this isn't true. The Lord isn't dangling a child over my head like a carrot waiting for me to offer the right wager. But like Hannah above, I cry out in anguish for the Lord to open my womb.


vs. 19 " Early the next morning they arose and worshiped before the LORD and then went back to their home at Ramah. Elkanah made love to his wife Hannah, and the LORD remembered her. ²⁰ So in the course of time Hannah became pregnant and gave birth to a son. She named him Samuel,^[b] saying, “Because I asked the LORD for him.” 

 And finally, the last point that really rings true to my heart is that the Lord remembered Hannah...He did not forget her desperate pleas and in His timing, He opened her womb.

My prayer is that the Lord will remember me and hear my cries, and that I will, like Hannah pray from my heart.

vs. 13 "Hannah was praying in her heart, and her lips were moving but her voice was not heard."

 Patiently Praying-


Much Love-
Al

Talitha koum!

"After He put them all out, He took her by the hand and said to her, “Talitha koum!” (which means “Little girl, I say to you, get up!”). There are circumstances and situations in the natural that seem dead and hopeless. We may find ourselves saying, “How can I arise? Everything is dead in me. There’s nothing left.” That’s where God’s hand come in. He doesn’t just leave it to you."

This was in a devotion I read this morning that was sent to me over the weekend.  I have been wrestling a lot lately with the concept of "my portrait" vs. the "Lord's portrait". I thought that I had learned this lesson long ago, but I guess I was wrong.

I am constantly confronted with questions and thoughts in my mind, that if I allow them, will send my into a downward spiral.

For a long time, I have had a vision of what my life looked like. I long to be a mom to not one, but many children. I long stay at home, to raise and nurture them, to volunteer in their schools, to walk beside them as they grow. Those are the desires of my heart.

However, if I dwell too much on the details, I begin to question rather this is even a possibility anymore. I begin to believe the lies...I am too old for this to happen, what if I never get pregnant, or it takes years to figure out how our family will look?

Like the quote above, at most times, it really seems like there is nothing left in me, the hope is dead.

But the quote continues, that that is what I am working to focus on. The Lord's hand comes in. He doesn't leave me. He calls me to get up. To not give into the fear that holds me captive. I have literally felt lately and found myself praying that the Lord will carry me through this time. I am at a place where I don't even feel like I can walk through it anymore. 

I know that the Lord calls me to lay my portrait down and allow him to be the painter. To release my plans into His. To allow him to complete the picture that He started so long ago...

I dozed off yesterday afternoon with my friends 3 week old sleeping on my chest and I couldn't help but feel that this is what I was created for. My heart ached and longed for a child of my own.

Lord, please carry me. I am grasping for your hand.

Patiently Praying-

Much love-

Al

Sisters...

If you don't have them, you don't understand. To be known fully and loved despite, isn't something that comes from everyone...and thankfully it does come from my sister.

I went to bed last night with the email from my older sister waiting in my inbox. I decided that I would wait until today to read it. It is almost like she was in my heart. Like she had woken up with me today...in this new place I found myself.

Like I said yesterday, I got my period, the cycle continues. I mentioned to Regan last night, I don't know how much longer I can ride this roller coaster. I know the Lord doesn't give us more than we can handle, but I honestly feel like I am almost at my limit.

However, as with every roller coaster, or every cycle, there is a place of hope a peak. I think that day comes every month after the sadness of getting my period fades. It is a new month, there is a new chance, we are starting over.

That is why the email that my sister sent to me spoke to my soul.

Click here to read!

I have hope buried deep in the depths of my heart. I know it is there, though sometimes I doubt.

God is working in the waiting, and for that reason, I remain hopeful.

Patiently Praying-

Much Love-
Al

Another Month...

"Though the fig tree does not bud
   and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
   and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
   and no cattle in the stalls,
¹⁸ yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
   I will be joyful in God my Savior.

 ¹⁹ The Sovereign LORD is my strength;
   he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
   he enables me to tread on the heights" 

Habakkuk 3:17-19

And another month goes by...

Lord, hear my cry.

Patiently Praying-

Much Love-

Al

Sweet Relief...or something like that

Being busy at work has given my mind the ability to be some what free from the thoughts that are plaguing it lately. Hence, the silence on the blog.

We were asked a question in our small group the other night about where we allow our imagination to go when it is not being bombarded by the busyness of our daily life. I took a long time to think and reflect on what the answer to that question may be....

I am sad to report, that I never let my mind really wonder, because I am scared of where it will go if I do.

I am a slave to busyness as a distraction.

I am an over comitter.

I live in denial.

And I am tired.

I fully recognize why I do what I do...now I just need to change it.

When I start to be honest, once again, with how I am feeling. I am sure this blog will overflow with post. I walk a thin line of allowing myself to be hopeful internally and expressing that out loud. It is hard to remain hopeful for things when month after month I am let down. I know that my hope is in the Lord and that He will never let me down...however....the above still remains true.

Until then, it has been kinda nice to allow myself some "away time" however false that may be.

Patiently Praying-

Much Love-
Al

Another song post

We sang the song "When you are not enough" by Thad Cockrell and Matt Stevens in church this past Sunday. If you haven't heard this song, read the lyrics and listen below.

My prayer is that the Lord will give me wisdom and faith. That the Lord will be enough.

When You are Not Enough
(click here to listen)

When you are not enough
I see the pleasures of this world

When you are not enough
My hope is lost

When you are not enough
Joy cannot be found

When you are not enough

Please Lord
Break my heart

When you are not enough
I carry all my guilt and shame

When you are not enough
I cannot pay

When you are not enough
I’d like to think I’ve learned by now

When you are not enough

Please Lord
Break my heart
Please Lord
Change my heart

When you are not enough
We trade your beauty for a lie

When you are not enough
Nothing satisfies

When you are not enough
Your joy is always out of reach

When you are not enough

Please Lord
Break my heart
Please Lord
Change my heart

Grant us Mercy Grant us Grace
Grant us Wisdom Grant us Faith

Grant us Mercy Grant us Grace
Grant us Wisdom Grant us Faith

Grant us Mercy Grant us Grace
Grant us Wisdom Grant us Faith

Grant us Mercy Grant us Grace
Grant us Wisdom Grant us Faith

Grant us Mercy Grant us Grace
Grant us Wisdom Grant us Faith

Please Lord Break my Heart
Please Lord Change my Heart

Words and Music by Thad Cockrell and Matt Stevens

  

Patiently and specifically praying for Baby Ellis...

Much love-

Al

Making Room

So, as earlier discussed, my sister-in-law(SIL) is pregnant with her 2nd baby. A few months back, they started talking about needing to make room in their house for their oldest to have his big boy room, so the new one could take over the nursery. The original plan was to store all their un-needed furniture in Chattanooga, where grandaddy M lives. Well, something happened with that plan, and Regan and I decided that, since we were blessed with the space, they could store all their furniture in our basement. When the decision was made, it was simple, we have the room, let's help them out.

Then moving day came.

I was heading home from my acupuncture appointment and talking to Regan who was on his way to help brother-in-law (BIL) pack up the cars and bring their stuff to our house. That is when the change occurred.

It was very subtle, I honestly didn't even see the change happen. I did however, see the results. Mean, irritable, sad.

Then it hit me. I started to think about why I was feeling this way while I fervently worked on dinner. We were making room for someone else's baby. I want to be making preparations for my own baby, instead, we are making room for SIL's baby #2.

It is those times that you realize the depth of what is going on. It isn't just the multiple baby announcements at work, the bellies everywhere, or the newborns. It is in the simple things, like moving a bed into our basement. The bed represents so much more, it represents what I so deeply long for, and the realization that there is no need to make room for that in our life right now. It represents the guest room that is waiting upstairs and is empty.

After admitting that these feelings were bothering me, and apologizing for how I reacted. I felt much better.

The learning process of this life in waiting continues.

Patiently Praying for Baby Ellis-

Much Love-
Al

God is faithful

I knew a lot of "baby" time awaited me this weekend. My close friend was back from Africa with her new baby, and my other friend was having a hard time adjusting to motherhood. It was unavoidable.

God's faithfulness, however, is not avoidable.  And for that, I am very grateful. He totally showed up when I needed him most. He gave me the strength to listen to "how hard it is to be a mom", to comments about "missing work and missing life". He gave me the strength to hold and love on these babies. To listen to the stories. To rejoice in the miracle of new life.

He has showed up every.single.time. He has given me the strength to tell all my co-workers daily updates on the new baby, to listen to them tell me their birth stories, because for some reason, it helps them relate to me updating them on my friend.

He is faithful, even when I don't have the strength to maintain the faith.

I was recently given a book called "What Women Fear" by Angie Smith.



Knowing the story about the author, made me extra excited to dig in to this book, and the book does not disappoint.  I am only on the 3rd chapter, but already, am so excited to finish it. What I love about this book is that it takes common, every day fears that women struggle with like being abandoned, ridiculed, left out, not good enough, etc., and relates those to stories in the bible where people like Hagar and Leah struggled with the SAME THING! It is truly amazing to realize that no matter what the time, the issues are the same. The book is such a great reminder of God's faithfulness and His answers to all the feelings that we have...and most of those feelings have an underlying theme of fear.

Run, don't walk, to get this book: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-women-fear-angie-smith/1101871710. You won't regret it.

God is faithful. I am taking my imperfect attempts at having faith and laying them at the feet of Jesus and asking Him to do the rest. To meet me where I am. To fill my cup.

Patiently and Specifically Praying for a baby we will name Ellis-

Much Love-
Al