So...I know I mentioned in the last post that I would be going to get blood work probably today. But this period has been really weird, and it seems as though, it has only been spotting. Which would actually make more sense since this is only day 27.
I prayed that the Lord would make it clear to me today whether I started or not, so that I would not be consumed and he did. It has been minimal spotting at best. So I am believing that I have yet to start and will go from here.
Please pray that I will start my period this weekend! Never thought I would be praying that prayer. Ha...
I think with all these time sensitive test, starting meds, etc...this weird spotting has thrown me for a loop.
Really, I just want to start so that I know for sure what has been happening the last few days has indeed been spotting and not a weird, super early, period.
I know that in the end, the worst case scenario is that this month is just thrown off and we can move forward next month. Goodness, have I learned that this isn't in my timing anyway! But, really, after such a great and positive appointment, we were excited about these new developments.
Please pray with us!
Much Love-
Al
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Update Time...
Since I don't really tell people about this blog, there aren't many readers...
But for the few, I will give an update on the fertility appointment yesterday, though I think I have told most of you "readers" on the phone the update!
First and foremost, I want to thank you for the prayers. They were definitely felt as Regan and I entered the previously unknown world of fertility treatment.
Right off the bat, I will just say whoa. I knew when they put a blue armband on both Regan and I with an identification number on it that this was serious business. In lieu of our date night tonight to see the Hunger Games, I definitely looked at my identification bracelet and thought...what district have I been assigned to?
Overall, we had a really positive and great experience. We liked our nurse that walked through the whole 3 hours with us and we really liked our doctor. There is something about visiting and talking to someone who specializes in this, someone that sees these things day in and day out, that is really nice.
Honestly, there is really no "new" news that came from the visit, but we do have a plan in place. The doctor reviewed all my prior test results and conducted an ultrasound. All the results from that were completely normal. The plan is this...
Tomorrow, I will go in and have some "fasting" blood work completed. That will test for more things that were tested previously, including sperm antibodies (or being allergic). Regan and I have always wondered, considering that I am allergic to everything, if I had an allergy... as I have heard some women do. That lingering question will be answered through this blood work. If everything goes okay from that, on day 12 of my cycle I will go in and have another ultrasound done. From that ultrasound, they will be able to tell which ovary is going to produce the egg this month. If they can tell that, they will give me an injection that will guarantee the egg will drop within the next 24-36 hours at which time Regan and I will go in and have IUI (In Utero Implantation) done. Crazy right. The doctor literally said, " we will do the procedure, you will lay here for 15 minutes, and then continue your day as normal." Crazy right?!?
So, from the doctor, we confirmed that as of right now, we are still in the 10% unknown. He told us that what we have been doing the last 2 years hasn't worked, so we decide if we want to try something else.
Regan and I both left feeling really good. I think Regan was skeptical about the clinic trying to push us in a direction that we weren't willing to go, to make money. We didn't have that experience at all. We really feel like our doctor has our best interest at heart and has advised us in the direction that is best suited for us.
So, that is it! I will definitely continue to update on what I hear and learn, the test results, and of course, call in the prayer warriors on the day of the procedure! Though we would love the continued prayer through out this journey.
My prayer right now is that my Hope will stay grounded in the One that really matters!
Patiently praying-
Much Love-
Al
But for the few, I will give an update on the fertility appointment yesterday, though I think I have told most of you "readers" on the phone the update!
First and foremost, I want to thank you for the prayers. They were definitely felt as Regan and I entered the previously unknown world of fertility treatment.
Right off the bat, I will just say whoa. I knew when they put a blue armband on both Regan and I with an identification number on it that this was serious business. In lieu of our date night tonight to see the Hunger Games, I definitely looked at my identification bracelet and thought...what district have I been assigned to?
Overall, we had a really positive and great experience. We liked our nurse that walked through the whole 3 hours with us and we really liked our doctor. There is something about visiting and talking to someone who specializes in this, someone that sees these things day in and day out, that is really nice.
Honestly, there is really no "new" news that came from the visit, but we do have a plan in place. The doctor reviewed all my prior test results and conducted an ultrasound. All the results from that were completely normal. The plan is this...
Tomorrow, I will go in and have some "fasting" blood work completed. That will test for more things that were tested previously, including sperm antibodies (or being allergic). Regan and I have always wondered, considering that I am allergic to everything, if I had an allergy... as I have heard some women do. That lingering question will be answered through this blood work. If everything goes okay from that, on day 12 of my cycle I will go in and have another ultrasound done. From that ultrasound, they will be able to tell which ovary is going to produce the egg this month. If they can tell that, they will give me an injection that will guarantee the egg will drop within the next 24-36 hours at which time Regan and I will go in and have IUI (In Utero Implantation) done. Crazy right. The doctor literally said, " we will do the procedure, you will lay here for 15 minutes, and then continue your day as normal." Crazy right?!?
So, from the doctor, we confirmed that as of right now, we are still in the 10% unknown. He told us that what we have been doing the last 2 years hasn't worked, so we decide if we want to try something else.
Regan and I both left feeling really good. I think Regan was skeptical about the clinic trying to push us in a direction that we weren't willing to go, to make money. We didn't have that experience at all. We really feel like our doctor has our best interest at heart and has advised us in the direction that is best suited for us.
So, that is it! I will definitely continue to update on what I hear and learn, the test results, and of course, call in the prayer warriors on the day of the procedure! Though we would love the continued prayer through out this journey.
My prayer right now is that my Hope will stay grounded in the One that really matters!
Patiently praying-
Much Love-
Al
Monday, March 26, 2012
Spring Break
Taking the month off has been easier than I expected...
Helping was a week with my family at the beach. Definitely a nice distraction.
Regan and I have our fertility appointment tomorrow morning at 10:00am.
I would be lying if I said that I wasn't praying for a miracle pregnancy this month and the ability to avoid the fertility center all together. As I started spotting, I knew that wasn't my reality.
Please pray for us. It is easy to get anxious about what the test results will reveal, as they do more extensive testing than we have had in the past.
The Lord has reminded me the last couple days that He promised that He had a baby for me.
Clinging to that promise.
Patiently Praying-
Much Love-
Al
Helping was a week with my family at the beach. Definitely a nice distraction.
Regan and I have our fertility appointment tomorrow morning at 10:00am.
I would be lying if I said that I wasn't praying for a miracle pregnancy this month and the ability to avoid the fertility center all together. As I started spotting, I knew that wasn't my reality.
Please pray for us. It is easy to get anxious about what the test results will reveal, as they do more extensive testing than we have had in the past.
The Lord has reminded me the last couple days that He promised that He had a baby for me.
Clinging to that promise.
Patiently Praying-
Much Love-
Al
Thursday, March 15, 2012
You are not alone...
This, well, it is just so encouraging to me, and so how I feel. It is from a blog I read on a regular basis.
I snuck in when you thought it was over. When you thought it was impossible. And while your back was turned and the world was upside-down, I came near to you. I have seen you wrestle with your pain, shout in anger, and kick the sides of this life until the bruises reminded you that you could even feel at all.
And somewhere, sometime…many in fact, I bowed beside you and sang. And when you thought you couldn’t get to me, I reminded you that I always, always come to you."
You can find the whole post here.
Patiently Praying.
Much Love-
Al
"I call Him, because I know His name.
And He answers, because He has always knows mine.
I am lost in the wreckage, trying to get my bearings, and while I can’t even lift my head, He whispers throughout the madness…I am here, love. Rest.I snuck in when you thought it was over. When you thought it was impossible. And while your back was turned and the world was upside-down, I came near to you. I have seen you wrestle with your pain, shout in anger, and kick the sides of this life until the bruises reminded you that you could even feel at all.
And somewhere, sometime…many in fact, I bowed beside you and sang. And when you thought you couldn’t get to me, I reminded you that I always, always come to you."
You can find the whole post here.
Patiently Praying.
Much Love-
Al
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Where we are...
So, Regan and I had the much anticipated conversation about "what's next". It was really good and really hard all at the same time. It was really important for us to make sure that are are on the same page as we move forward. A lot of factors play into what we decide to do next and as always, there are a lot of unanswered questions in any direction that we decide to take. Regan made some really good points and it was really important for me to hear him out! Honestly, I think I would have been at the fertility clinic a long time ago, but as he always tells me, we are in this together!
So, basically, the highlights of the conversation were this:
1. We never expected to find ourselves in this place. Does anyone really? This reality has already hit me and I have been working to walk through that and think about what it means. Honestly, I have just worked on accepting it day by day. It has been really hard for Regan to accept that. No one ever wants to be faced with these decisions, and honestly, you don't ever expect to be here.
2. It is hard to move forward when the doctors have told you that there is nothing wrong. Being here is a really weird place. My sense of urgency and what I consider a long time, is completely different than Regan's. The test results, as shared earlier, put us in the 10% of unexplained infertility. If we decide to go to the fertility clinic, does that mean we aren't trusting the Lord? We fully believe that He can open my womb, it is biblical. How does that play out in the decisions on what we do next.
3. The step into fertility treatment potentially could be an endless financial pit. This is a big one. If we decided to pursue IUI, what if it doesn't work the first time? How many times do you try before you say enough? If it doesn't work, that is a lot of money spent that could have been used to start pursuing adoption.
These 3 points are really just a summary of what we discussed. I am so thankful for Regan and his honesty and support in this. He said at one point in the conversation that "as my husband, it is his responsibility to lead us in this. He would be doing me a disservice if he were to just jump into this fertility treatment without really praying and looking into it. He said it might not be the easiest thing to do, because he hates to see me in so much pain, but it is the right thing to do." Honestly, he was so right. I am so thankful he is leading us in this.
In the end, we talked about this month of "rest" and taking time off. We also discussed that making an appointment for the end of the month with the fertility clinic would allow me the ability to just let it go in my head. So, I did it. I made the appointment.
We aren't sure what will come from the appointment, but there will be more extensive testing and possibly looking into what the next step would be if we decided to do treatments.
Until then, we are just really seeking the Lord for discernment and wisdom. We are also asking him to move mountains and give us a baby!
So, that is how you can pray! Today, I am praying that the Lord, who can move mountains, would. I am also thanking Him for my sweet husband who knows so well how to gently and lovingly lead me through this unexpected journey!
Patiently Praying.
Much Love-
Al
So, basically, the highlights of the conversation were this:
1. We never expected to find ourselves in this place. Does anyone really? This reality has already hit me and I have been working to walk through that and think about what it means. Honestly, I have just worked on accepting it day by day. It has been really hard for Regan to accept that. No one ever wants to be faced with these decisions, and honestly, you don't ever expect to be here.
2. It is hard to move forward when the doctors have told you that there is nothing wrong. Being here is a really weird place. My sense of urgency and what I consider a long time, is completely different than Regan's. The test results, as shared earlier, put us in the 10% of unexplained infertility. If we decide to go to the fertility clinic, does that mean we aren't trusting the Lord? We fully believe that He can open my womb, it is biblical. How does that play out in the decisions on what we do next.
3. The step into fertility treatment potentially could be an endless financial pit. This is a big one. If we decided to pursue IUI, what if it doesn't work the first time? How many times do you try before you say enough? If it doesn't work, that is a lot of money spent that could have been used to start pursuing adoption.
These 3 points are really just a summary of what we discussed. I am so thankful for Regan and his honesty and support in this. He said at one point in the conversation that "as my husband, it is his responsibility to lead us in this. He would be doing me a disservice if he were to just jump into this fertility treatment without really praying and looking into it. He said it might not be the easiest thing to do, because he hates to see me in so much pain, but it is the right thing to do." Honestly, he was so right. I am so thankful he is leading us in this.
In the end, we talked about this month of "rest" and taking time off. We also discussed that making an appointment for the end of the month with the fertility clinic would allow me the ability to just let it go in my head. So, I did it. I made the appointment.
We aren't sure what will come from the appointment, but there will be more extensive testing and possibly looking into what the next step would be if we decided to do treatments.
Until then, we are just really seeking the Lord for discernment and wisdom. We are also asking him to move mountains and give us a baby!
So, that is how you can pray! Today, I am praying that the Lord, who can move mountains, would. I am also thanking Him for my sweet husband who knows so well how to gently and lovingly lead me through this unexpected journey!
Patiently Praying.
Much Love-
Al
Monday, March 12, 2012
Encouragement from Mom...
My mom emailed me these words the other day in response to the post I had written quoting Psalm 27:13-14...
"I looked up "wait for" in a lexical aid to the Old Testament and it says: To bind together (by twisting), to be gathered together, to be joined. I thought I remembered that was the meaning, because at one time in my life I needed to hear such words. I always believed that to wait for the Lord meant for me to hope, to trust, to be confident, to expect and it can mean that, but knowing that it also means to be joined with Him, actually twisted together gave me such a picture of the Lord being so close to me and that nothing was impossible with Him. That is my prayer for you and since you prayed, "Lord, help me to be consumed by You, and You alone", you are showing that is your heart's cry. I will be praying for the peace that passes all understanding as you are embraced by Him today and everyday."
That is my prayer for today...
That I would feel so close to the Lord that I actually feel twisted together with Him.
We are entering into the week of my cycle where I could potentially be consumed with, well a lot.
Praying to be clinging to the Lord and not my desires.
I am so grateful for a mom that constantly reminds me and encourages me to cling to the One true hope I have. I love you mom.
Patiently Praying.
Much Love-
Al
"I looked up "wait for" in a lexical aid to the Old Testament and it says: To bind together (by twisting), to be gathered together, to be joined. I thought I remembered that was the meaning, because at one time in my life I needed to hear such words. I always believed that to wait for the Lord meant for me to hope, to trust, to be confident, to expect and it can mean that, but knowing that it also means to be joined with Him, actually twisted together gave me such a picture of the Lord being so close to me and that nothing was impossible with Him. That is my prayer for you and since you prayed, "Lord, help me to be consumed by You, and You alone", you are showing that is your heart's cry. I will be praying for the peace that passes all understanding as you are embraced by Him today and everyday."
That is my prayer for today...
That I would feel so close to the Lord that I actually feel twisted together with Him.
We are entering into the week of my cycle where I could potentially be consumed with, well a lot.
Praying to be clinging to the Lord and not my desires.
I am so grateful for a mom that constantly reminds me and encourages me to cling to the One true hope I have. I love you mom.
Patiently Praying.
Much Love-
Al
Friday, March 9, 2012
Going into the weekend...
Regan and I had a really great, honest, vulnerable, and real talk last night about "what's next." I will fill all those details in later. For now, I really want to focus on what my prayer for today and this weekend is. One thing we did for sure decide is that this month we are really seeking discernment and just laying it all out before the Lord and asking that He carry us.
In the talk last night, I admitted to Regan that my tendency in doing something like this, in really seeking the Lord, isn't pure. When Regan and I were in counseling a while back, the counselor said something that has always stayed with me. He said this...
"Often times we view God as a coke machine. We tend to think of it as if we do the right thing, we will be rewarded. Just like when you put quarters in a coke machine, you get a coke. We do the same thing with God. We say, if I do this for God, then He will do what I ask Him."
I have to admit, that a lot of the time, that is what I think. If I do the right thing, if I pray enough, if I am patient enough, the list can go on and on, but whatever it is, if I do it, God will reward me.
When Regan first mentioned to me about taking this month off to pray and honestly seek the Lord, that is the first thing that came to my mind. If I do this, maybe the Lord will answer my prayers.
Sad.
But true.
My prayer for today, this weekend, and the rest of the month will be that now that I have confessed this tendency, that the Lord would break that thought pattern. That He will forgive me for viewing Him as a "coke machine" per say. That I will not see this time as a manipulation to get the Lord to answer my prayers, but that I will have a pure heart and an honest desire to seek Him. Not to seek Him to get what I think I want and need, but to honestly seek Him because HE knows what I need.
This verse sits atop my computer and I stare at it every day at work. In the beginning of this journey, I used to pray this verse with sincerity! As time has gone on, it has been harder to pray, because His time has not been my time.
" But as for me, my prayer is to you, O Lord. At an acceptable time, O God, in the abundance of your steadfast love answer me in your saving faithfulness." Psalm 69:13
Lord, forgive me for my selfish approach to this month off and fill me with the desire instead to know you more. The desire to rest at your feet and trust in you. Lord, you know the desires of my heart, help me to trust you with those. Help me to be consumed by You and You alone. Help me to, with all sincerity, pray the verse above believing that Your time, and Your time alone is acceptable and good.
Patiently Praying.
Much Love-
Al
In the talk last night, I admitted to Regan that my tendency in doing something like this, in really seeking the Lord, isn't pure. When Regan and I were in counseling a while back, the counselor said something that has always stayed with me. He said this...
"Often times we view God as a coke machine. We tend to think of it as if we do the right thing, we will be rewarded. Just like when you put quarters in a coke machine, you get a coke. We do the same thing with God. We say, if I do this for God, then He will do what I ask Him."
I have to admit, that a lot of the time, that is what I think. If I do the right thing, if I pray enough, if I am patient enough, the list can go on and on, but whatever it is, if I do it, God will reward me.
When Regan first mentioned to me about taking this month off to pray and honestly seek the Lord, that is the first thing that came to my mind. If I do this, maybe the Lord will answer my prayers.
Sad.
But true.
My prayer for today, this weekend, and the rest of the month will be that now that I have confessed this tendency, that the Lord would break that thought pattern. That He will forgive me for viewing Him as a "coke machine" per say. That I will not see this time as a manipulation to get the Lord to answer my prayers, but that I will have a pure heart and an honest desire to seek Him. Not to seek Him to get what I think I want and need, but to honestly seek Him because HE knows what I need.
This verse sits atop my computer and I stare at it every day at work. In the beginning of this journey, I used to pray this verse with sincerity! As time has gone on, it has been harder to pray, because His time has not been my time.
" But as for me, my prayer is to you, O Lord. At an acceptable time, O God, in the abundance of your steadfast love answer me in your saving faithfulness." Psalm 69:13
Lord, forgive me for my selfish approach to this month off and fill me with the desire instead to know you more. The desire to rest at your feet and trust in you. Lord, you know the desires of my heart, help me to trust you with those. Help me to be consumed by You and You alone. Help me to, with all sincerity, pray the verse above believing that Your time, and Your time alone is acceptable and good.
Patiently Praying.
Much Love-
Al
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Prayer Day #2
I have found it rather easy to give up the temperature taking in the morning and not worry about it! What a relief. We shall see how that continues to go as time carries on.
My prayer for today is that I could be honestly, truly, and genuinely at peace with where the Lord has me right now. Ultimately, this would lead to a place of such confidence that when I hear other peoples great news, I could rejoice with them. I am not there yet.
My prayer for this acceptance would in turn give me the ability to just relax. To not worry that every time I go out, someone is going to drop the pregnancy bomb. It would allow me the ability to enjoy people again and maybe actually be able to go on Facebook without getting depressed. Oh, to experience the freedom, in the depth of my heart, with all that I am, freedom of believing that God is in this. What a great place that would be.
It breaks my heart to have to admit that I am not like that. I say, daily, that I trust the Lord in this...but my constant concern and anxiety proves that I am not being honest with myself. They are just shallow words that go no deeper than giving lip service to make myself feel better.
What would that truly look like? In any circumstance? To just believe, with all that I am, with every fiber of my being, that God has me in the palm of His hand.
That is what I am praying for.
It is a big one. I need help. Please pray for me.
Much Love-
Al
My prayer for today is that I could be honestly, truly, and genuinely at peace with where the Lord has me right now. Ultimately, this would lead to a place of such confidence that when I hear other peoples great news, I could rejoice with them. I am not there yet.
My prayer for this acceptance would in turn give me the ability to just relax. To not worry that every time I go out, someone is going to drop the pregnancy bomb. It would allow me the ability to enjoy people again and maybe actually be able to go on Facebook without getting depressed. Oh, to experience the freedom, in the depth of my heart, with all that I am, freedom of believing that God is in this. What a great place that would be.
It breaks my heart to have to admit that I am not like that. I say, daily, that I trust the Lord in this...but my constant concern and anxiety proves that I am not being honest with myself. They are just shallow words that go no deeper than giving lip service to make myself feel better.
What would that truly look like? In any circumstance? To just believe, with all that I am, with every fiber of my being, that God has me in the palm of His hand.
That is what I am praying for.
It is a big one. I need help. Please pray for me.
Much Love-
Al
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Daily Prayer
Our prayer for today...
That we can regain our center. That our focus, especially mine, would not be consumed by what we don't have, but would be overwhelmed with the vast blessings that the Lord has given us.
That we can regain our center. That our focus, especially mine, would not be consumed by what we don't have, but would be overwhelmed with the vast blessings that the Lord has given us.
So many wonderful things have gone on these past couple years, and a lot of it has been over shadowed by my intense focus on the one thing that didn't go right. The one thing that my heart longs for that I didn't get.
Lord, help me to be consumed by You, and You alone.
I am grateful for the blessings!
In the last 2 years...
We traveled to a number of places...including Africa
We bought a house, an amazing house that we love and appreciate every day.
That same house is a place where we feel completely comfortable and we never want to leave it
We celebrated the birth and adoption of friends babies
Celebrated new nephews
Regan got a new job
We have had wonderful times with both our families at Holidays and on vacations
Regan and I have learned to depend on each other more and grown closer
We have become more active in our church and developed deeper relationships with our friends there
We have bought bicycles and ride all over our neighborhood
We hosted Fall Fest 2011
Our house truly is a place where people want to come and feel welcomed
Dixie...well Dixie is just amazing
We have had wonderful time with our friends on trips to the mountains, football games, golf tournaments
Regan and I developed a love for antiquing, flea markets, and bargain hunts
Regan and I can go anywhere at any time and not worry about it
I have a job that I enjoy and don't ever mind going to
We have no need to worry about where our next meal will come from, we have food
The really hard times have revealed the deep deep love and support of our friends...
We have great health in general
We have a great community group
We have family that lives close, that we see on a regular basis and love dearly
This list could go on and on...
What a great reminder of the Lord's faithfulness and a neat opportunity to see His hand in my life when I have felt forgotten for a long time.
Patiently Praying.
Much Love-
Al
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Truth
The theme of our devotion this morning was waiting on the Lord. It is hard to deny that God was using that as a reminder to me that He is in control, yet at the same time, I feel like I have been WAITING forever.
The verse this morning was this:
Psalm 27:13-14
" Yet I am confident I will see the Lord's goodness while I am here in the land of the living. Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord."
Regan mentioned how interesting it is that the verse reiterates the part about waiting for the Lord.
Whether a coincidence or not, my prayer for today is that I will be patient and that the Lord will make me brave and courageous while we wait...also at peace.
Regan and I haven't discussed what this month will look like yet, but I will keep you updated! The more I think about "taking a month off", the more I feel like it is the right decision. I feel like a month of intentional prayer would be a really good thing for me and for us.
Would you join us? We need as much intentional prayer as we can get.
Today, my prayer is that Regan and I would be united in what the next step would be. If we are supposed to take the month off, then we would both be at peace about that. We are in this journey together, and I need his support more than anything. I also need to be sensitive to what he needs, and honestly, I haven't been the easiest person to be around lately.
Please know, that I am always praying for a baby, however that baby will come to us. This time of intentional prayer will just be more specific request in regards to what this journey looks like.
My heart is pretty raw right now and the truth that the Lord is the Only healing balm that can fix that is pretty evident.
Lord, hear our prayer.
Patiently Praying.
Much Love-
Al
Monday, March 5, 2012
A Month Off?
Regan heard the beep of the thermometer and asked, "what are you doing?"
My response was easy... "Taking my temperature."
"Why?" He asked?
"Why not?" I said. I still want to know what is going on, even though the answers were obvious when I started my period on Saturday.
"I think we should take a month off. A month of not being consumed with temperatures, not trying to figure out what is going on. Not worrying about what we are doing"
"Can I still make a doctors appointment" I asked?
"Not in this month off" he replied.
"We will have to talk about this when you are completely awake." I said, and changed the conversation.
I just got the call from the doctor's office that said I did ovulate this month, but of course, the pregnancy test came back negative. Just writing those words brings tears to my eyes.
I asked the nurse... "so I guess this means that it is time to move on?"
She knew exactly what I was talking about.
"Yes. I think it is time to make an appointment with the fertility clinic", she replied.
Heart sunk, broke, cried. I knew that would be the outcome as soon as I started my period on Saturday, but the reality hit harder than I expected. Those words felt like a ton of bricks being dropped on my chest.
As I said the last post, I am praying daily to surrender the unmet desire of baby Ellis to the Lord. It is probably one of the hardest things I have ever done. To release and accept that the Lord's plans could be that I never have a baby.
I am not there yet, but I am trying.
Please pray for me.
Pray that I will hear and submit to my husband and be at peace if we are supposed to "take this month off".
If we are, pray that I will actually be able to do that without being obsessed in my head.
Last but not least, pray that I can trust in what the Lord has planned for our family. That I can truly release this clinging to the unmet desire. That I can daily release Ellis to the Lord.
Much Love- Al
My response was easy... "Taking my temperature."
"Why?" He asked?
"Why not?" I said. I still want to know what is going on, even though the answers were obvious when I started my period on Saturday.
"I think we should take a month off. A month of not being consumed with temperatures, not trying to figure out what is going on. Not worrying about what we are doing"
"Can I still make a doctors appointment" I asked?
"Not in this month off" he replied.
"We will have to talk about this when you are completely awake." I said, and changed the conversation.
I just got the call from the doctor's office that said I did ovulate this month, but of course, the pregnancy test came back negative. Just writing those words brings tears to my eyes.
I asked the nurse... "so I guess this means that it is time to move on?"
She knew exactly what I was talking about.
"Yes. I think it is time to make an appointment with the fertility clinic", she replied.
Heart sunk, broke, cried. I knew that would be the outcome as soon as I started my period on Saturday, but the reality hit harder than I expected. Those words felt like a ton of bricks being dropped on my chest.
As I said the last post, I am praying daily to surrender the unmet desire of baby Ellis to the Lord. It is probably one of the hardest things I have ever done. To release and accept that the Lord's plans could be that I never have a baby.
I am not there yet, but I am trying.
Please pray for me.
Pray that I will hear and submit to my husband and be at peace if we are supposed to "take this month off".
If we are, pray that I will actually be able to do that without being obsessed in my head.
Last but not least, pray that I can trust in what the Lord has planned for our family. That I can truly release this clinging to the unmet desire. That I can daily release Ellis to the Lord.
Much Love- Al
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Because I have no words...
God is using someone else's...
This was my devotion this morning. (found here)
“And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.” Hebrews 11:6 (NIV)
"Have you ever wanted something so badly your heart ached with each thought of it?
It seems life would be so much better if you had that.
There would be more happiness.
More contentment.
More satisfaction.
More peace.
We can envision ourself with this thing, this person, this opportunity. And all things are better. So, why doesn’t God give us this longing of our heart?
Because He wants us to willingly release it to Him.
Ouch.
Not the answer we want. Why would God let the aching desire linger and not make things happen? He could. He’s certainly able. But when He doesn’t it seems unfair. Not good. Confusing.
It’s easy to get down when we’re constantly let down.
We hope this thing will happen… we’ll meet this right person… we’ll get this job… we’ll finally be healed… we’ll get that chance… we’ll see that family member turn their life around. Time and again it doesn’t happen. That’s when it’s easy to slip.
We can so easily slip into feeling a little distant from God because we feel hurt by God.
That’s what happened when the man I thought I was going to marry told me he met someone else. That’s what happened when I didn’t get the job I was so certain was going to be the answer to all my financial problems. That’s what happened when my son didn’t get into the charter school we were so certain would have been perfect for him.
But, in each of these things, I eventually had to make a choice. I could either become consumed with my unmet longing or comforted by trusting God.
As an offering of trust, we must give up that which could so easily bring us down.
Not give up as in discouraged surrender. But give up as in placing this desire in the hand of God and saying, “Either way, I will see Your answer as the good answer and walk in trust.”
Remember the Scriptures promise, He rewards those who honestly seek Him: “And without faith is it impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.” (Hebrews 11:6 NIV)
Sometimes I get so consumed with seeking my unmet longings, I don’t earnestly seek Him. But then I miss out on His reward. And His reward is the only thing that will fill the void in my heart. Yes, I still struggle with unmet desires.
But not as much today as I did yesterday.
And that is good. Not easy. But good."
My mom told me this a few weeks ago...
Pretty much these exact same words, but in the time she told me, I wasn't ready to hear them. I know that I need to release this to the Lord. To literally lay baby Ellis at his feet and say...He/She is yours.
Please pray for me as I release this desire to the Lord. I know it is something that I will have to do multiple times through out the day. Heck, I don't even know where to begin...
One thing I do know is that I am consumed with the unmet longing...and it is taking place of being consumed by the Lord.
Baby Ellis is yours Lord. Every minute of every day I will pray to surrender the unmet desire and be filled by you.
Please pray for me...
Much love-
Al
This was my devotion this morning. (found here)
“And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.” Hebrews 11:6 (NIV)
"Have you ever wanted something so badly your heart ached with each thought of it?
It seems life would be so much better if you had that.
There would be more happiness.
More contentment.
More satisfaction.
More peace.
We can envision ourself with this thing, this person, this opportunity. And all things are better. So, why doesn’t God give us this longing of our heart?
Because He wants us to willingly release it to Him.
Ouch.
Not the answer we want. Why would God let the aching desire linger and not make things happen? He could. He’s certainly able. But when He doesn’t it seems unfair. Not good. Confusing.
It’s easy to get down when we’re constantly let down.
We hope this thing will happen… we’ll meet this right person… we’ll get this job… we’ll finally be healed… we’ll get that chance… we’ll see that family member turn their life around. Time and again it doesn’t happen. That’s when it’s easy to slip.
We can so easily slip into feeling a little distant from God because we feel hurt by God.
That’s what happened when the man I thought I was going to marry told me he met someone else. That’s what happened when I didn’t get the job I was so certain was going to be the answer to all my financial problems. That’s what happened when my son didn’t get into the charter school we were so certain would have been perfect for him.
But, in each of these things, I eventually had to make a choice. I could either become consumed with my unmet longing or comforted by trusting God.
As an offering of trust, we must give up that which could so easily bring us down.
Not give up as in discouraged surrender. But give up as in placing this desire in the hand of God and saying, “Either way, I will see Your answer as the good answer and walk in trust.”
Remember the Scriptures promise, He rewards those who honestly seek Him: “And without faith is it impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.” (Hebrews 11:6 NIV)
Sometimes I get so consumed with seeking my unmet longings, I don’t earnestly seek Him. But then I miss out on His reward. And His reward is the only thing that will fill the void in my heart. Yes, I still struggle with unmet desires.
But not as much today as I did yesterday.
And that is good. Not easy. But good."
My mom told me this a few weeks ago...
Pretty much these exact same words, but in the time she told me, I wasn't ready to hear them. I know that I need to release this to the Lord. To literally lay baby Ellis at his feet and say...He/She is yours.
Please pray for me as I release this desire to the Lord. I know it is something that I will have to do multiple times through out the day. Heck, I don't even know where to begin...
One thing I do know is that I am consumed with the unmet longing...and it is taking place of being consumed by the Lord.
Baby Ellis is yours Lord. Every minute of every day I will pray to surrender the unmet desire and be filled by you.
Please pray for me...
Much love-
Al
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