Needing a distraction

To the woman who loved well and loved hard...

It is amazing how you can feel so positive and joyful in one instance and bam, something happens and robs you of that joy...

That is what I am dealing with right now. Sad. Trying not to be anxious and over analyzing. Trying to focus on other things and not be consumed with the emotions in my head. So on that note, there is something else on my heart that I will blog about instead.

Friday night was extremely special.

January 31st will mark the ten year anniversary of the death of Nancy Webb Costello. This past Friday night, I was able to be a part of one of the most memorable nights I have had in a really long time. Mike, Regan's dad, took Regan, Lauren and I out for a dinner in honor of their mom. It was a sweet time of hearing and sharing stories, both funny and sad about the women who forever shaped their lives.

You know, I didn't have the opportunity to meet her in person. Regan and I started dating 4 years after she passed. Over my last 6 years of knowing Regan, I find myself thinking quite regularly " I bet that is something his mom would do." It is amazing how children pick up behaviors and sayings, habits and personalities of their parents. Her passing has been something that I have experienced by walking through the grieving process with Regan over the last few years.

However, recently my perspective has changed a little bit.

When I started to think about having a family, everything changed. It is no longer just about this amazing woman that was Regan's mom. It is about a person that I would have loved for our future children to meet. It is about the woman who instilled the qualities into Regan that have made him who he is today. It is about the woman that loved, encouraged,  and adored my husband. It is about the woman who made Regan love to sing out loud. The mom who everyone loved, just like everyone loves Regan. It is about the mom who fell asleep with her bible on her chest and convinced Regan he could do anything and do it well.

This is the mom that made Regan who he is. He will be the dad he will be much in part because of the way his mom was with him.

Friday night was extremely special because though my future children will never know her personally, they will know the stories. They will know the impact that she made on the man who will be their dad.

Because of Friday night...

My babies will know Nancy Costello and I am forever grateful.

Patiently Praying-

Much Love-
Al

Encouragement...

From here...

"And in this moment God fulfills every promise and every prophecy. This, God’s perfect time. God does not wait for the world to get ready, He enters right into the mess.

He makes Himself very least, no more status or opportunity than an easily overlooked infant in the slums where I spend so many hard hours. Very least so that He can commune with the very most desperate – you and me. He doesn’t mind that I am not ready yet and He doesn’t mind the wretched condition of my heart or the stench of my sin. God’s time is now and He enters into the mess, ready or not.

His perfect timing, now. Now is where He has called us. And we are just not ready yet. We need to clean up the house a bit and pray a little more and seek more counsel and we don’t know how to do that yet and oh, we have our excuses. And God says, “I’m here now, and I am ok with the mess because I am here for the messy.”


Reflecting on what this past year and my journey with infertility, overall it looks really messy. It looks sad, and angry, frustrating, and jealous. Really...just messy.

Yet such encouragement is found in the fact that the Lord doesn't come for those who have it all together and are self reliant. He comes and loves the messy. Our deep longing and need for the Lord is found when we realize that He is the only one that can clean up the messes. I make a lot of messes in my life when I try and handle things on my own...I am, oh so grateful, that God loves me despite the mess I make.

Praising God that He is here for the messy... ME.

Patiently Praying-

Much Love-
Al

Sometimes...

Sometimes when...

Just saying that makes me think of a Saturday night live sketch or something. I guess that could just be the tone that is echoing in my mind right now, but anyway back to this post.

Sometimes when you are talking to someone you have an epiphany. Almost like being told to heed your own advice and then actually doing it.

I was having an email conversation with one of my best friends about Regan's current job situation. After updating her on where he stands, she said " I am so sincerely sorry you're walking this journey in addition to the infertility one."

My response, and I meant it wholeheartedly, surprised me..."I guess that it is a true test to allowing the Lord to be in control. Hopefully it is a good sign that I am learning and the Lord is trusting me with more..."

One of my greatest realizations in this whole infertility journey has been my uncontrollable need to control. In return, realizing that I have major trust issues with the Lord.

Over the last couple months, my prayer has been that I have learned this lesson and that the Lord would end this phase of my life and answer my prayers. He may not have answered my prayers with a child yet, but it does seem that He has heard me.

Regan lost his job.

Until today, I don't think that I saw the significance of what that truly means. He, the Lord, has revealed that He has increased my faith, and in turn called me to step in deeper. Have you really learned that I am in control Allison? Let's see...

Bam. Infertility AND joblessness...

Who is really in control now?

My tendency has been to ask "why God"? Why would you do this to us? However, through this brief conversation with a dear friend, I am in awe...

Thank you Lord for revealing to me that I have learned to trust you enough to believe that though these times are really tough, you are in control. To reveal to me that obviously I can handle more, because you don't give us more than we can handle. To open my eyes to see that maybe, just maybe, Regan losing his job was a way for the Lord to show me that He really is in control...and for me to believe it.

Patiently Praying...

Much love-
Al

Day 12

I had coffee with a dear friend yesterday morning. It is always a sweet time, that doesn't happen often enough. It is a time of raw vulnerability that comes from a years of earning trust and sharing life. It has brought us to a beautifully transparent friendship that allows tears and laughing to coexist in the same conversation. In our 2 hours of catching up, she of course wanted to know the "update", or lack there of, on what is going on with our fertility journey. Boy, did she ask a loaded question!

In trying to give her a glimpse of what goes on in my head, I began to describe how my life is laid out in days. From cycle day 1 to cycle day 28, it is a myriad of emotions. From temperatures, to ovulation test, to analyzing every symptom of your body, your mind becomes consumed by cycle days. You days are truly numbered...and with every day comes a different emotion. I am in a part of my cycle where hope abounds, so I am going to choose to cling that that right now and allow myself to feel free in this time. Free of the consumption that awaits on the other side.

In the mean time, reading another blog this morning, these words just really touched my heart...

"I see beauty in the outcome and sadness in the death, but they know beauty in the process."

"This is what my loving Father was teaching me every day of the last year, this beauty in the process. That while a healed and whole family is a marvelous thing to behold, the process that got us there is where He was most glorified and where He drew us to Himself. That a wound all healed and covered with smooth new skin is not nearly as wonderful as the relationship that was built while I bandaged that wound everyday for 8 months and cried tears and laughed stories of my Savior. That dreams die and plans change and seasons end, but He is not done yet. He sees the seeds that come with all the endings and He is faithful to turn them into harvest, into beauty.
 
Sometimes we look out at our lives and it seems the garden is empty – plans dead as withered leaves, dreams laid waste. Could we rejoice in the season of waiting, believing that God who brought Jesus out of the black tomb and brings green shoots out of hard earth will bring new life out of all dark seasons too? Could we know that beauty is in this whole process, the waiting part too, not just the end result?"

My prayer in this time of hope is that I will trust that God is working in this time of waiting...that he is healing this wound that has been numbered daily for 18 months. That there truly will be beauty in the process. That though it seems like a season of complete drought, of dreams dying, that He is faithful and will turn this time into harvest and beauty.

I know that looking back, baby Ellis will be worth the wait, the pain, the anger, the sadness. Ellis will be worth every single numbered day of my cycle...

Patiently, and sometimes not so patiently praying...

much love-
Al

Trusting in the Promise...

In light of the new year, I read this and was instantly reminded of the promise...

"We have to remember. Because how can we ever move forward if we don’t look back? This God, He makes promises and in remembering we see the truth: this God, He keeps promises." (from here: http://kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com/)

I was reminded of the promise the Lord gave me in my journal when I was in a really desperate place. I get in those places sometimes. More than I would like.

Anyway...He promised He had a baby for me.

He didn't promise when, how, or how many.

He just promised.

And the words above were so helpful in reminding me that if I don't look back, how will I ever remember or see the promises of the Lord.

He keeps His promises.

Patiently praying for the fulfillment of His promise to me...

Much Love-
Al

Out with the old...

Obviously, the blog went on vacation when I did! Sorry about that. Fortunately, the rest and time away was nice and refreshing and will hopefully get me back on the blog train now. There has been a lot to reflect on over the last couple weeks. It has been interesting to think back over the previous year and really spend some time reflecting on it. There has been some ups for sure, but there have also been a lot of downs. I feel as though 2011 was actually a really hard year, so I am excited to close the chapter and move forward with hope and expectation for 2012.

With the end of 2011, the Lord showed us it is out with the old by releasing Regan from the job that he didn't really love anyway. It has been a hard time and also a really sweet time of seeing God's provision and faithfulness. We have been here before, and it is neat to look back and remember that God carried us the first time and will do the same this time. I am excited to see where the Lord will put Regan next, and though at times, it is overwhelming and scary, overall, we really see the Lord's hand in this. He has a ton of opportunities right now, so we are praying that the Lord makes His path clear. That we will see closed doors as prevision and not discouragement. That the Lord would give us discernment and wisdom, and that Regan would find a job that he really loves doing and utilizes his strengths.

I was hoping that out with the old also meant the Lord would answer our prayer for a baby with this first months treatment of fertility medicine, but it doesn't seem that is the case. As Regan and I were driving home to Florida for Christmas, we talked about where we were last year at this same time...driving home to Florida for Christmas and sad (sad might be a slight understatement...it is more like devastated) that I wasn't pregnant. It is hard to imagine that an entire year and more has gone by of being in this place. Though I was hopeful that this would be the month...it isn't and with that comes more sadness. My prayer is that God will answer our prayer in the next couple months, and that this hard time will too come to a close.

The end of 2011 also brought to light many burdens for family members that are in hard and really bad places. It definitely puts things in perspective in light of all we are going through. Regan and I returned from vacation with heavy hearts and a burden to pray for our families and the situations they are in. That coupled with our own situations has really pressed hard on us. I pray that I see that as the thumb of the Lord pressing on us, but sometimes, I just really pray to be released from this!

Our house has to be the main blessing and example of God's provision from 2011. Last Christmas we were in the rental condo and feeling like we would be there forever! In April, the Lord blessed us with a house that exceeded all our expectations. It has been such a sweet place where our friends and family love to come, a place to host our community group, a place of comfort for friends to stay in times of need, and a place that Regan and I love to come home too. There isn't a day that passes where one of us doesn't say how much we love and appreciate our home. We are so grateful for the blessing of this house. The Lord knew that this year of me struggling so much with infertility, I would need a place that felt like a shelter, a place to seek refuge in a way...and He gave that to me in Regan and in this home. My prayer is that the Lord will fill this house...

So, we enter 2012 with heavy hearts.

We are praying for mountain tops in 2012. I am praying that I can look back on this post and see God's hand woven throughout these times. We are praying for answers, praying for a job, and still...

Praying for baby Ellis...

Much love in 2012-
Al