Navigating my way...

One of my closest friends, who has very recently had a baby, is suffering from postpartum depression. I don't know if it would be considered a minor or a major case, and ultimately, that is irrelevant anyway. What is relevant is that she feels terrible, sad, anxious, and inadequate. I don't know what this is like, and pray that I never have to experience it...because it pretty much seems like hell.

The other side of this touchy subject is that, it seems, that I tend to be the sounding board and listening ear for this very painful place she has found herself. That is the scenario that I find myself having to navigate through.

I don't know how to respond when she says...

"Thinking about him being with me forever will send me into a panic attack"

because all I feel is that I want a "forever child"

I don't know how to respond when she says...

" Is it bad that I would rather be a work with you then at home with my baby"

because I long for the day, when God willing, I don't have to work and can stay home, raise and nurture a baby.

I don't know how to respond when she says...

"People tell me, isn't this a great time, you have a sweet baby...and she responds, no actually, it sucks"

because I desperately long to be in her shoes, to have a baby.

I think the hard part is, the realization, that both places are just really selfish. When she is speaking, all I hear in my head are my desires and my pain. And, honestly, I think when she is speaking, all she is considering is her pain and her anxiety. Two sad and wounded people, functioning out of those places...

I haven't quite figured out what I will do, or how I will handle it...though in talking to my best friend, the Bird, yesterday...she did make a brutally honest observation...she gently let me know that she hears "bitterness creeping in" and she warned me against allowing that to happen.

She was right. She hit the nail on the head. It was hard, but I needed to hear that from her...(though it took getting off the phone and taking a step back to get to that "thankful place)

Somewhere in the process of navigating through this place, bitterness, anger, and selfishness has crept in.

I do think there is a balance somewhere. A sensitivity on both sides to "where we each are in this place." A commitment to stepping into each others lives, calls for a stepping outside of ourselves.

I am so proud of this friend for her openness and vulnerability. My heart breaks for the unexpected place she has found herself, and I pray with her for the day it will change.She knows these feelings are not truly indicative of how she feels, that so many elements play into these circumstances. And she knows that these feelings are temporary.

And maybe, just maybe, that is my answer...to pray, to beg for the ability to extend grace and mercy from the One person that can give me that. That God would allow me to step outside of myself, and love her where she is, regardless of how she loves me back.

For He extends that grace and mercy on me every day.

Patiently Praying-

Much Love-
Al