I have been talking a lot lately about God using people to fill the gap for me. A dear friend sent me this blog this morning, and well, this blogger sums it up quite perfectly actually!
http://angiesmithonline.com/2012/02/baros/
If you have a sec, I would suggest that you read it. It is biblical, there are some burdens that are meant to be shared, and God places special people on your journey to do just that. I am so grateful.
In regards to how I am doing? Well, thanks for asking! ha. It is once again THAT week of the month. The week where you evaluate every pain, ache, cramp, temperature drop, tint in my pee, and well...everything else! I am 99.2 % positive that I am starting my period, but until that happens, there is always this glimmer of hope...buried deep down in my heart. Hope that I am wrong. Hope that this is my month. Hope that God has opened my womb and performed a miracle. I can't fight the hope, but it is also that hope that allows for such a great disappointment!
So, with that being said, the question I have been thinking about is what's next? This is my third month on Femara, a fertility medicine, that the doctor said I could take for 3-4 months. Regan and I have started to pray for discernment and wisdom as to what that looks like. If you think about it, we would appreciate you joining us on those prayers.
The way we see it, there are pretty much two options.
1. Pursue the fertility clinic for more extensive testing. To see if there is something going on that the general test the OBGYN administered didn't pick up on. They have told me from the beginning that they think I am a good candidate for IUI. So these test would potentially lead to pursuing that option.
2. Start the adoption process.
I don't know what the answers will be to what's next. I honestly, just want a baby. I was holding a friends baby the other night and just had this overwhelming feeling of "this is what I am made for." I probably could have cried. I long for that.
So...here we are. Still patiently praying and begging for a baby, and also begging for some direction.
Much Love-
Al
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Swirling...
My mind is swirling right now with temperatures that aren't doing what I think they should be doing, ovulation test, and just things that are out of my control. I am working, to accept this place where the Lord has me. The sermon at church on Sunday was all about the truth of when you honestly accept the place where the Lord has you, no matter how hard that place is, you are able to step into other peoples joys because you are completely confident and peaceful in the fact that the Lord is in control. Our pastor challenged us to daily pray for the peace that comes from knowing that God has you right where He wants you. That is a hard thing to do.
Most recently, I have not been able to do that, instead, I was totally self consumed and selfish...it reeked havoc and left a trail of sadness and hurt. I have seen the opposite of what our Pastor was talking about above, and honestly, I don't ever want to see it again. I have been incapable of walking into someones joy because I was consumed by my own sadness and not accepting of this place that God has me. As I have said before, there is a lot of learning that is involved in this time of my life, and unfortunately, it hasn't looked pretty all the time. I am still deeply saddened by how I acted. Sad about a missed opportunity to rejoice with my best friend, sad about knowing that I hurt her, and just plain sad. So, I am praying to be different. Praying each morning to accept this place that the Lord has me...
In the mean time, I am wearing this to serve as a reminder...it arrived yesterday from another dear, dear friend with a simple note. "The primrose is one of the first flowers to signify spring’s awakening. Representing the courage it takes to be bold in the face of difficult conditions, the primrose is also consistently graceful and delicate. It is a reminder that grace under pressure is the ultimate indicator of character." She went on to say, this bracelet should serve as a reminder of the One true place where Grace comes from...
Again, the Lord has showed His grace and Mercy, and used people closest to me to daily remind me of that. This journey and this load has been made lighter because of the people God has placed in my life and I am forever grateful. I will wear this bracelet daily and not only be reminded of God's grace, but also of the person that sent it and the knowledge that I am not alone in this.
To my other dear friend I mentioned above, words can't describe how deeply sorry I am for missing my opportunity to step into the place where God has you and join your in rejoicing.
Patiently praying...
Much Love-
Al
Most recently, I have not been able to do that, instead, I was totally self consumed and selfish...it reeked havoc and left a trail of sadness and hurt. I have seen the opposite of what our Pastor was talking about above, and honestly, I don't ever want to see it again. I have been incapable of walking into someones joy because I was consumed by my own sadness and not accepting of this place that God has me. As I have said before, there is a lot of learning that is involved in this time of my life, and unfortunately, it hasn't looked pretty all the time. I am still deeply saddened by how I acted. Sad about a missed opportunity to rejoice with my best friend, sad about knowing that I hurt her, and just plain sad. So, I am praying to be different. Praying each morning to accept this place that the Lord has me...
In the mean time, I am wearing this to serve as a reminder...it arrived yesterday from another dear, dear friend with a simple note. "The primrose is one of the first flowers to signify spring’s awakening. Representing the courage it takes to be bold in the face of difficult conditions, the primrose is also consistently graceful and delicate. It is a reminder that grace under pressure is the ultimate indicator of character." She went on to say, this bracelet should serve as a reminder of the One true place where Grace comes from...
Again, the Lord has showed His grace and Mercy, and used people closest to me to daily remind me of that. This journey and this load has been made lighter because of the people God has placed in my life and I am forever grateful. I will wear this bracelet daily and not only be reminded of God's grace, but also of the person that sent it and the knowledge that I am not alone in this.
To my other dear friend I mentioned above, words can't describe how deeply sorry I am for missing my opportunity to step into the place where God has you and join your in rejoicing.
Patiently praying...
Much Love-
Al
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
A simple note...
Servant Song
Will you let me be your servant
Let me be as Christ to you
Pray that I might have the grace
To let me be your servant too
We are pilgrims on the journey
We are brothers on the road
We are here to help each other
Walk the mile and bear the load
I will hold the Christ light for you
In the night time of your fear
I will hold my hand out to you
Speak the the peace you long to hear.
I will weep when you are weeping
When you laugh, I'll laugh with you
I will share your joy and sorrow
Till we've seen this journey through.
When we sing to God in heaven
We shall find such harmony
Born to all we've known together
Of Christ's love and agony
I received a note from a dear friend this past week. In it, were the lyrics above, to a hymn that I have never heard before. She simply wrote that every time they sing this song in church she thinks of me. The note now holds a permanent place on my dresser and serves as such a sweet reminder that the Lord really does give you people to hold your hand, speak truth, weep and laugh with you.
God has definitely known what I have needed these past couple weeks, and through emails, notes, and text, I have been constantly reminded that He has not forgotten about me.
To my dear, dear friend...you know who you are, thank you for being a tool God used to remind me of His presence.
Patiently Praying-
Much Love-
Al
Let me be as Christ to you
Pray that I might have the grace
To let me be your servant too
We are pilgrims on the journey
We are brothers on the road
We are here to help each other
Walk the mile and bear the load
I will hold the Christ light for you
In the night time of your fear
I will hold my hand out to you
Speak the the peace you long to hear.
I will weep when you are weeping
When you laugh, I'll laugh with you
I will share your joy and sorrow
Till we've seen this journey through.
When we sing to God in heaven
We shall find such harmony
Born to all we've known together
Of Christ's love and agony
I received a note from a dear friend this past week. In it, were the lyrics above, to a hymn that I have never heard before. She simply wrote that every time they sing this song in church she thinks of me. The note now holds a permanent place on my dresser and serves as such a sweet reminder that the Lord really does give you people to hold your hand, speak truth, weep and laugh with you.
God has definitely known what I have needed these past couple weeks, and through emails, notes, and text, I have been constantly reminded that He has not forgotten about me.
To my dear, dear friend...you know who you are, thank you for being a tool God used to remind me of His presence.
Patiently Praying-
Much Love-
Al
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
V- Day
To My Lover...
The one who loves me enough
to allow me the freedom to just
"Be".
Regardless of what that looks like.
The one who has loved me through
the deepest pain of this last 18 months
wiped my tears
carried me when I couldn't walk
reminded me of truth
and just let me...
"Be".
To the one that makes me laugh,
makes up songs every morning,
teaches me to relax and enjoy life,
and allows me to just...
"Be".
My lover, the one that still chooses Me...
Even when the Me I am today,
doesn't look like the Me I was before...
and he still, let's me just...
"Be".
My Lover.
Being me has looked very different these last 18 months through this journey of infertility.
I wouldn't be where I am today without Regan.
I would choose no one else to walk this journey with.
The Lord knew the kind of man I would need, for right now, and for forever.
Much love to my Best Friend...
Who will make the best daddy there ever was.
Love-
Al
Monday, February 13, 2012
Tears...
His compassion...
“You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.” (Psalm 56:8, NLT)
“You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.” (Psalm 56:8, NLT)
Have
you ever stopped to consider that God is keeping track of all your sorrows? He knows each one of them. He has
seen you cry until you can’t cry any more. He has seen your tears when you have cried all alone in the dark,
not sure of where to turn or where to go. He has recorded each one in His book
and collected your tears in the bottle He has just for you. How precious you
are to Him!
This is straight from an email devotional that I get every morning and is so timely...
God knows my tears and hears my cries...
Praying.
Much Love-
Al
This is straight from an email devotional that I get every morning and is so timely...
God knows my tears and hears my cries...
Praying.
Much Love-
Al
Friday, February 10, 2012
Where is the rest?
Isaiah 30:15
This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says:
“In repentance and rest is your salvation,
in quietness and trust is your strength,
but you would have none of it.
This verse was in the devotional that Regan and I attempt to do every morning.
This pretty much sums up the feelings I am wrestling with right now.
As of late, the peace I was feeling, has vanished and I have been left with the wrangling of thoughts in my head. These thoughts, though I don't verbalize them as often as I think them, have gone as far as to permeate my dreams. I have been edgy with Regan, and honestly just in a foul mood.
I woke up this morning having had a dream that was overrun with babies, kids, friends with tons of kids, etc. For me, that is a true indication that my mind is just overloaded. I never remember my dreams, and this is the second night in a row where I have dreamt of all things baby.
"In quietness and trust is your strength...but you would have none of it..."
I don't know what has triggered this unrest. This spurt of anxiety and absolute consumption...
All I know is that I so desperately want to have a baby, it is controlling my thoughts every minute of every day...and in that, there has been no quietness.
Regan reminded me this morning that so many of our friends are praying for us right now...and honestly, that is a good thing. To be carried by ones that love us and have chosen to step into the struggle with us...
because at this time, I can't find the quietness myself. I can't find the rest, I can't find the peace.
Thanks for praying on my behalf for baby Ellis...
Much Love-
Al
This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says:
“In repentance and rest is your salvation,
in quietness and trust is your strength,
but you would have none of it.
This verse was in the devotional that Regan and I attempt to do every morning.
This pretty much sums up the feelings I am wrestling with right now.
As of late, the peace I was feeling, has vanished and I have been left with the wrangling of thoughts in my head. These thoughts, though I don't verbalize them as often as I think them, have gone as far as to permeate my dreams. I have been edgy with Regan, and honestly just in a foul mood.
I woke up this morning having had a dream that was overrun with babies, kids, friends with tons of kids, etc. For me, that is a true indication that my mind is just overloaded. I never remember my dreams, and this is the second night in a row where I have dreamt of all things baby.
"In quietness and trust is your strength...but you would have none of it..."
I don't know what has triggered this unrest. This spurt of anxiety and absolute consumption...
All I know is that I so desperately want to have a baby, it is controlling my thoughts every minute of every day...and in that, there has been no quietness.
Regan reminded me this morning that so many of our friends are praying for us right now...and honestly, that is a good thing. To be carried by ones that love us and have chosen to step into the struggle with us...
because at this time, I can't find the quietness myself. I can't find the rest, I can't find the peace.
Thanks for praying on my behalf for baby Ellis...
Much Love-
Al
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
inspiration
So much has gone on this past month, that I have been taking some time to just take a deep breath...
I will be back to explain...
Until then...
Patiently Praying for baby Ellis...
Much love-
Al
I will be back to explain...
Until then...
 |
Patiently Praying for baby Ellis...
Much love-
Al
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
another month...
Spotting.
Devastated.
Right now I am just praying, not necessarily patiently.
Much Love-
Al
Devastated.
Right now I am just praying, not necessarily patiently.
Much Love-
Al
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