The Heart of the matter

"I am the thorn in your crown
But You love me anyway
I am the sweat from Your brow
But You love me anyway
I am the nail in Your wrist
But You love me anyway
I am Judas' kiss
But You love me anyway
See now I am the man who yelled out from the crowd
For Your blood to be spilled on this earth shaking ground
Yes then I turned away with a smile on my face
With this sin in my heart, tried to bury Your grace
And then alone in the night I still call out for You
So ashamed of my life, my life, my life

But You love me anyway
Oh God, how You love me
Yes You love me anyway
It's like nothing in life
That I've ever known
Yes You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me"

- Side Walk Prophets

Regan and I had a meeting with our Pastor yesterday. Just a time to share, check in, and really get to the heart of what is going on in our lives. It was hard, challenging, raw, vulnerable, and so refreshing. We left emotionally drained, yet so full. The relationship we have with our pastor is special and I am so thankful.

There is a lot of processing and thinking yet to come. However, some harsh truth stemmed from the questions he kept digging into yesterday.

I described my most overall emotion in regards to not being pregnant as "frustration."

He asked to examine that closer. "What am I frustrated at?"

The harsh truth, when we got to the heart of the matter?

I am frustrated at God because it seems as though He isn't hearing me, if He did, He would answer...

He goes deeper..."What does that mean?"

If He isn't hearing me, then His promises in scripture must not be true?

Deeper still..."and if His scripture isn't true?"

Than He is a Liar.

"And if He is a Liar, what does that mean?"

That He doesn't love me, so I don't trust in Him to be in control.

Yes.

That is the raw, honest, and ugly truth.

I can stay at the surface of it all and stay frustrated, or I can go deep and be honest with what that frustration means.

It was a really hard realization, yet, one that really needed to be brought to light.

There will be a lot of time spent repenting and working to allow the Lord to show me His beauty and remind me that He does love me.

The song above came on the radio on my drive to work, and the message is something that truly spoke to my heart...

"See now I am the man who yelled out from the crowd
For Your blood to be spilled on this earth shaking ground
Yes then I turned away with a smile on my face
With this sin in my heart, tried to bury Your grace"

But YOU loved me anyway... 

In the midst of my doubt, my calling him a liar, and my need to control...

He loves me anyway.

Lord, I don't deserve your grace, but I am eternally thankful for your pursuit of my heart.

Humbly and Patiently Praying-

Much Love-

Al