The last couple weeks have been incredibly hectic at work which has in turn, left me very little time to do other things that need to get done...like planning Regan's birthday! I have felt really guilty about not having some grand plan, and really not having the mental capacity to be creative.
Regan and I have been going back and forth all week on what to do, do we cook out?, do just the 2 of us go out?, little group, big group? Every conversation ended the same way, with no idea what to do and no closer to making a decision.
The more I was thinking about it today, the more I realized what the issue was...
Time are changing.
A few months ago, we had a great dinner with a small group of friends. There was dinner and wine, we were laughing, crying, and just enjoying our time.
I think in both Regan's and my heads, that was an evening that we wanted to re-create for his birthday. A small group of close friends, relaxing and just enjoying being together. However, in as little as a few months, everything has drastically changed.
Paying babysitters, babies too young to keep out, and other obligations in life have changed what our lives look like these days even though we don't have a baby yet.
Gone are the days when we can casually throw together a dinner and everyone not worry about getting home to pay the sitter, if they can even come at all.
We don't have a baby yet, but the changes that have occurred in our friends lives, which in turn effects are lives, make us feel like we do have a baby!
It is a hard balance. Part of me wants to automatically seek out other people in our situation, kidless. However, I can't imagine not spending these special occasions, like birthdays, with the people that are closest to us.
So, what do we do?
Have an afternoon party? Who said daytime parties are only for kids?!?
Patiently Praying-
Much Love-
Al
Friday, September 30, 2011
Thursday, September 29, 2011
The Heart of the matter
"I am the thorn in your crown
But You love me anyway
I am the sweat from Your brow
But You love me anyway
I am the nail in Your wrist
But You love me anyway
I am Judas' kiss
But You love me anyway
See now I am the man who yelled out from the crowd
For Your blood to be spilled on this earth shaking ground
Yes then I turned away with a smile on my face
With this sin in my heart, tried to bury Your grace
And then alone in the night I still call out for You
So ashamed of my life, my life, my life
But You love me anyway
Oh God, how You love me
Yes You love me anyway
It's like nothing in life
That I've ever known
Yes You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me"
But You love me anyway
I am the sweat from Your brow
But You love me anyway
I am the nail in Your wrist
But You love me anyway
I am Judas' kiss
But You love me anyway
See now I am the man who yelled out from the crowd
For Your blood to be spilled on this earth shaking ground
Yes then I turned away with a smile on my face
With this sin in my heart, tried to bury Your grace
And then alone in the night I still call out for You
So ashamed of my life, my life, my life
But You love me anyway
Oh God, how You love me
Yes You love me anyway
It's like nothing in life
That I've ever known
Yes You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me"
Regan and I had a meeting with our Pastor yesterday. Just a time to share, check in, and really get to the heart of what is going on in our lives. It was hard, challenging, raw, vulnerable, and so refreshing. We left emotionally drained, yet so full. The relationship we have with our pastor is special and I am so thankful.
There is a lot of processing and thinking yet to come. However, some harsh truth stemmed from the questions he kept digging into yesterday.
I described my most overall emotion in regards to not being pregnant as "frustration."
He asked to examine that closer. "What am I frustrated at?"
The harsh truth, when we got to the heart of the matter?
I am frustrated at God because it seems as though He isn't hearing me, if He did, He would answer...
He goes deeper..."What does that mean?"
If He isn't hearing me, then His promises in scripture must not be true?
Deeper still..."and if His scripture isn't true?"
Than He is a Liar.
"And if He is a Liar, what does that mean?"
That He doesn't love me, so I don't trust in Him to be in control.
Yes.
That is the raw, honest, and ugly truth.
I can stay at the surface of it all and stay frustrated, or I can go deep and be honest with what that frustration means.
It was a really hard realization, yet, one that really needed to be brought to light.
There will be a lot of time spent repenting and working to allow the Lord to show me His beauty and remind me that He does love me.
The song above came on the radio on my drive to work, and the message is something that truly spoke to my heart...
"See now I am the man who yelled out from the crowd
For Your blood to be spilled on this earth shaking ground
Yes then I turned away with a smile on my face
With this sin in my heart, tried to bury Your grace"
For Your blood to be spilled on this earth shaking ground
Yes then I turned away with a smile on my face
With this sin in my heart, tried to bury Your grace"
But YOU loved me anyway...
In the midst of my doubt, my calling him a liar, and my need to control...
He loves me anyway.
Lord, I don't deserve your grace, but I am eternally thankful for your pursuit of my heart.
Humbly and Patiently Praying-
Much Love-
Al
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
To pray like Hannah
My mom sent me a letter yesterday that contained a talk that she had given to some women about 9 years ago. The talk was about trusting God to plan your family and she listed multiple biblical examples of women in the Bible that had suffered from "closed wombs" until the Lord stepped in. My mom and dad themselves struggled with infertility for 5 years before they decided to adopt. After my sister and I were adopted, the Lord opened her womb and she became pregnant with my little sister. It is a story that you hear a lot when you are struggling with infertility.
Hannah has come up a lot lately, including the talk my mom gave. I have never really studied her story in the bible, or paid much attention to her at all for that matter...however, in reading her story, there is great comfort to be found.
It is hard to imagine that women have been struggling with this since the begining of time. When I think about the "olden days" or times past, I tend to think that all women did was have children, like 9 of them! You don't think about women struggling with infertility. Infertility tends to seem more like a modern day issue. However, it isn't...Hannah, Leah, and many others are proof of that.
A couple lesson's stick out to me in 1 Samuel chapter 1...
vs. 8 " Her husband Elkanah would say to her, “Hannah, why are you weeping? Why don’t you eat? Why are you downhearted? Don’t I mean more to you than ten sons?”
I can't tell you how many times Regan has said something like, "I love our family, aren't we enough right now?" He definitely wants children, and we are on the same page with that, however he is such an example to me of trusting God's timing. When he asks or mentions things like the above, I find myself really asking if I do feel that way? Is this enough? We have been so blessed and yet I always want more. Is this family I have now enough?
vs. 10 " In her deep anguish Hannah prayed to the LORD, weeping bitterly. 11 And she made a vow, saying, “LORD Almighty, if you will only look on your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the LORD for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head.”
This verse pretty much sums up a lot of how my prayers look...deep anguish and bitter weeping and pleading with the Lord. A lot of times I feel tempted to bargain with the Lord, "if you would only give me a child, I will ___________." In my desperation, I allow myself to think that the Lord will respond to my promising to act a certain way. I know that this isn't true. The Lord isn't dangling a child over my head like a carrot waiting for me to offer the right wager. But like Hannah above, I cry out in anguish for the Lord to open my womb.
vs. 19 " Early the next morning they arose and worshiped before the LORD and then went back to their home at Ramah. Elkanah made love to his wife Hannah, and the LORD remembered her. 20 So in the course of time Hannah became pregnant and gave birth to a son. She named him Samuel,[b] saying, “Because I asked the LORD for him.”
And finally, the last point that really rings true to my heart is that the Lord remembered Hannah...He did not forget her desperate pleas and in His timing, He opened her womb.
My prayer is that the Lord will remember me and hear my cries, and that I will, like Hannah pray from my heart.
vs. 13 "Hannah was praying in her heart, and her lips were moving but her voice was not heard."
Patiently Praying-
Much Love-
Al
Hannah has come up a lot lately, including the talk my mom gave. I have never really studied her story in the bible, or paid much attention to her at all for that matter...however, in reading her story, there is great comfort to be found.
It is hard to imagine that women have been struggling with this since the begining of time. When I think about the "olden days" or times past, I tend to think that all women did was have children, like 9 of them! You don't think about women struggling with infertility. Infertility tends to seem more like a modern day issue. However, it isn't...Hannah, Leah, and many others are proof of that.
A couple lesson's stick out to me in 1 Samuel chapter 1...
vs. 8 " Her husband Elkanah would say to her, “Hannah, why are you weeping? Why don’t you eat? Why are you downhearted? Don’t I mean more to you than ten sons?”
I can't tell you how many times Regan has said something like, "I love our family, aren't we enough right now?" He definitely wants children, and we are on the same page with that, however he is such an example to me of trusting God's timing. When he asks or mentions things like the above, I find myself really asking if I do feel that way? Is this enough? We have been so blessed and yet I always want more. Is this family I have now enough?
vs. 10 " In her deep anguish Hannah prayed to the LORD, weeping bitterly. 11 And she made a vow, saying, “LORD Almighty, if you will only look on your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the LORD for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head.”
This verse pretty much sums up a lot of how my prayers look...deep anguish and bitter weeping and pleading with the Lord. A lot of times I feel tempted to bargain with the Lord, "if you would only give me a child, I will ___________." In my desperation, I allow myself to think that the Lord will respond to my promising to act a certain way. I know that this isn't true. The Lord isn't dangling a child over my head like a carrot waiting for me to offer the right wager. But like Hannah above, I cry out in anguish for the Lord to open my womb.
vs. 19 " Early the next morning they arose and worshiped before the LORD and then went back to their home at Ramah. Elkanah made love to his wife Hannah, and the LORD remembered her. 20 So in the course of time Hannah became pregnant and gave birth to a son. She named him Samuel,[b] saying, “Because I asked the LORD for him.”
And finally, the last point that really rings true to my heart is that the Lord remembered Hannah...He did not forget her desperate pleas and in His timing, He opened her womb.
My prayer is that the Lord will remember me and hear my cries, and that I will, like Hannah pray from my heart.
vs. 13 "Hannah was praying in her heart, and her lips were moving but her voice was not heard."
Patiently Praying-
Much Love-
Al
Monday, September 26, 2011
Talitha koum!
"After He put them all out, He
took her by the hand and said to her, “Talitha
koum!” (which means “Little girl, I say to you, get up!”). There
are circumstances and situations in the natural that seem dead and hopeless. We
may find ourselves saying, “How can I arise? Everything is dead in me. There’s
nothing left.” That’s where God’s hand come in. He doesn’t just leave it to
you."
This
was in a devotion I read this morning that was sent to me over the
weekend. I have been wrestling a lot lately with the concept of "my
portrait" vs. the "Lord's portrait". I thought that I had learned this
lesson long ago, but I guess I was wrong.
I am constantly confronted with questions and thoughts in my mind, that if I allow them, will send my into a downward spiral.
For
a long time, I have had a vision of what my life looked like. I long to
be a mom to not one, but many children. I long stay at home, to raise
and nurture them, to volunteer in their schools, to walk beside them as
they grow. Those are the desires of my heart.
However,
if I dwell too much on the details, I begin to question rather this is
even a possibility anymore. I begin to believe the lies...I am too old
for this to happen, what if I never get pregnant, or it takes years to
figure out how our family will look?
Like the quote above, at most times, it really seems like there is nothing left in me, the hope is dead.
But
the quote continues, that that is what I am working to focus on. The
Lord's hand comes in. He doesn't leave me. He calls me to get up. To not
give into the fear that holds me captive. I have literally felt lately
and found myself praying that the Lord will carry me through this time. I
am at a place where I don't even feel like I can walk through it
anymore.
I
know that the Lord calls me to lay my portrait down and allow him to be
the painter. To release my plans into His. To allow him to complete the
picture that He started so long ago...
I
dozed off yesterday afternoon with my friends 3 week old sleeping on my
chest and I couldn't help but feel that this is what I was created
for. My heart ached and longed for a child of my own.
Lord, please carry me. I am grasping for your hand.
Patiently Praying-
Much love-
Al
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Sisters...
If you don't have them, you don't understand. To be known fully and loved despite, isn't something that comes from everyone...and thankfully it does come from my sister.
I went to bed last night with the email from my older sister waiting in my inbox. I decided that I would wait until today to read it. It is almost like she was in my heart. Like she had woken up with me today...in this new place I found myself.
Like I said yesterday, I got my period, the cycle continues. I mentioned to Regan last night, I don't know how much longer I can ride this roller coaster. I know the Lord doesn't give us more than we can handle, but I honestly feel like I am almost at my limit.
However, as with every roller coaster, or every cycle, there is a place of hope a peak. I think that day comes every month after the sadness of getting my period fades. It is a new month, there is a new chance, we are starting over.
That is why the email that my sister sent to me spoke to my soul.
Click here to read!
I have hope buried deep in the depths of my heart. I know it is there, though sometimes I doubt.
God is working in the waiting, and for that reason, I remain hopeful.
Patiently Praying-
Much Love-
Al
I went to bed last night with the email from my older sister waiting in my inbox. I decided that I would wait until today to read it. It is almost like she was in my heart. Like she had woken up with me today...in this new place I found myself.
Like I said yesterday, I got my period, the cycle continues. I mentioned to Regan last night, I don't know how much longer I can ride this roller coaster. I know the Lord doesn't give us more than we can handle, but I honestly feel like I am almost at my limit.
However, as with every roller coaster, or every cycle, there is a place of hope a peak. I think that day comes every month after the sadness of getting my period fades. It is a new month, there is a new chance, we are starting over.
That is why the email that my sister sent to me spoke to my soul.
Click here to read!
I have hope buried deep in the depths of my heart. I know it is there, though sometimes I doubt.
God is working in the waiting, and for that reason, I remain hopeful.
Patiently Praying-
Much Love-
Al
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Another Month...
"Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
18 yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
18 yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.
19 The Sovereign LORD is my strength;
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
he enables me to tread on the heights"
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
he enables me to tread on the heights"
Habakkuk 3:17-19
And another month goes by...
Lord, hear my cry.
Patiently Praying-
Much Love-
Al
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Sweet Relief...or something like that
Being busy at work has given my mind the ability to be some what free from the thoughts that are plaguing it lately. Hence, the silence on the blog.
We were asked a question in our small group the other night about where we allow our imagination to go when it is not being bombarded by the busyness of our daily life. I took a long time to think and reflect on what the answer to that question may be....
I am sad to report, that I never let my mind really wonder, because I am scared of where it will go if I do.
I am a slave to busyness as a distraction.
I am an over comitter.
I live in denial.
And I am tired.
I fully recognize why I do what I do...now I just need to change it.
When I start to be honest, once again, with how I am feeling. I am sure this blog will overflow with post. I walk a thin line of allowing myself to be hopeful internally and expressing that out loud. It is hard to remain hopeful for things when month after month I am let down. I know that my hope is in the Lord and that He will never let me down...however....the above still remains true.
Until then, it has been kinda nice to allow myself some "away time" however false that may be.
Patiently Praying-
Much Love-
Al
We were asked a question in our small group the other night about where we allow our imagination to go when it is not being bombarded by the busyness of our daily life. I took a long time to think and reflect on what the answer to that question may be....
I am sad to report, that I never let my mind really wonder, because I am scared of where it will go if I do.
I am a slave to busyness as a distraction.
I am an over comitter.
I live in denial.
And I am tired.
I fully recognize why I do what I do...now I just need to change it.
When I start to be honest, once again, with how I am feeling. I am sure this blog will overflow with post. I walk a thin line of allowing myself to be hopeful internally and expressing that out loud. It is hard to remain hopeful for things when month after month I am let down. I know that my hope is in the Lord and that He will never let me down...however....the above still remains true.
Until then, it has been kinda nice to allow myself some "away time" however false that may be.
Patiently Praying-
Much Love-
Al
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Another song post
We sang the song "When you are not enough" by Thad Cockrell and Matt Stevens in church this past Sunday. If you haven't heard this song, read the lyrics and listen below.
My prayer is that the Lord will give me wisdom and faith. That the Lord will be enough.
My prayer is that the Lord will give me wisdom and faith. That the Lord will be enough.
When You are Not Enough
(click here to listen)
When you are not enough
I see the pleasures of this world
When you are not enough
My hope is lost
When you are not enough
Joy cannot be found
When you are not enough
(click here to listen)
When you are not enough
I see the pleasures of this world
When you are not enough
My hope is lost
When you are not enough
Joy cannot be found
When you are not enough
Please Lord
Break my heart
When you are not enough
I carry all my guilt and shame
When you are not enough
I cannot pay
When you are not enough
I’d like to think I’ve learned by now
When you are not enough
Please Lord
Break my heart
Please Lord
Change my heart
When you are not enough
We trade your beauty for a lie
When you are not enough
Nothing satisfies
When you are not enough
Your joy is always out of reach
When you are not enough
Please Lord
Break my heart
Please Lord
Change my heart
Grant us Mercy Grant us Grace
Grant us Wisdom Grant us Faith
Grant us Mercy Grant us Grace
Grant us Wisdom Grant us Faith
Grant us Mercy Grant us Grace
Grant us Wisdom Grant us Faith
Grant us Mercy Grant us Grace
Grant us Wisdom Grant us Faith
Grant us Mercy Grant us Grace
Grant us Wisdom Grant us Faith
Please Lord Break my Heart
Please Lord Change my Heart
Break my heart
When you are not enough
I carry all my guilt and shame
When you are not enough
I cannot pay
When you are not enough
I’d like to think I’ve learned by now
When you are not enough
Please Lord
Break my heart
Please Lord
Change my heart
When you are not enough
We trade your beauty for a lie
When you are not enough
Nothing satisfies
When you are not enough
Your joy is always out of reach
When you are not enough
Please Lord
Break my heart
Please Lord
Change my heart
Grant us Mercy Grant us Grace
Grant us Wisdom Grant us Faith
Grant us Mercy Grant us Grace
Grant us Wisdom Grant us Faith
Grant us Mercy Grant us Grace
Grant us Wisdom Grant us Faith
Grant us Mercy Grant us Grace
Grant us Wisdom Grant us Faith
Grant us Mercy Grant us Grace
Grant us Wisdom Grant us Faith
Please Lord Break my Heart
Please Lord Change my Heart
Words and Music by Thad Cockrell and Matt Stevens
Patiently and specifically praying for Baby Ellis...
Much love-
Al
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Making Room
So, as earlier discussed, my sister-in-law(SIL) is pregnant with her 2nd baby. A few months back, they started talking about needing to make room in their house for their oldest to have his big boy room, so the new one could take over the nursery. The original plan was to store all their un-needed furniture in Chattanooga, where grandaddy M lives. Well, something happened with that plan, and Regan and I decided that, since we were blessed with the space, they could store all their furniture in our basement. When the decision was made, it was simple, we have the room, let's help them out.
Then moving day came.
I was heading home from my acupuncture appointment and talking to Regan who was on his way to help brother-in-law (BIL) pack up the cars and bring their stuff to our house. That is when the change occurred.
It was very subtle, I honestly didn't even see the change happen. I did however, see the results. Mean, irritable, sad.
Then it hit me. I started to think about why I was feeling this way while I fervently worked on dinner. We were making room for someone else's baby. I want to be making preparations for my own baby, instead, we are making room for SIL's baby #2.
It is those times that you realize the depth of what is going on. It isn't just the multiple baby announcements at work, the bellies everywhere, or the newborns. It is in the simple things, like moving a bed into our basement. The bed represents so much more, it represents what I so deeply long for, and the realization that there is no need to make room for that in our life right now. It represents the guest room that is waiting upstairs and is empty.
After admitting that these feelings were bothering me, and apologizing for how I reacted. I felt much better.
The learning process of this life in waiting continues.
Patiently Praying for Baby Ellis-
Much Love-
Al
Then moving day came.
I was heading home from my acupuncture appointment and talking to Regan who was on his way to help brother-in-law (BIL) pack up the cars and bring their stuff to our house. That is when the change occurred.
It was very subtle, I honestly didn't even see the change happen. I did however, see the results. Mean, irritable, sad.
Then it hit me. I started to think about why I was feeling this way while I fervently worked on dinner. We were making room for someone else's baby. I want to be making preparations for my own baby, instead, we are making room for SIL's baby #2.
It is those times that you realize the depth of what is going on. It isn't just the multiple baby announcements at work, the bellies everywhere, or the newborns. It is in the simple things, like moving a bed into our basement. The bed represents so much more, it represents what I so deeply long for, and the realization that there is no need to make room for that in our life right now. It represents the guest room that is waiting upstairs and is empty.
After admitting that these feelings were bothering me, and apologizing for how I reacted. I felt much better.
The learning process of this life in waiting continues.
Patiently Praying for Baby Ellis-
Much Love-
Al
Monday, September 12, 2011
God is faithful
I knew a lot of "baby" time awaited me this weekend. My close friend was back from Africa with her new baby, and my other friend was having a hard time adjusting to motherhood. It was unavoidable.
God's faithfulness, however, is not avoidable. And for that, I am very grateful. He totally showed up when I needed him most. He gave me the strength to listen to "how hard it is to be a mom", to comments about "missing work and missing life". He gave me the strength to hold and love on these babies. To listen to the stories. To rejoice in the miracle of new life.
He has showed up every.single.time. He has given me the strength to tell all my co-workers daily updates on the new baby, to listen to them tell me their birth stories, because for some reason, it helps them relate to me updating them on my friend.
He is faithful, even when I don't have the strength to maintain the faith.
I was recently given a book called "What Women Fear" by Angie Smith.
Knowing the story about the author, made me extra excited to dig in to this book, and the book does not disappoint. I am only on the 3rd chapter, but already, am so excited to finish it. What I love about this book is that it takes common, every day fears that women struggle with like being abandoned, ridiculed, left out, not good enough, etc., and relates those to stories in the bible where people like Hagar and Leah struggled with the SAME THING! It is truly amazing to realize that no matter what the time, the issues are the same. The book is such a great reminder of God's faithfulness and His answers to all the feelings that we have...and most of those feelings have an underlying theme of fear.
Run, don't walk, to get this book: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-women-fear-angie-smith/1101871710. You won't regret it.
God is faithful. I am taking my imperfect attempts at having faith and laying them at the feet of Jesus and asking Him to do the rest. To meet me where I am. To fill my cup.
Patiently and Specifically Praying for a baby we will name Ellis-
Much Love-
Al
God's faithfulness, however, is not avoidable. And for that, I am very grateful. He totally showed up when I needed him most. He gave me the strength to listen to "how hard it is to be a mom", to comments about "missing work and missing life". He gave me the strength to hold and love on these babies. To listen to the stories. To rejoice in the miracle of new life.
He has showed up every.single.time. He has given me the strength to tell all my co-workers daily updates on the new baby, to listen to them tell me their birth stories, because for some reason, it helps them relate to me updating them on my friend.
He is faithful, even when I don't have the strength to maintain the faith.
I was recently given a book called "What Women Fear" by Angie Smith.
Knowing the story about the author, made me extra excited to dig in to this book, and the book does not disappoint. I am only on the 3rd chapter, but already, am so excited to finish it. What I love about this book is that it takes common, every day fears that women struggle with like being abandoned, ridiculed, left out, not good enough, etc., and relates those to stories in the bible where people like Hagar and Leah struggled with the SAME THING! It is truly amazing to realize that no matter what the time, the issues are the same. The book is such a great reminder of God's faithfulness and His answers to all the feelings that we have...and most of those feelings have an underlying theme of fear.
Run, don't walk, to get this book: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-women-fear-angie-smith/1101871710. You won't regret it.
God is faithful. I am taking my imperfect attempts at having faith and laying them at the feet of Jesus and asking Him to do the rest. To meet me where I am. To fill my cup.
Patiently and Specifically Praying for a baby we will name Ellis-
Much Love-
Al
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