Talitha koum!

"After He put them all out, He took her by the hand and said to her, “Talitha koum!” (which means “Little girl, I say to you, get up!”). There are circumstances and situations in the natural that seem dead and hopeless. We may find ourselves saying, “How can I arise? Everything is dead in me. There’s nothing left.” That’s where God’s hand come in. He doesn’t just leave it to you."

This was in a devotion I read this morning that was sent to me over the weekend.  I have been wrestling a lot lately with the concept of "my portrait" vs. the "Lord's portrait". I thought that I had learned this lesson long ago, but I guess I was wrong.

I am constantly confronted with questions and thoughts in my mind, that if I allow them, will send my into a downward spiral.

For a long time, I have had a vision of what my life looked like. I long to be a mom to not one, but many children. I long stay at home, to raise and nurture them, to volunteer in their schools, to walk beside them as they grow. Those are the desires of my heart.

However, if I dwell too much on the details, I begin to question rather this is even a possibility anymore. I begin to believe the lies...I am too old for this to happen, what if I never get pregnant, or it takes years to figure out how our family will look?

Like the quote above, at most times, it really seems like there is nothing left in me, the hope is dead.

But the quote continues, that that is what I am working to focus on. The Lord's hand comes in. He doesn't leave me. He calls me to get up. To not give into the fear that holds me captive. I have literally felt lately and found myself praying that the Lord will carry me through this time. I am at a place where I don't even feel like I can walk through it anymore. 

I know that the Lord calls me to lay my portrait down and allow him to be the painter. To release my plans into His. To allow him to complete the picture that He started so long ago...

I dozed off yesterday afternoon with my friends 3 week old sleeping on my chest and I couldn't help but feel that this is what I was created for. My heart ached and longed for a child of my own.

Lord, please carry me. I am grasping for your hand.

Patiently Praying-

Much love-

Al