It's in the little things

When you think about being in the midst of a hard time, most of what you do, see, and feel seems really negative. I have talked on here before about finding joy in the midst of this place that I find myself. Recently, after meeting with our pastor, I have been praying that God would show me His love. That I would see Him in the little things.

I write a lot about the hardship. I know that God blesses me daily, but a lot of times, those blessings seem to fall into "other" categories in my life...and not into this hardship! I know that the truth is, this struggle in itself is a blessing, however, it doesn't always feel that way.

For as much as I talk about the struggle, I also want to share in the blessing...as little as it may be.

This morning, the Lord showed me His love...in a small, but true way.

As you know, I have been following my "cycle" for over a year. My month is broken down into days. Yes, obsessive I know, but it is the truth. I am heading out of town this coming week for just one day, but knowing the days of my cycle, I knew that the one day would fall right in the midst of the "important" time...if you know what I mean! I have been praying, since I realized this, that the Lord would give me peace. That I would trust, that regardless of what day I was gone, the Lord could still work. That He is in control.

Based on how the last few months have gone, I should have gotten my positive ovulation test on either Saturday or Sunday. However, low and behold, I got it this morning. I know it only seems like 1 day early...but it isn't just that! The ONE day that I am early, means that being gone won't effect this month at all. It might seem really little and irrelevant to the average reader, but to me, it isn't little at all.

God answered my prayers, not by giving me a positive ovulation test, but by showing me His love. I was praying for His peace and a deeper trust...and in that, He totally took care of the situation. He showed me that He is in control, and instead of just giving me the peace, He also took care of the situation.

I am so grateful that He has given me the eyes to see His hand in this. It is such a great reminder, and something to cling to when I am doubting.

Patiently Praying...

Much Love-
Al

Too busy to think...

Busyness can be good, and it can be bad. In this case, it leaves me really no time to think! Which could be really good.

It also means that I am feeling some what disconnected from the Lord.

Not good.

Is the busyness a self inflicted distraction? Or is it unavoidable? I don't really know!

Hopefully rest is coming, because until I get some sleep, some downtime, and some time to think...

Well, I am just edgy!

Which isn't a good thing!

Regardless of how busy I am.

We are still...

Patiently Praying-

Much Love-
Al

Lunch Table Talk!

From my lunch table today...

" How old are you?" a 2nd grader ask.

" Guess" ...I reply...

"35", "24", and other answers are shouted out!

" 33" I respond.

" I wouldn't put you a day past 24" says one of my 2nd graders! "You look good for your age."

ahhhh....

Love the honestly of children.

Patiently Praying-

Much love-
Al

Sharing the pain...

I will go before you and will level the mountains; I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. I will give you hidden treasured, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, who summons you by name." Isaiah 45:2-3

I have become more open about this place I have found myself lately. I have been honest about the struggle, the roller coaster of emotions, and the sadness. I have found, that through sharing the pain, comes the opportunity to not only let people into the journey, but give them the opportunity to encourage and comfort.

I received the verse above from a friend I love deeply this morning. It was attached to a short note that she was thinking about me and hoping that this verse would be what it has been to her, a source of encouragement.
Allowing people into this struggle with me has been hard, somewhat humiliating, raw, vulnerable, and sometimes hurtful. I have said the wrong things, over shared, and cried...a lot. However, the opposite of that, not allowing people into the struggle leads to the same things...self humiliation, hurt, and rawness! The difference is, that when you are going at it alone, there is no source of encouragement there. Yes, you always have the Lord...but you don't have the people to come along side of you and remind you of the truth. There is something to be said for not feeling a lone in this struggle, and it is a lesson that I am learning more and more each day. 

Sharing in the pain, allows you to rejoice with others in the healing...ultimately pointing them to the One true Healer...the one who calls me by name.

Patiently Praying-

Much Love-

Al

A year later...

I remember last October, as I was working to plan our annual trip to Oxford, MS. It is a weekend that I always look forward too. Good times with great friends that we only get to see a couple times a year. It is an annual tradition and one that we wouldn't want to miss. It is also a time when we are surrounded by all of Regan's great friends from college and their families... babies galore!

I remember last year, working to plan our annual trip to Oxford, MS and wanting to be pregnant.

This week, I am planning our annual trip to Oxford, MS and wishing I was pregnant.

Over a year later and I am still in the same place.

It is hard to imagine really.

A year that has seemed so slow in regards to this infertility, yet so fast in regards to life in general.

I can definitely admit that I am not nearly as excited to head down south this year as in past years.

My prayer for this weekend is that I will find joy in friend's families, that I will find peace in this place where I am, and that Regan and I will find comfort in being around people that love us where we are.

Patiently Praying-

Much Love-
Al

He alone is God...

He is before all things and in Him all things hold together. Col. 1:17


Me getting my period was not a surprise to Him.

My prayer as I drove to work this morning...

That I would feel and see the depth of God's love for me in the midst of this like I have never before. That God would reveal Himself and the vastness of His love for me in an obvious way. That I will not doubt, that this too, is a part of His ultimate plan.

I lay this at your feet Heavenly Father. I pray that your love pours down on me. That I will bask in the fullness of your love that only comes from knowing You. I want to know you Lord in a real way. I want to feel your presence, I want to rejoice in the suffering. 


My prayer is that I will fully know the depth of Your love for me, and in turn recognize the depth of Your grace that you pour out onto me. You alone are God, and You alone are worthy of praise.


Patiently Praying-

Much Love-
Al

Tis' the season...Not Christmas!

"When hope is infinitesimal, that God may increase it, and when hope is deadened, that God may enliven it, and when hope is craved that it may be found in Christ alone.


How in the world can the hurt produce hope? Simply: Lean into the Lord and His heart absorbs the hurt and the hope of forever with Him, this is what heals.


Even when we’ve buried pain deep, refused to expose it, and the gnawing about wears us through, us with no hope for the fruit — there’s a Gardner and there’s a miracle and there’s redemption in the barren places."
http://www.aholyexperience.com/2011/10/why-you-need-to-keep-on-hoping/

We were talking in our small group leaders meeting last night about seasons and remaining in the Lord. Remaining in the Lord through ALL of those seasons.

¹ "Blessed is the one
   who does not walk in step with the wicked
or stand in the way that sinners take
   or sit in the company of mockers,
² but whose delight is in the law of the LORD,
   and who meditates on his law day and night.
³ That person is like a tree planted by streams of water,
   which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither—
   whatever they do prospers.  "
Psalm 1: 1-3


I was really encouraged when I read the passage I posted above from A Holy Experience blog...such a great reminder that God is still working in the midst of what seems like a very stagnate season. The line that says, there is "redemption in the barren places" resonates so deep, for so many reasons.


As I have been journaling through out this process, I heard from the Lord and He told me that He had a baby for me. He promised that He is in this...

However, something has gotten in the way in the midst of the waiting...

"what lies below a surface of a life, tunneling, gnawing, eating us up.
About exposing what needs to be exposed in our lives … because what’s buried deep can kill the fruit.. About dying a slow death."

I have a promise from the Lord.


Yet in the midst of waiting, in the midst of me saying I want it now, He has revealed to me the lies that are buried deep. The lies that are killing the fruit.

My joy is bound up, but it has been bound up in something other than the Lord. I have convinced myself that the joy is bound up in having a baby, and since there is no baby, there is no joy.

"Even when we’ve buried pain deep, refused to expose it, and the gnawing about wears us through, us with no hope for the fruit — there’s a Gardner and there’s a miracle and there’s redemption in the barren places."

God is working in the barren places...oh so literally and figuratively.

I crave hope...and my prayer is...

 when hope is craved that it may be found in Christ alone.


I am thankful that God is working in this season, and I am working on remaining in His infinite love.


He calls me His beloved, and I am written on His hands.

Patiently Praying-

Much Love-
Al

There will come a day...

Just a great reminder from Naptime Diaries. The troubles of this world are fleeting and oh so temporary in the grand scheme of things! We will look back and this life will be but a blip. Hard to imagine, but so true. 

Jesus Calling this morning was about rejoicing (we are not on the correct date if you are reading it :)) in the midst of all circumstances and not convincing yourself that your happiness lies in circumstances of the future... ie, new job, new house, etc. Such truth in that. My prayer lately has been that I will see God's beauty. That He will give me His eyes. That I will feel His presence in everything. 

There will come a time when there is no more crying and no more pain. However, I am choosing now to believe that with pain comes growth. Pain reminds you that you are alive and that God is working. Through pain comes the ability to rejoice upon healing. Without pain, we would need no Savior. 

"We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying, a scar means I survived. - Chris Cleave The Little Bee

The scars of life, circumstances, and past hurts...are gentle reminders that healing has occurred and that I am alive! There will come a time when there will be no more pain and no more scars, we will be face to face with the Healer...

Until then, I will rejoice in the fact that He knows my pain and tears. That He has me in this place for this moment...and I will seek His joy. His promises are true...and until there is a day with no more tears, I will run toward the only One who can truly wipe them away.

Revelation 21

Acu-to the-puncture

All the worrying was for not...As my husband would say. No big pregnancy bomb was dropped yesterday. Just a sweet God ordained time of sharing some really difficult places we are both in. Thank you Lord for opening my eyes to the little things...

On another note, just a little update on how acupuncture is going...

I have officially completed 1 full month of going on a weekly basis, therefore, having gone through one complete "cycle." In case you didn't know, when you are trying to have a baby, your life starts to be defined by your cycle. Pre-ovulation, Ovulation, Potential implantation, Period. Those are the phases. Well, at least mine, that is!

The main difference to be noted so far would be the lack of all symptoms surrounding my period.

Prior to starting acupuncture, I spotted, had cramps, headaches, PMS, and bloating.

This past month, I didn't even know when my period was going to start because I didn't get any of the aforementioned symptoms. I kept waiting and waiting for the spotting to come, it never did, nor did the bad attitude, the cramps, or the bloating.

On one hand, the lack of symptoms was really nice, on the other, it is also kinda nice to be prepared to start your period, especially when you are trying to have a baby! Any change in the norm can lead you down a rabbit trail of "what ifs".

As the second cycle approaches, I have also noticed that the last 2 months, I have gotten the positive on the ovulation test the exact same day. So really, it just seems like things are balancing out.

It should also be mentioned that she does have me taking a more complete prenatal vitamin as well as some herbs. So, in all honesty, those could also play into the change.

However, a month in, that is the noticeable difference.

The best thing to come out of acupuncture yet would honestly be the quiet and prayerful hour that is now built into my schedule on a weekly basis. My hour in the chair has definitely become dedicated to sitting at the feet of Jesus, and bringing him the cries of my heart. Not just for myself, but for those I am surrounded by.

Patiently Praying-

Much Love-
Al

The land of crazy...

"Did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed this morning?" I was asked that by Regan as he gently told me that I was being a "little" hard to deal with.

" No, I replied...I am just tired...and I am thinking about work today...and how busy it will be."

A few minutes later...

"and I am mentally preparing myself for hanging out with _________ (a good friend of mine), because I have a feeling that she is going to drop the "I am pregnant" bomb on me!"

And that, my friends, is the honest truth.

This morning, I was so consumed with the fact that my friend MIGHT be telling me she is pregnant today, that I was a little,okay, maybe a lot  hard to deal with this morning.

These are my context clues...

1. I was told months ago from a mutual friend of ours that "said" friend would probably be trying soon...

2. and, when we started to plan what we would do, she offered to come to my house.

3. We haven't picked a place yet, normally we grab a drink, but I am assuming...since I think she is prego, that grabbing a drink isn't an option...hence why we haven't picked a place yet.

That is it.

Call me crazy, but I have a feeling.

Or just call me crazy, because that is pretty much how I feel.

I have been praying about these feelings all morning, and they don't seem to subside.

I am anxious, for potentially NO reason.

I project and prepare myself for a situation that may not even happen.

Honestly, though I have been here before, I don't know what to do...

So, I am going to try again.

I am choosing with the help of the Lord, because I am not strong enough to do it on my own, to lay it down.

To believe that even if the above scenario happens, I will be okay.

Lord, this is not about ME, this is about YOU. Help me to relinquish control, to trust in you, and to believe that Your power is made perfect in my weakness. I pray that you carry me, for I can't seem to find my footing. You alone are God, and You alone are faithful.

I read this blog post today by Angie Smith, the author of the book I am reading What Women Fear. Two things stuck out to me most...1 kinda silly, and 1 not so much...

I need the Lord to be MY big, puffy, red life jacket...because I can't do this on my own and lastly, I need to have the eyes of Jesus and see the blessings in the little things.

Patiently Praying-

Much Love-
Al

Navigating my way...

One of my closest friends, who has very recently had a baby, is suffering from postpartum depression. I don't know if it would be considered a minor or a major case, and ultimately, that is irrelevant anyway. What is relevant is that she feels terrible, sad, anxious, and inadequate. I don't know what this is like, and pray that I never have to experience it...because it pretty much seems like hell.

The other side of this touchy subject is that, it seems, that I tend to be the sounding board and listening ear for this very painful place she has found herself. That is the scenario that I find myself having to navigate through.

I don't know how to respond when she says...

"Thinking about him being with me forever will send me into a panic attack"

because all I feel is that I want a "forever child"

I don't know how to respond when she says...

" Is it bad that I would rather be a work with you then at home with my baby"

because I long for the day, when God willing, I don't have to work and can stay home, raise and nurture a baby.

I don't know how to respond when she says...

"People tell me, isn't this a great time, you have a sweet baby...and she responds, no actually, it sucks"

because I desperately long to be in her shoes, to have a baby.

I think the hard part is, the realization, that both places are just really selfish. When she is speaking, all I hear in my head are my desires and my pain. And, honestly, I think when she is speaking, all she is considering is her pain and her anxiety. Two sad and wounded people, functioning out of those places...

I haven't quite figured out what I will do, or how I will handle it...though in talking to my best friend, the Bird, yesterday...she did make a brutally honest observation...she gently let me know that she hears "bitterness creeping in" and she warned me against allowing that to happen.

She was right. She hit the nail on the head. It was hard, but I needed to hear that from her...(though it took getting off the phone and taking a step back to get to that "thankful place)

Somewhere in the process of navigating through this place, bitterness, anger, and selfishness has crept in.

I do think there is a balance somewhere. A sensitivity on both sides to "where we each are in this place." A commitment to stepping into each others lives, calls for a stepping outside of ourselves.

I am so proud of this friend for her openness and vulnerability. My heart breaks for the unexpected place she has found herself, and I pray with her for the day it will change.She knows these feelings are not truly indicative of how she feels, that so many elements play into these circumstances. And she knows that these feelings are temporary.

And maybe, just maybe, that is my answer...to pray, to beg for the ability to extend grace and mercy from the One person that can give me that. That God would allow me to step outside of myself, and love her where she is, regardless of how she loves me back.

For He extends that grace and mercy on me every day.

Patiently Praying-

Much Love-
Al