Day 12

I had coffee with a dear friend yesterday morning. It is always a sweet time, that doesn't happen often enough. It is a time of raw vulnerability that comes from a years of earning trust and sharing life. It has brought us to a beautifully transparent friendship that allows tears and laughing to coexist in the same conversation. In our 2 hours of catching up, she of course wanted to know the "update", or lack there of, on what is going on with our fertility journey. Boy, did she ask a loaded question!

In trying to give her a glimpse of what goes on in my head, I began to describe how my life is laid out in days. From cycle day 1 to cycle day 28, it is a myriad of emotions. From temperatures, to ovulation test, to analyzing every symptom of your body, your mind becomes consumed by cycle days. You days are truly numbered...and with every day comes a different emotion. I am in a part of my cycle where hope abounds, so I am going to choose to cling that that right now and allow myself to feel free in this time. Free of the consumption that awaits on the other side.

In the mean time, reading another blog this morning, these words just really touched my heart...

"I see beauty in the outcome and sadness in the death, but they know beauty in the process."

"This is what my loving Father was teaching me every day of the last year, this beauty in the process. That while a healed and whole family is a marvelous thing to behold, the process that got us there is where He was most glorified and where He drew us to Himself. That a wound all healed and covered with smooth new skin is not nearly as wonderful as the relationship that was built while I bandaged that wound everyday for 8 months and cried tears and laughed stories of my Savior. That dreams die and plans change and seasons end, but He is not done yet. He sees the seeds that come with all the endings and He is faithful to turn them into harvest, into beauty.
 
Sometimes we look out at our lives and it seems the garden is empty – plans dead as withered leaves, dreams laid waste. Could we rejoice in the season of waiting, believing that God who brought Jesus out of the black tomb and brings green shoots out of hard earth will bring new life out of all dark seasons too? Could we know that beauty is in this whole process, the waiting part too, not just the end result?"

My prayer in this time of hope is that I will trust that God is working in this time of waiting...that he is healing this wound that has been numbered daily for 18 months. That there truly will be beauty in the process. That though it seems like a season of complete drought, of dreams dying, that He is faithful and will turn this time into harvest and beauty.

I know that looking back, baby Ellis will be worth the wait, the pain, the anger, the sadness. Ellis will be worth every single numbered day of my cycle...

Patiently, and sometimes not so patiently praying...

much love-
Al