A little back story

Honesty, I don't even know why I feel the need to start this blog, other than the desire to express what is on my heart without the fear of being judged or have to deal with people's reactions. My story isn't unlike many others, it isn't as tragic as some, and it isn't as easy as others. It is just MY story. It is the story that God has yet to complete. It is the story where I am learning patience and a release of control. It is a story full of questions, doubt, extreme highs, and extreme lows. It is a story of fear and freedom. The story of a girl, blinded by bellies, ultimately desiring to be blindsided by the Lords plan.

Here is the history! My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years. For the past almost 3 years we just really took the time to enjoy being married, travel, and have the freedom to do what we wanted. A year ago, my reproductive system kicked in and the desire to have a baby took over. I can't really say this was a gradual thing, it kinda just came on. I mean, I was ready, he was ready, that was it. Let's have a baby. So we thought. A year later, we are still here. Babyless (that isn't a word, but it is what I am :)) . Now, you need to know that I got married later, when I was 29. Wouldn't change it, my 20's were amazing! So now, I am 33. I am not saying that it is too old to have a baby, but I am saying these ovaries aren't 22. They aren't in their prime. I am going to be an old mom. Those are all thoughts for other post to come at a later time. Anyway, that is it. It is hard to believe that it is a year later and baby E (we already have a family name picked out for our future first child, is that weird) has yet to come into existence. I am a Christian. I believe in the Lords timing in my heart. I pray daily for my mind to wrap itself around that, yet in my sinful human self, i fail greatly.

I will share with you what my prayer has been for the last year. These are the words I attempt to cling to when I start bleeding every month. When the glimmer of hope is dashed...

" But as for me, my prayer is to you, O Lord. At an acceptable time, O God, in the abundance of your steadfast love answer me in your saving faithfulness." Psalm 69:13.

On a final note, this quote was in my devotional the other day. It really rang true to me, I think because it was timely and applicable.

"German poet Rainer Maria Rike said in a letter, “Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even knowing it, live your way to the answer.”

I believe that I will live to see the answer, because the Lord will reveal that to me in His time.

Until then...I am blinded by bellies. Sue Me.

Prayerfully waiting...

Much love-
Allison