News...

"But as for me, my prayer is to you, O Lord. At an acceptable time, O God, in the abundance of your steadfast love answer me in your saving faithfulness." Psalm 69:13

The Lord heard our prayers and the prayers of our friends and families. He brought us through the hardest time of my life, grew Regan and I closer, and increased our reliance on the One true Miracle worker.

We are overcome with emotion and joy and so excited to share some news...

I will share the story very soon...

So excited to be specifically praying for Baby Ellis growing in my belly!

Much Love-
Al

at the beach

I have been at the beach with Regan and his family!

A lot to catch up on.

Will post more when I get caught up!

Praying-

Much Love-
Al

Friends...

My Bird, one of my best friends, sent this to me last night...


My dear, In the midst of hate, I found there was, within me, an invincible love.

 In the midst of tears, I found there was, within me, an invincible smile.

 In the midst of chaos, I found there was, within me, an invincible calm.

 I realized, through it all, that…

 In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.

 And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back.

In the midst of the storm, My God is My Peace.

Patiently Praying-

Much Love- Al

God's Answer

was no...

I am spotting.

patiently praying-

much love-
al

Encouragement

A birthday celebration.
The end of school and the beginning of summer.
Another IUI procedure.
And now waiting.

There has been a lot keep me busy and away from blogging.

This however, is bringing me encouragement today.

June 6, 2012
God is Working on Your Behalf
By Samantha Reed
"Since ancient times no one has heard, no ear has perceived, no eye has seen any God besides you, who acts on behalf of those who wait for him." Isaiah 64:4 (NIV)

An ultimatum from my boss left me no choice but to head into unemployment. I'll never forget the day she asked me to lead an initiative that went against God's Word.

Staying at my job would deny my faith. Leaving would challenge it. Fears clamored. If I quit, I'd be broke. I had no husband, no savings, no additional source of provision.

Day after day I pleaded with God to intervene, to change my boss's mind. But it didn't happen. She made her decision, which solidified mine: I turned in my two weeks notice.

That was my first step into my journey of joblessness. My mind raced with fears: would I be able to pay rent, find a new job, hold onto hope? Day by day, my financial, spiritual and emotional accounts were depleted. I couldn't see beyond my raw emotions and dreary situation.

God nudged me to send my resume to a ministry. A place I knew rarely hired. Somewhere I didn't know if my gifts could even be used. I doubted they'd accept my application, and pushed aside the thought to apply.

If only I had lifted my eyes away from the despair, I might have realized God was working on my behalf, much like He did for Naomi in the book of Ruth.

You see, at the same time soil churned, seeds nestled underground, and crops waved in the wind, Naomi needed God to intervene. She lamented to her widowed daughters-in-law, Orpah and Ruth:

"Even if I thought there was still hope for me—even if I had a husband tonight and then gave birth to sons— would you wait until they grew up?"(Ruth 1:12b-13a NIV)

Perceived destitution left her feeling desperate. Can you feel it in this widow's words? Then Naomi told them, "'Return home, my daughters. Why would you come with me?'" (vs. 11a)


It would take time for Naomi to look beyond her dire circumstances and see the divine intervention waiting on her. God had plans of redemption that involved Ruth, the very person Naomi tried to push away. Yet she was so engulfed by her emotions and circumstances, she couldn't fathom how God might provide.


"Call me not Naomi [pleasant]; call me Mara [bitter], for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me." (vs. 20b AMP)


Perhaps your current situation is bitter and dismal. Maybe your journey has been long. You can't see how God is working things out. You don't have the energy to apply for one more job, so you turn down the lead a friend sends you. Your marriage is on the verge of collapse anyhow, so you opt to cancel your counseling appointment. Life in general is bleak, so you withdraw rather than join your sister for dinner.


If you are weary; if the road is too difficult; if you feel destitute financially, emotionally, spiritually; don't miss this—


"So Naomi returned from Moab accompanied by Ruth the Moabite, her daughter-in-law, arriving in Bethlehem as the barley harvest was beginning." (vs. 22 NIV, emphasis added)


Naomi's journey was hard and long. Yet her first step began at the same time soil churned, seeds nestled underground, crops waved in the wind. And when she arrived at her place of redemption, the harvest was beginning; a harvest that was gleaned by Ruth, the very one she had pushed away.


It was in that field that Ruth caught Boaz's attention. Boaz, who was Naomi's kinsmen redeemer, unceremoniously provided above and beyond for both women for the rest of their lives.


Well before I turned in my two weeks notice, the Lord was tilling the heart of my would-be new employer to hire an assistant. He faithfully watered that seed as I was searching for a job. And a new position was created shortly after I applied.


Looking back now, I wish I had chosen to believe and looked expectantly for His faithfulness instead of torturing myself with worry and fear.


Though unseen, God is divinely intervening. If you are walking in what feels like a desperate and destitute place, might I encourage you? Look to the Lord instead of your circumstances today. He's working on your behalf.

Dear Lord, You are faithful. Please direct my thoughts and my steps. Take what doesn't belong—fear, doubt, unbelief—and replace them with hope, trust and joy as I focus on You instead of my circumstances. Thank You for working on my behalf. In Jesus' Name, Amen.


Lord, help me to be a Ruth though I can relate more to Naomi (or Mara).


Patiently Praying-


Much Love-
Al

Comforting Words

" I wish I was there to just hold you..."

It was simply those words that she left on my voicemail that meant more than anything else.

No matter how old, the thought of just being able to sit and be held by mom is something that I will forever cherish. It is those times, that she rest in knowing that I know the truth, and knows that words can't heal the pain. And she offers to just be present...

No matter what distance there is between us, my moms willingness to be present fills the gap.

So thankful for her as we navigate this journey together.

Patiently Praying-

Much Love-
Al

Picking up the pieces...

"When you and I let down those walls of fear and trust God for the greater good, we'll find a measure of healing and restoration just as Joseph did. Instead, we often want to cling to the pain. That kind of thinking only keeps us in the pit and allows our wounds and fears to fester and grow. God has so much more for us.

What was meant for evil in your life, God wants to use for your good.

The Lord wants to bring you and me out of the pit and place us in His palace. The choice is ours. We can focus on our bad experience and miss the joy that can be ours. Or, like Joseph, we can take the risk, venture out, forgive those who hurt us and truly believe that God has a greater good in His plans for our future."

I can definitely admit, that Saturday and Sunday, I was choosing to cling to the pain... to dwell in the suffering. There was something strangely comforting about allowing myself to be really sad, angry, and frustrated. Honestly, I allowed myself to wallow in the sadness, to cry...a lot, and to just be plain pissed off at the situation. But like my devotion said today, the choice is ours. If we risk to believe that God has a greater good and wants more for us, then we have to choose to move forward.

I am making attempts to pick up the pieces of my heart. To allow God to restore me. To remind myself that God is my source of Hope. I am choosing to trust that He allowed this to happen for a greater good, and trust me, that is REALLY hard to do. The pain is extremely deep and really raw. I am reminding myself to believe He has a plan for us to have a family. I am begging to not doubt.

It is a step by step process. A lot of times, I don't feel like I can even lift one foot to move forward...

And then I am reminded...that the Lord will carry me. The Holy Spirit will pray on my behalf...and I can just be.

"One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. 

Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky. 

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. 

Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, 

other times there was one only. 

This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, 

when I was suffering from anguish, 

sorrow or defeat, 

I could see only one set of footprints, 

so I said to the Lord, 

“ You promised me Lord, 

that if I followed you, 

you would walk with me always. 

But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life 

there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. 

Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”

The Lord replied, 

“ The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, 

my child, is when I carried you.”

--Author Mary Stevenson--

Praying-

Much Love-

Al

Confirmation

I started last night...

Another birthday...

Childless.

My heart is breaking.

It didn't work

Heaving spotting...

Cramps.

It is coming...

Which means it didn't work.

I don't have anything else to say.

Pray for me.

A Prayer for Peace

As the day of truth is approaching, I am finding myself anxious, scared, and preparing myself to be sad.

If you think about it, please pray for me.

Pray for peace, for me to trust in God's plan, for comfort, and belief...

Most of all, pray for a miracle. That the Lord is knitting together a little baby in my womb as I am typing this.

I am in the time where I am anxious to go to the bathroom, analyzing every little thing my body does, and well...just plain consumed.

I am hopeful, yet trying to be realistic and the balance...well, just doesn't work that well.

So basically...please, just pray.

Much Love-
Al

Mother's Day

Mother's Day

I have spent some time reflecting on the holiday for obvious reasons...I desperately want to be a mom.

That isn't my reality yet, so instead, I will focus on the most important part of this day...My mom.

It is funny how the stories correlate, especially now, as Regan and I are starting the adoption process (more on that later).

33 years ago, in her own  place of desperation, having tried for years to have a child of their own, my mom and dad adopted me. I was the second daughter they adopted domestically. Two and a half years later, the Lord would open her womb and my little sister would join us, biologically.

The Lord knew that this time in my life would come. He knew from the minute I was born. He knew that the mom He hand selected for me would have walked the same road, would have felt the pain and desperation, would be all to familiar with the anguish, the jealousy, and the sadness. He knew, 33 years ago when I was born, that He had the perfect women to be my mom.

I can go on and on about how wonderful of a mother she has been my entire life. How she encouraged me to be the best at whatever I did. How she loved me unconditionally even when I made mistakes. How she always brought me back to the truth of God's word. How she prayed, on her knees for me all through out my life. I can tell you about how she ask the hard questions, and challenged me to see where I am wrong, and lovingly encourages me to change for the better...

Honestly, I could go on and on...

But today, her role takes on a whole new meaning and I am so much more thankful that 33 years ago, when I didn't know where I would be, or what my life would be like...the Lord chose her.

This journey I am on would look completely different without my mom walking it with me.

Every time I talk to her, cry with her, or am reminded of her own journey, I see God's faithfulness and I am forever grateful.

I love you mom. You are "chosen" and I am forever grateful.

Patiently Praying to be a mom myself-

Much Love-

Al

Post Procedure Update

So it actually happened!

We had the IUI done this morning.

I don't know, but I don't really think it could have gone any better than it did.

Besides being a little painful and uncomfortable from having a tilted cervix and uterus, it was a breeze.

Based on the numbers they gave us, all the counts looked really great as well.

So, that is it!

Now we wait.

Thanks for the prayers!

There is a lot on the horizon for the Costello's. I will talk more about it later.

Patiently Praying-

Much Love-
Al

So...

I wasn't ready. The egg/egg wasn't ready and now will go back on Saturday for another ultra sound.

I am really just overwhelmed right now and would appreciate some prayer.

Much Love-
Al

Going In

Tomorrow I will go in for my ultrasound. What will that show?

At this point, who knows.

If all goes as planned, it will show that I have follicles and eggs just waiting to drop. If they are there, then they will give me a shot that will guarantee ovulation and Regan and I will go in Friday for the procedure.

If that doesn't happen, then I don't know what they will do.

A friend sent me this quote from a sermon...I am meditating on it as I go into the next couple days.

" Do you trust that God is all powerful? And that He is-right now- perfectly directing your life? And that nothing is outside His loving control? If so, you can stop being dominated by fear. Because when you really fear God, you can stop fearing everything else."

If you think about it...

Please pray for the ultrasound tomorrow morning at 8:45am and for the procedure to happen on Friday.

Patiently Praying

Much Love-
Al

My Prayer...

With the procedure looming...this is my prayer.

That I would not have a false sense of control that is caused from relying on medicine and science. I know, in my heart of hearts, that God can choose to use this procedure to give me a baby, or He could choose not too. He opens and closes wombs. That is the truth.

My prayer is that I will remember that the Lord is in control. The truth is, I could have 5000 eggs waiting to be fertilized, have this procedure done, and still not get pregnant. God opens and closes wombs.

My prayer is that I can let go.

Yes, God is in control.

Patiently Praying-

Much Love-
Al

Overwhelmed

I think it has hit me.

It has all built up.

And I am overwhelmed.

I hadn't thought about this month of not being pregnant very much lately, because there were distractions.

Then I got my period unusually early, and it all came flooding back.

I will start the medicine tonight and then next Thursday go in for my ultra sound.

If everything goes according to "planned", which I have learned doesn't seem to ever happen, Regan and I will have the procedure done next Friday.

All the uncertainty of this month's period, once again, being weird...combined with all the hardships we are surrounded by keep me on the verge of tears.

They also keep me drawing close to the Lord...

so for that, I am grateful.

He makes us strong in our weakness.

Please pray with us as we are moving forward in the journey that has taken us in a different direction than we could have ever imagined. Please pray that this is what the Lord will use to give us the baby that we long for. Please pray, that in everything, God will be glorified.

Patiently Praying-

Much Love-
Al

Where to start...

Without even planning, I took a break from the blog, and from thinking about getting pregnant for this month. Going into this month, with the drama of "my plan" getting thwarted with my crazy period, I thought for sure this month would be...well, pretty terrible. However, in the midst of the madness, it hasn't been too bad.

Regan and I have talked about, quite a bit this month, that we really feel like there is a spiritual attack going on around us...it has been a really hard, sad, and confusing month for us...and none of it has really revolved around not being pregnant.

In addition, our house was on a Tour of Homes this past weekend, and well, let's say that our procrastination made this month extremely full of house projects.

So, all in all, this month has gone by really quickly.

I had prayed that God would use this unexpected month to perform a miracle.

He didn't choose to do that as I started my period SUPER early on Sunday(Day 23). So we will go from here I suppose.

In the mean time, our hearts are heavy for our friends that are struggling with depression, losing fathers to cancer, pregnancies confined to bed rest at 20 weeks, drug overdoses,  and so much more...

Yes, I still desperately want a baby...and have cried that out this month from the depth of my heart in the midst of all the other prayers. The want doesn't ever go away, but there has definitely been a lot of distractions this month.

Patiently Praying-

Much Love-
Al

My Prayer

I needed to have a change in perspective.

I need to stop asking the Lord why?

I need to be able to rejoice as one of my best friends is having her fertility procedure done today. The same day that I should be having mine done.

I need to trust that the Lord knew this month would be happening before I was even born.

I need to believe that though the Lord has not performed the miracle of making me pregnant yet, it doesn't mean that he can't this month.

I am praying that this unexpected month will be used to His Glory!

I am praying, once again, that this unexpected month would exceed my expectations.

I am praying that God would move a mountain and that He would give us a baby.

Please pray with me.

Much Love-
Al

The Results

So...

After all that. After a week of waiting.

I got the call this morning. Some of the results have come in and some haven't.

Drum Roll here.

Normal.

Imagine that.

She said that the doctor reviewed the results and is considering the "spotting" I had on Friday Night, the 30th, to be my period.

So, that is it.

The nurse said that he suggested I start the fertility medicine then come in 3 days later for a ultrasound, however, considering it took them so long to get the blood work done, if that really was my period on the 30th, we are 12 days into my cycle and I am probably about to ovulate...

She connected those dots too and said she would talk to the doctor again, but was assuming he meant to start the process after I begin my next cycle...next month.

cue tears.

Patiently praying.

much love-
Al

I am a Mary...and maybe a Thomas

I called the trusted nurses line on Friday to ask for my blood test results. She didn't have them. She said they should be in on Monday.

So...the wait continues.

Friday night, Regan and I went to our churches Good Friday Service. The Pastor's prayer for those in attendance was that we would linger in the significance of what took place on that Friday so long ago. When you really think about what happened, there is such reason to rejoice come Sunday morning.

The tears started to well in my eyes pretty much as soon as our Pastor started preaching on Easter Sunday. The sermon was on 3 different people that Jesus appeared to when he arose from the dead. The first was Mary Magdalene. Mary, a previously demon possessed prostitute, was the one who sat at Jesus feet and frantically searched for him when she found the tomb empty on that Easter morning.

I am a Mary...

Clinging ever so tightly to Christ for fear that He has left and forgotten me. And in the silence, or what seem to be unanswered prayers...I get frantic. His response to Mary was not to hold on to Him, for He was going to prepare a much better place. He was going to be with our God, yet He would never leave us. He met her where she was and promised she would not be left alone.

The second person that was preached on was Thomas...doubting Thomas. It was really challenging to hear and identify with someone who had seen the miracles, sat under the teaching of the Lord himself, yet had to touch His open wounds to believe that He was the risen God. I would love to say that it wouldn't be me...yet, the doubt that I have about God being in control of this fertility journey is enough to remind me that I am no better than doubting Thomas himself.

Lastly, the third person in the sermon was Peter...

Basically, the general message was that Jesus met each of these where they were. He didn't condemn them for their present state, He just met them in their messiness and promised a better way.

My summary doesn't really do justice, so if you want to listen to the sermon, you can hear it here: http://www.midtownfellowship.org/#/media. I promise, it won't disappoint.

As I am forced to await the answers from the blood test, I am reminded that God is meeting me right where I am. He has not forsaken or forgotten me and the results, though I don't know them, He does.

Patiently Praying to a Risen Lord-

Much Love-
Al

Plowed Over...

For the past almost 2 years, every single month, I have prayed to not get my period.

For the past almost 2 years, every single month I got my period.

This month we made the decision to move in another direction...

This month, almost 2 years later, my period never came.

But the test showed negative.

I think that the emotions around this hit me harder than I had expected.

Yes, every month, with every period, I was sad and disappointed...

But to actually not get my period and not be pregnant...

well, that is a whole other level of sadness.

Just different feelings I guess.

Once again, I didn't know what to expect, but I didn't expect this.

Regan and I appreciate your prayers.

We are trusting that the Lord knew. He knew that this too would happen.

Much Love-
Al

" From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I." Psalm 61:2

My devotional for today found here.

Pin Cushion

The blood was drawn yesterday.

No period...still.

I am in this weird place of still hoping, though the test was negative, that maybe the test was wrong.

But trying not to be hopeful because that just leads to being disappointed.

I was told I should know the test results by Friday.

Thanks for your continued prayers...

The journey continues to take unexpected turns and we continue to learn the lesson that God is in control.

Still praying for that miracle.

Much Love-
Al

The Nurses Line...

Let me just tell you...

I love the Nurse line at the clinic.

By the end of this, they will probably all know my name and story since I call SO much!

Negative pregnancy test this morning.

Going in for blood work this afternoon.

Emotions...are high.

We really wanted this messed up period to mean I was pregnant...

Regan and I both.

Thank you for your prayer.

Much Love-
Al

Quick Update

I waited and waited...

and prayed and prayed.

For my period to come.

It was a really weird paradigm shift. Praying for something that for the past 22 months, I would never pray for.

The spotting came and was sometimes the same as normal and sometimes not.

Nothing this month has been consistent or the same as any other month.

The nurse at the fertility clinic told me to wait until I had 2 consecutive days of bleeding and that would indicate that my period had come.

2 consecutive days never came.

I thought it would start, and then, the next day...nothing.

So, it seems as though, as much as I thought this month would be the month to move forward with fertility treatment. It won't be.

I never started my period, so there will be no blood work. No fertility medicine and no plan for the procedure.

I am sad and disappointed...

but keep reminding myself that this...

this too...

is in God's control.

Please pray for me.

Much love-
Al

Update to the Update

So...I know I mentioned in the last post that I would be going to get blood work probably today. But this period has been really weird, and it seems as though, it has only been spotting. Which would actually make more sense since this is only day 27.

I prayed that the Lord would make it clear to me today whether I started or not, so that I would not be consumed and he did. It has been minimal spotting at best. So I am believing that I have yet to start and will go from here.

Please pray that I will start my period this weekend! Never thought I would be praying that prayer. Ha...

I think with all these time sensitive test, starting meds, etc...this weird spotting has thrown me for a loop.

Really, I just want to start so that I know for sure what has been happening the last few days has indeed been spotting and not a weird, super early, period.

I know that in the end, the worst case scenario is that this month is just thrown off and we can move forward next month. Goodness, have I learned that this isn't in my timing anyway! But, really, after such a great and positive appointment, we were excited about these new developments.

Please pray with us!

Much Love-
Al

Update Time...

Since I don't really tell people about this blog, there aren't many readers...

But for the few, I will give an update on the fertility appointment yesterday, though I think I have told most of you "readers" on the phone the update!

First and foremost, I want to thank you for the prayers. They were definitely felt as Regan and I entered the previously unknown world of fertility treatment.

Right off the bat, I will just say whoa. I knew when they put a blue armband on both Regan and I with an identification number on it that this was serious business. In lieu of our date night tonight to see the Hunger Games, I definitely looked at my identification bracelet and thought...what district have I been assigned to?

Overall, we had a really positive and great experience. We liked our nurse that walked through the whole 3 hours with us and we really liked our doctor. There is something about visiting and talking to someone who specializes in this, someone that sees these things day in and day out, that is really nice.

Honestly, there is really no "new" news that came from the visit, but we do have a plan in place. The doctor reviewed all my prior test results and conducted an ultrasound. All the results from that were completely normal. The plan is this...

Tomorrow, I will go in and have some "fasting" blood work completed. That will test for more things that were tested previously, including sperm antibodies (or being allergic). Regan and I have always wondered, considering that I am allergic to everything, if I had an allergy... as I have heard some women do. That lingering question will be answered through this blood work. If everything goes okay from that, on day 12 of my cycle I will go in and have another ultrasound done. From that ultrasound, they will be able to tell which ovary is going to produce the egg this month. If they can tell that, they will give me an injection that will guarantee the egg will drop within the next 24-36 hours at which time Regan and I will go in and have IUI  (In Utero Implantation) done. Crazy right. The doctor literally said, " we will do the procedure, you will lay here for 15 minutes, and then continue your day as normal." Crazy right?!?

So, from the doctor, we confirmed that as of right now, we are still in the 10% unknown. He told us that what we have been doing the last 2 years hasn't worked, so we decide if we want to try something else.

Regan and I both left feeling really good. I think Regan was skeptical about the clinic trying to push us in a direction that we weren't willing to go, to make money. We didn't have that experience at all. We really feel like our doctor has our best interest at heart and has advised us in the direction that is best suited for us.

So, that is it! I will definitely continue to update on what I hear and learn, the test results, and of course, call in the prayer warriors on the day of the procedure! Though we would love the continued prayer through out this journey.

My prayer right now is that my Hope will stay grounded in the One that really matters!

Patiently praying-

Much Love-
Al

Spring Break

Taking the month off has been easier than I expected...

Helping was a week with my family at the beach. Definitely a nice distraction.

Regan and I have our fertility appointment tomorrow morning at 10:00am.

I would be lying if I said that I wasn't praying for a miracle pregnancy this month and the ability to avoid the fertility center all together. As I started spotting, I knew that wasn't my reality.

Please pray for us. It is easy to get anxious about what the test results will reveal, as they do more extensive testing than we have had in the past.

The Lord has reminded me the last couple days that He promised that He had a baby for me.

Clinging to that promise.

Patiently Praying-

Much Love-
Al

You are not alone...

This, well, it is just so encouraging to me, and so how I feel. It is from a blog I read on a regular basis.

"I call Him, because I know His name.

And He answers, because He has always knows mine.

I am lost in the wreckage, trying to get my bearings, and while I can’t even lift my head, He whispers throughout the madness…I am here, love. Rest.

I snuck in when you thought it was over. When you thought it was impossible. And while your back was turned and the world was upside-down, I came near to you. I have seen you wrestle with your pain, shout in anger, and kick the sides of this life until the bruises reminded you that you could even feel at all.

And somewhere, sometime…many in fact, I bowed beside you and sang. And when you thought you couldn’t get to me, I reminded you that I always, always come to you."

You can find the whole post here.

Patiently Praying.

Much Love-
Al

Where we are...

So, Regan and I had the much anticipated conversation about "what's next". It was really good and really hard all at the same time. It was really important for us to make sure that are are on the same page as we move forward. A lot of factors play into what we decide to do next and as always, there are a lot of unanswered questions in any direction that we decide to take. Regan made some really good points and it was really important for me to hear him out! Honestly, I think I would have been at the fertility clinic a long time ago, but as he always tells me, we are in this together!

So, basically, the highlights of the conversation were this:

1. We never expected to find ourselves in this place. Does anyone really? This reality has already hit me and I have been working to walk through that and think about what it means. Honestly, I have just worked on accepting it day by day. It has been really hard for Regan to accept that. No one ever wants to be faced with these decisions, and honestly, you don't ever expect to be here.

2. It is hard to move forward when the doctors have told you that there is nothing wrong. Being here is a really weird place. My sense of urgency and what I consider a long time, is completely different than Regan's. The test results, as shared earlier, put us in the 10% of unexplained infertility. If we decide to go to the fertility clinic, does that mean we aren't trusting the Lord? We fully believe that He can open my womb, it is biblical. How does that play out in the decisions on what we do next.

3. The step into fertility treatment potentially could be an endless financial pit. This is a big one. If we decided to pursue IUI, what if it doesn't work the first time? How many times do you try before you say enough? If it doesn't work, that is a lot of money spent that could have been used to start pursuing adoption.

These 3 points are really just a summary of what we discussed. I am so thankful for Regan and his honesty and support in this. He said at one point in the conversation that "as my husband, it is his responsibility to lead us in this. He would be doing me a disservice if he were to just jump into this fertility treatment without really praying and looking into it. He said it might not be the easiest thing to do, because he hates to see me in so much pain, but it is the right thing to do." Honestly, he was so right. I am so thankful he is leading us in this.

In the end, we talked about this month of "rest" and taking time off. We also discussed that making an appointment for the end of the month with the fertility clinic would allow me the ability to just let it go in my head. So, I did it. I made the appointment.

We aren't sure what will come from the appointment, but there will be more extensive testing and possibly looking into what the next step would be if we decided to do treatments.

Until then, we are just really seeking the Lord for discernment and wisdom. We are also asking him to move mountains and give us a baby!

So, that is how you can pray! Today, I am praying that the Lord, who can move mountains, would. I am also thanking Him for my sweet husband who knows so well how to gently and lovingly lead me through this unexpected journey!

Patiently Praying.

Much Love-
Al

Encouragement from Mom...

My mom emailed me these words the other day in response to the post I had written quoting Psalm 27:13-14...

"I looked up "wait for" in a lexical aid to the Old Testament and it says:  To bind together (by twisting), to be gathered together, to be joined.  I thought I remembered that was the meaning, because at one time in my life I needed to hear such words.  I always believed that to wait for the Lord meant for me to hope, to trust, to be confident, to expect and it can mean that, but knowing that it also means to be joined with Him, actually twisted together gave me such a picture of  the Lord being so close to me and that nothing was impossible with Him.  That is my prayer for you and since you prayed, "Lord, help me to be consumed by You, and You alone", you are showing that is your heart's cry.  I will be praying for the peace that passes all understanding as you are embraced by Him today and everyday."

That is my prayer for today...

That I would feel so close to the Lord that I actually feel twisted together with Him.

We are entering into the week of my cycle where I could potentially be consumed with, well a lot.

Praying to be clinging to the Lord and not my desires.

I am so grateful for a mom that constantly reminds me and encourages me to cling to the One true hope I have. I love you mom.

Patiently Praying.

Much Love-
Al

Going into the weekend...

Regan and I had a really great, honest, vulnerable, and real talk last night about "what's next." I will fill all those details in later. For now, I really want to focus on what my prayer for today and this weekend is. One thing we did for sure decide is that this month we are really seeking discernment and just laying it all out before the Lord and asking that He carry us.

In the talk last night, I admitted to Regan that my tendency in doing something like this, in really seeking the Lord, isn't pure. When Regan and I were in counseling a while back, the counselor said something that has always stayed with me. He said this...

"Often times we view God as a coke machine. We tend to think of it as if we do the right thing, we will be rewarded. Just like when you put quarters in a coke machine, you get a coke. We do the same thing with God. We say, if I do this for God, then He will do what I ask Him."

I have to admit, that a lot of the time, that is what I think. If I do the right thing, if I pray enough, if I am patient enough, the list can go on and on, but whatever it is, if I do it, God will reward me.

When Regan first mentioned to me about taking this month off to pray and honestly seek the Lord, that is the first thing that came to my mind. If I do this, maybe the Lord will answer my prayers.

Sad.

But true.

My prayer for today, this weekend, and the rest of the month will be that now that I have confessed this tendency, that the Lord would break that thought pattern. That He will forgive me for viewing Him as a "coke machine" per say.  That I will not see this time as a manipulation to get the Lord to answer my prayers, but that I will have a pure heart and an honest desire to seek Him. Not to seek Him to get what I think I want and need, but to honestly seek Him because HE knows what I need.

This verse sits atop my computer and I stare at it every day at work. In the beginning of this journey, I used to pray this verse with sincerity! As time has gone on, it has been harder to pray, because His time has not been my time.

" But as for me, my prayer is to you, O Lord. At an acceptable time, O God, in the abundance of your steadfast love answer me in your saving faithfulness." Psalm 69:13

Lord, forgive me for my selfish approach to this month off and fill me with the desire instead to know you more. The desire to rest at your feet and trust in you. Lord, you know the desires of my heart, help me to trust you with those. Help me to be consumed by You and You alone. Help me to, with all sincerity, pray the verse above believing that Your time, and Your time alone is acceptable and good.

Patiently Praying.

Much Love-
Al

Prayer Day #2

I have found it rather easy to give up the temperature taking in the morning and not worry about it! What a relief. We shall see how that continues to go as time carries on.

My prayer for today is that I could be honestly, truly, and genuinely at peace with where the Lord has me right now. Ultimately, this would lead to a place of such confidence that when I hear other peoples great news, I could rejoice with them. I am not there yet.

My prayer for this acceptance would in turn give me the ability to just relax. To not worry that every time I go out, someone is going to drop the pregnancy bomb. It would allow me the ability to enjoy people again and maybe actually be able to go on Facebook without getting depressed. Oh, to experience the freedom, in the depth of my heart, with all that I am, freedom of believing that God is in this. What a great place that would be.

It breaks my heart to have to admit that I am not like that. I say, daily, that I trust the Lord in this...but my constant concern and anxiety proves that I am not being honest with myself. They are just shallow words that go no deeper than giving lip service to make myself feel better.

What would that truly look like? In any circumstance? To just believe, with all that I am, with every fiber of my being, that God has me in the palm of His hand.

That is what I am praying for.

It is a big one. I need help. Please pray for me.

Much Love-
Al

Daily Prayer

Our prayer for today...

That we can regain our center. That our focus, especially mine, would not be consumed by what we don't have, but would be overwhelmed with the vast blessings that the Lord has given us.

So many wonderful things have gone on these past couple years, and a lot of it has been over shadowed by my intense focus on the one thing that didn't go right. The one thing that my heart longs for that I didn't get. 

Lord, help me to be consumed by You, and You alone.

I am grateful for the blessings!

In the last 2 years...

We traveled to a number of places...including Africa

We bought a house, an amazing house that we love and appreciate every day.

That same house is a place where we feel completely comfortable and we never want to leave it

We celebrated the birth and adoption of friends babies

Celebrated new nephews

Regan got a new job

We have had wonderful times with both our families at Holidays and on vacations

Regan and I have learned to depend on each other more and grown closer

We have become more active in our church and developed deeper relationships with our friends there

We have bought bicycles and ride all over our neighborhood

We hosted Fall Fest 2011 

Our house truly is a place where people want to come and feel welcomed

Dixie...well Dixie is just amazing

We have had wonderful time with our friends on trips to the mountains, football games, golf tournaments

Regan and I developed a love for antiquing, flea markets, and bargain hunts

Regan and I can go anywhere at any time and not worry about it

I have a job that I enjoy and don't ever mind going to

We have no need to worry about where our next meal will come from, we have food

The really hard times have revealed the deep deep love and support of our friends...

We have great health in general

We have a great community group

We have family that lives close, that we see on a regular basis and love dearly

This list could go on and on...

What a great reminder of the Lord's faithfulness and a neat opportunity to see His hand in my life when I have felt forgotten for a long time.

Patiently Praying.

Much Love-

Al

Truth

The theme of our devotion this morning was waiting on the Lord. It is hard to deny that God was using that as a reminder to me that He is in control, yet at the same time, I feel like I have been WAITING forever.

The verse this morning was this:

Psalm 27:13-14

" Yet I am confident I will see the Lord's goodness while I am here in the land of the living. Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord."

Regan mentioned how interesting it is that the verse reiterates the part about waiting for the Lord.

Whether a coincidence or not, my prayer for today is that I will be patient and that the Lord will make me brave and courageous while we wait...also at peace.

Regan and I haven't discussed what this month will look like yet, but I will keep you updated! The more I think about "taking a month off", the more I feel like it is the right decision. I feel like a month of intentional prayer would be a really good thing for me and for us. 

Would you join us? We need as much intentional prayer as we can get.

Today, my prayer is that Regan and I would be united in what the next step would be. If we are supposed to take the month off, then we would both be at peace about that. We are in this journey together, and I need his support more than anything.  I also need to be sensitive to what he needs, and honestly, I haven't been the easiest person to be around lately. 

Please know, that I am always praying for a baby, however that baby will come to us. This time of intentional prayer will just be more specific request in regards to what this journey looks like.

My heart is pretty raw right now and the truth that the Lord is the Only healing balm that can fix that is pretty evident.

Lord, hear our prayer.

Patiently Praying.

Much Love-

Al

A Month Off?

Regan heard the beep of the thermometer and asked, "what are you doing?"

My response was easy... "Taking my temperature."

"Why?" He asked?

"Why not?" I said. I still want to know what is going on, even though the answers were obvious when I started my period on Saturday.

"I think we should take a month off. A month of not being consumed with temperatures, not trying to figure out what is going on. Not worrying about what we are doing"

"Can I still make a doctors appointment" I asked?

"Not in this month off" he replied.

"We will have to talk about this when you are completely awake." I said, and changed the conversation.

I just got the call from the doctor's office that said I did ovulate this month, but of course, the pregnancy test came back negative. Just writing those words brings tears to my eyes.

I asked the nurse... "so I guess this means that it is time to move on?"

She knew exactly what I was talking about.

"Yes. I think it is time to make an appointment with the fertility clinic", she replied.

Heart sunk, broke, cried. I knew that would be the outcome as soon as I started my period on Saturday, but the reality hit harder than I expected. Those words felt like a ton of bricks being dropped on my chest.

As I said the last post, I am praying daily to surrender the unmet desire of baby Ellis to the Lord. It is probably one of the hardest things I have ever done. To release and accept that the Lord's plans could be that I never have a baby.

I am not there yet, but I am trying.

Please pray for me.

Pray that I will hear and submit to my husband and be at peace if we are supposed to "take this month off".

If we are, pray that I will actually be able to do that without being obsessed in my head.

Last but not least, pray that I can trust in what the Lord has planned for our family. That I can truly release this clinging to the unmet desire. That I can daily release Ellis to the Lord.

Much Love- Al

Because I have no words...

God is using someone else's...

This was my devotion this morning. (found here)

“And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.” Hebrews 11:6 (NIV)
"Have you ever wanted something so badly your heart ached with each thought of it? 

It seems life would be so much better if you had that.
There would be more happiness.
More contentment. 
More satisfaction. 
More peace. 

We can envision ourself with this thing, this person, this opportunity. And all things are better. So, why doesn’t God give us this longing of our heart? 

Because He wants us to willingly release it to Him. 

Ouch. 
Not the answer we want. Why would God let the aching desire linger and not make things happen? He could. He’s certainly able. But when He doesn’t it seems unfair. Not good. Confusing.

It’s easy to get down when we’re constantly let down. 

We hope this thing will happen… we’ll meet this right person… we’ll get this job… we’ll finally be healed… we’ll get that chance… we’ll see that family member turn their life around. Time and again it doesn’t happen. That’s when it’s easy to slip. 
We can so easily slip into feeling a little distant from God because we feel hurt by God. 

 That’s what happened when the man I thought I was going to marry told me he met someone else. That’s what happened when I didn’t get the job I was so certain was going to be the answer to all my financial problems. That’s what happened when my son didn’t get into the charter school we were so certain would have been perfect for him. 

But, in each of these things, I eventually had to make a choice. I could either become consumed with my unmet longing or comforted by trusting God. 

As an offering of trust, we must give up that which could so easily bring us down. 

Not give up as in discouraged surrender. But give up as in placing this desire in the hand of God and saying, “Either way, I will see Your answer as the good answer and walk in trust.” 

Remember the Scriptures promise, He rewards those who honestly seek Him: “And without faith is it impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.” (Hebrews 11:6 NIV) 

Sometimes I get so consumed with seeking my unmet longings, I don’t earnestly seek Him. But then I miss out on His reward. And His reward is the only thing that will fill the void in my heart. Yes, I still struggle with unmet desires. 

But not as much today as I did yesterday. 

And that is good. Not easy. But good."

My mom told me this a few weeks ago...
Pretty much these exact same words, but in the time she told me, I wasn't ready to hear them. I know that I need to release this to the Lord. To literally lay baby Ellis at his feet and say...He/She is yours.

Please pray for me as I release this desire to the Lord. I know it is something that I will have to do multiple times through out the day. Heck, I don't even know where to begin...

One thing I do know is that I am consumed with the unmet longing...and it is taking place of being consumed by the Lord.

Baby Ellis is yours Lord. Every minute of every day I will pray to surrender the unmet desire and be filled by you.

Please pray for me...

Much love-
Al

Just that week...

I have been talking a lot lately about God using people to fill the gap for me. A dear friend sent me this blog this morning, and well, this blogger sums it up quite perfectly actually!

http://angiesmithonline.com/2012/02/baros/

If you have a sec, I would suggest that you read it. It is biblical, there are some burdens that are meant to be shared, and God places special people on your journey to do just that. I am so grateful.

In regards to how I am doing? Well, thanks for asking! ha. It is once again THAT week of the month. The week where you evaluate every pain, ache, cramp, temperature drop, tint in my pee, and well...everything else! I am 99.2 % positive that I am starting my period, but until that happens, there is always this glimmer of hope...buried deep down in my heart. Hope that I am wrong. Hope that this is my month. Hope that God has opened my womb and performed a miracle. I can't fight the hope, but it is also that hope that allows for such a great disappointment!

So, with that being said, the question I have been thinking about is what's next? This is my third month on Femara, a fertility medicine, that the doctor said I could take for 3-4 months. Regan and I have started to pray for discernment and wisdom as to what that looks like. If you think about it, we would appreciate you joining us on those prayers.

The way we see it, there are pretty much two options.

1. Pursue the fertility clinic for more extensive testing. To see if there is something going on that the general test the OBGYN administered didn't pick up on. They have told me from the beginning that they think I am a good candidate for IUI. So these test would potentially lead to pursuing that option.

2. Start the adoption process.

I don't know what the answers will be to what's next. I honestly, just want a baby. I was holding a friends baby the other night and just had this overwhelming feeling of "this is what I am made for." I probably could have cried. I long for that.

So...here we are. Still patiently praying and begging for a baby, and also begging for some direction.

Much Love-
Al

Swirling...

My mind is swirling right now with temperatures that aren't doing what I think they should be doing, ovulation test, and just things that are out of my control. I am working, to accept this place where the Lord has me. The sermon at church on Sunday was all about the truth of when you honestly accept the place where the Lord has you, no matter how hard that place is, you are able to step into other peoples joys because you are completely confident and peaceful in the fact that the Lord is in control. Our pastor challenged us to daily pray for the peace that comes from knowing that God has you right where He wants you. That is a hard thing to do.

Most recently, I have not been able to do that, instead, I was totally self consumed and selfish...it reeked havoc and left a trail of sadness and hurt. I have seen the opposite of what our Pastor was talking about above, and honestly, I don't ever want to see it again. I have been incapable of walking into someones joy because I was consumed by my own sadness and not accepting of this place that God has me. As I have said before, there is a lot of learning that is involved in this time of my life, and unfortunately, it hasn't looked pretty all the time. I am still deeply saddened by how I acted. Sad about a missed opportunity to rejoice with my best friend, sad about knowing that I hurt her, and just plain sad. So, I am praying to be different. Praying each morning to accept this place that the Lord has me...

In the mean time, I am wearing this to serve as a reminder...it arrived yesterday from another dear, dear friend with a simple note. "The primrose is one of the first flowers to signify spring’s awakening. Representing the courage it takes to be bold in the face of difficult conditions, the primrose is also consistently graceful and delicate. It is a reminder that grace under pressure is the ultimate indicator of character." She went on to say, this bracelet should serve as a reminder of the One true place where Grace comes from...

Again, the Lord has showed His grace and Mercy, and used people closest to me to daily remind me of that. This journey and this load has been made lighter because of the people God has placed in my life and I am forever grateful. I will wear this bracelet daily and not only be reminded of God's grace, but also of the person that sent it and the knowledge that I am not alone in this.

To my other dear friend I mentioned above, words can't describe how deeply sorry I am for missing my opportunity to step into the place where God has you and join your in rejoicing.

Patiently praying...

Much Love-
Al

A simple note...

Servant Song

Will you let me be your servant
Let me be as Christ to you
Pray that I might have the grace
To let me be your servant too

 We are pilgrims on the journey
We are brothers on the road
We are here to help each other
Walk the mile and bear the load

 I will hold the Christ light for you
In the night time of your fear
I will hold my hand out to you
Speak the the peace you long to hear.

 I will weep when you are weeping
When you laugh, I'll laugh with you
I will share your joy and sorrow
Till we've seen this journey through.

 When we sing to God in heaven
We shall find such harmony
Born to all we've known together
Of Christ's love and agony

I received a note from a dear friend this past week. In it, were the lyrics above, to a hymn that I have never heard before. She simply wrote that every time they sing this song in church she thinks of me. The note now holds a permanent place on my dresser and serves as such a sweet reminder that the Lord really does give you people to hold your hand, speak truth, weep and laugh with you.

God has definitely known what I have needed these past couple weeks, and through emails, notes, and text, I have been constantly reminded that He has not forgotten about me.

To my dear, dear friend...you know who you are, thank you for being a tool God used to remind me of His presence.

Patiently Praying-

Much Love-
Al

V- Day

To My Lover...

The one who loves me enough

to allow me the freedom to just

"Be".

Regardless of what that looks like.

The one who has loved me through

the deepest pain of this last 18 months

wiped my tears

carried me when I couldn't walk

reminded me of truth

and just let me...

"Be".

To the one that makes me laugh,

makes up songs every morning,

teaches me to relax and enjoy life,

and allows me to just...

"Be".

My lover, the one that still chooses Me...

Even when the Me I am today, 

doesn't look like the Me I was before...

and he still, let's me just...

"Be".

My Lover.

Being me has looked very different these last 18 months through this journey of infertility. 

I wouldn't be where I am today without Regan.

I would choose no one else to walk this journey with.

The Lord knew the kind of man I would need, for right now, and for forever.

Much love to my Best Friend...

Who will make the best daddy there ever was.

Love-

Al

Tears...

His compassion...

“You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.” (Psalm 56:8, NLT)

Have you ever stopped to consider that God is keeping track of all your sorrows? He knows each one of them. He has seen you cry until you can’t cry any more.  He has seen your tears when you have cried all alone in the dark, not sure of where to turn or where to go. He has recorded each one in His book and collected your tears in the bottle He has just for you. How precious you are to Him!

This is straight from an email devotional that I get every morning and is so timely...

God knows my tears and hears my cries...

Praying.

Much Love-
Al

Where is the rest?

Isaiah 30:15

This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says:
 “In repentance and rest is your salvation,
   in quietness and trust is your strength,
   but you would have none of it.

This verse was in the devotional that Regan and I attempt to do every morning.

This pretty much sums up the feelings I am wrestling with right now.

As of late, the peace I was feeling, has vanished and I have been left with the wrangling of thoughts in my head. These thoughts, though I don't verbalize them as often as I think them, have gone as far as to permeate my dreams. I have been edgy with Regan, and honestly just in a foul mood.

I woke up this morning having had a dream that was overrun with babies, kids, friends with tons of kids, etc. For me, that is a true indication that my mind is just overloaded. I never remember my dreams, and this is the second night in a row where I have dreamt of all things baby.

"In quietness and trust is your strength...but you would have none of it..."


I don't know what has triggered this unrest. This spurt of anxiety and absolute consumption...

All I know is that I so desperately want to have a baby, it is controlling my thoughts every minute of every day...and in that, there has been no quietness.


Regan reminded me this morning that so many of our friends are praying for us right now...and honestly, that is a good thing. To be carried by ones that love us and have chosen to step into the struggle with us...

because at this time, I can't find the quietness myself. I can't find the rest, I can't find the peace.

Thanks for praying on my behalf for baby Ellis...

Much Love-
Al

inspiration

So much has gone on this past month, that I have been taking some time to just take a deep breath...

I will be back to explain...

Until then...

Patiently Praying for baby Ellis...

Much love-
Al

another month...

Spotting.

Devastated.

Right now I am just praying, not necessarily patiently.

Much Love-
Al

Needing a distraction

To the woman who loved well and loved hard...

It is amazing how you can feel so positive and joyful in one instance and bam, something happens and robs you of that joy...

That is what I am dealing with right now. Sad. Trying not to be anxious and over analyzing. Trying to focus on other things and not be consumed with the emotions in my head. So on that note, there is something else on my heart that I will blog about instead.

Friday night was extremely special.

January 31st will mark the ten year anniversary of the death of Nancy Webb Costello. This past Friday night, I was able to be a part of one of the most memorable nights I have had in a really long time. Mike, Regan's dad, took Regan, Lauren and I out for a dinner in honor of their mom. It was a sweet time of hearing and sharing stories, both funny and sad about the women who forever shaped their lives.

You know, I didn't have the opportunity to meet her in person. Regan and I started dating 4 years after she passed. Over my last 6 years of knowing Regan, I find myself thinking quite regularly " I bet that is something his mom would do." It is amazing how children pick up behaviors and sayings, habits and personalities of their parents. Her passing has been something that I have experienced by walking through the grieving process with Regan over the last few years.

However, recently my perspective has changed a little bit.

When I started to think about having a family, everything changed. It is no longer just about this amazing woman that was Regan's mom. It is about a person that I would have loved for our future children to meet. It is about the woman who instilled the qualities into Regan that have made him who he is today. It is about the woman that loved, encouraged,  and adored my husband. It is about the woman who made Regan love to sing out loud. The mom who everyone loved, just like everyone loves Regan. It is about the mom who fell asleep with her bible on her chest and convinced Regan he could do anything and do it well.

This is the mom that made Regan who he is. He will be the dad he will be much in part because of the way his mom was with him.

Friday night was extremely special because though my future children will never know her personally, they will know the stories. They will know the impact that she made on the man who will be their dad.

Because of Friday night...

My babies will know Nancy Costello and I am forever grateful.

Patiently Praying-

Much Love-
Al

Encouragement...

From here...

"And in this moment God fulfills every promise and every prophecy. This, God’s perfect time. God does not wait for the world to get ready, He enters right into the mess.

He makes Himself very least, no more status or opportunity than an easily overlooked infant in the slums where I spend so many hard hours. Very least so that He can commune with the very most desperate – you and me. He doesn’t mind that I am not ready yet and He doesn’t mind the wretched condition of my heart or the stench of my sin. God’s time is now and He enters into the mess, ready or not.

His perfect timing, now. Now is where He has called us. And we are just not ready yet. We need to clean up the house a bit and pray a little more and seek more counsel and we don’t know how to do that yet and oh, we have our excuses. And God says, “I’m here now, and I am ok with the mess because I am here for the messy.”


Reflecting on what this past year and my journey with infertility, overall it looks really messy. It looks sad, and angry, frustrating, and jealous. Really...just messy.

Yet such encouragement is found in the fact that the Lord doesn't come for those who have it all together and are self reliant. He comes and loves the messy. Our deep longing and need for the Lord is found when we realize that He is the only one that can clean up the messes. I make a lot of messes in my life when I try and handle things on my own...I am, oh so grateful, that God loves me despite the mess I make.

Praising God that He is here for the messy... ME.

Patiently Praying-

Much Love-
Al

Sometimes...

Sometimes when...

Just saying that makes me think of a Saturday night live sketch or something. I guess that could just be the tone that is echoing in my mind right now, but anyway back to this post.

Sometimes when you are talking to someone you have an epiphany. Almost like being told to heed your own advice and then actually doing it.

I was having an email conversation with one of my best friends about Regan's current job situation. After updating her on where he stands, she said " I am so sincerely sorry you're walking this journey in addition to the infertility one."

My response, and I meant it wholeheartedly, surprised me..."I guess that it is a true test to allowing the Lord to be in control. Hopefully it is a good sign that I am learning and the Lord is trusting me with more..."

One of my greatest realizations in this whole infertility journey has been my uncontrollable need to control. In return, realizing that I have major trust issues with the Lord.

Over the last couple months, my prayer has been that I have learned this lesson and that the Lord would end this phase of my life and answer my prayers. He may not have answered my prayers with a child yet, but it does seem that He has heard me.

Regan lost his job.

Until today, I don't think that I saw the significance of what that truly means. He, the Lord, has revealed that He has increased my faith, and in turn called me to step in deeper. Have you really learned that I am in control Allison? Let's see...

Bam. Infertility AND joblessness...

Who is really in control now?

My tendency has been to ask "why God"? Why would you do this to us? However, through this brief conversation with a dear friend, I am in awe...

Thank you Lord for revealing to me that I have learned to trust you enough to believe that though these times are really tough, you are in control. To reveal to me that obviously I can handle more, because you don't give us more than we can handle. To open my eyes to see that maybe, just maybe, Regan losing his job was a way for the Lord to show me that He really is in control...and for me to believe it.

Patiently Praying...

Much love-
Al

Day 12

I had coffee with a dear friend yesterday morning. It is always a sweet time, that doesn't happen often enough. It is a time of raw vulnerability that comes from a years of earning trust and sharing life. It has brought us to a beautifully transparent friendship that allows tears and laughing to coexist in the same conversation. In our 2 hours of catching up, she of course wanted to know the "update", or lack there of, on what is going on with our fertility journey. Boy, did she ask a loaded question!

In trying to give her a glimpse of what goes on in my head, I began to describe how my life is laid out in days. From cycle day 1 to cycle day 28, it is a myriad of emotions. From temperatures, to ovulation test, to analyzing every symptom of your body, your mind becomes consumed by cycle days. You days are truly numbered...and with every day comes a different emotion. I am in a part of my cycle where hope abounds, so I am going to choose to cling that that right now and allow myself to feel free in this time. Free of the consumption that awaits on the other side.

In the mean time, reading another blog this morning, these words just really touched my heart...

"I see beauty in the outcome and sadness in the death, but they know beauty in the process."

"This is what my loving Father was teaching me every day of the last year, this beauty in the process. That while a healed and whole family is a marvelous thing to behold, the process that got us there is where He was most glorified and where He drew us to Himself. That a wound all healed and covered with smooth new skin is not nearly as wonderful as the relationship that was built while I bandaged that wound everyday for 8 months and cried tears and laughed stories of my Savior. That dreams die and plans change and seasons end, but He is not done yet. He sees the seeds that come with all the endings and He is faithful to turn them into harvest, into beauty.
 
Sometimes we look out at our lives and it seems the garden is empty – plans dead as withered leaves, dreams laid waste. Could we rejoice in the season of waiting, believing that God who brought Jesus out of the black tomb and brings green shoots out of hard earth will bring new life out of all dark seasons too? Could we know that beauty is in this whole process, the waiting part too, not just the end result?"

My prayer in this time of hope is that I will trust that God is working in this time of waiting...that he is healing this wound that has been numbered daily for 18 months. That there truly will be beauty in the process. That though it seems like a season of complete drought, of dreams dying, that He is faithful and will turn this time into harvest and beauty.

I know that looking back, baby Ellis will be worth the wait, the pain, the anger, the sadness. Ellis will be worth every single numbered day of my cycle...

Patiently, and sometimes not so patiently praying...

much love-
Al

Trusting in the Promise...

In light of the new year, I read this and was instantly reminded of the promise...

"We have to remember. Because how can we ever move forward if we don’t look back? This God, He makes promises and in remembering we see the truth: this God, He keeps promises." (from here: http://kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com/)

I was reminded of the promise the Lord gave me in my journal when I was in a really desperate place. I get in those places sometimes. More than I would like.

Anyway...He promised He had a baby for me.

He didn't promise when, how, or how many.

He just promised.

And the words above were so helpful in reminding me that if I don't look back, how will I ever remember or see the promises of the Lord.

He keeps His promises.

Patiently praying for the fulfillment of His promise to me...

Much Love-
Al

Out with the old...

Obviously, the blog went on vacation when I did! Sorry about that. Fortunately, the rest and time away was nice and refreshing and will hopefully get me back on the blog train now. There has been a lot to reflect on over the last couple weeks. It has been interesting to think back over the previous year and really spend some time reflecting on it. There has been some ups for sure, but there have also been a lot of downs. I feel as though 2011 was actually a really hard year, so I am excited to close the chapter and move forward with hope and expectation for 2012.

With the end of 2011, the Lord showed us it is out with the old by releasing Regan from the job that he didn't really love anyway. It has been a hard time and also a really sweet time of seeing God's provision and faithfulness. We have been here before, and it is neat to look back and remember that God carried us the first time and will do the same this time. I am excited to see where the Lord will put Regan next, and though at times, it is overwhelming and scary, overall, we really see the Lord's hand in this. He has a ton of opportunities right now, so we are praying that the Lord makes His path clear. That we will see closed doors as prevision and not discouragement. That the Lord would give us discernment and wisdom, and that Regan would find a job that he really loves doing and utilizes his strengths.

I was hoping that out with the old also meant the Lord would answer our prayer for a baby with this first months treatment of fertility medicine, but it doesn't seem that is the case. As Regan and I were driving home to Florida for Christmas, we talked about where we were last year at this same time...driving home to Florida for Christmas and sad (sad might be a slight understatement...it is more like devastated) that I wasn't pregnant. It is hard to imagine that an entire year and more has gone by of being in this place. Though I was hopeful that this would be the month...it isn't and with that comes more sadness. My prayer is that God will answer our prayer in the next couple months, and that this hard time will too come to a close.

The end of 2011 also brought to light many burdens for family members that are in hard and really bad places. It definitely puts things in perspective in light of all we are going through. Regan and I returned from vacation with heavy hearts and a burden to pray for our families and the situations they are in. That coupled with our own situations has really pressed hard on us. I pray that I see that as the thumb of the Lord pressing on us, but sometimes, I just really pray to be released from this!

Our house has to be the main blessing and example of God's provision from 2011. Last Christmas we were in the rental condo and feeling like we would be there forever! In April, the Lord blessed us with a house that exceeded all our expectations. It has been such a sweet place where our friends and family love to come, a place to host our community group, a place of comfort for friends to stay in times of need, and a place that Regan and I love to come home too. There isn't a day that passes where one of us doesn't say how much we love and appreciate our home. We are so grateful for the blessing of this house. The Lord knew that this year of me struggling so much with infertility, I would need a place that felt like a shelter, a place to seek refuge in a way...and He gave that to me in Regan and in this home. My prayer is that the Lord will fill this house...

So, we enter 2012 with heavy hearts.

We are praying for mountain tops in 2012. I am praying that I can look back on this post and see God's hand woven throughout these times. We are praying for answers, praying for a job, and still...

Praying for baby Ellis...

Much love in 2012-
Al