Navigating my way...

First off, I started my period, and I am okay. The chorus to this song we sing in church has been ringing through my mind all morning.

"If Your promise is true, then Your mercies are new, every morning that I wake."

God's promises are true. I have prayed for strength, peace, and comfort...and that is what I feel.

Does it make it easier? Not necessarily, but it makes it okay. And that is all I can ask for.

On another note, I am still navigating through what it looks like to just "be" in this place. I have really been working on being real and vulnerable and recently that has come back to kinda bite me. Here is how...

This past weekend, Regan and I were asked to hang out with some friends of ours that are pregnant. Some weeks I am okay and would be up for it. This past week was not one of those. On Thursday night the husband of this couple ask me if we were going to be able to have dinner with them on Friday. I answered honestly. My response was, No. That I was in a bad place and wasn't really up for being social and hanging out with pregnant people. I mentioned that there are a lot of situations that I can't avoid being around pregnant people, and that this time, I needed to be honest and real with where I was, and since I could choose, I was choosing to give myself a break and not go to dinner with them. I said that it was nothing personal against them, that I loved them both, I just needed space. 

I thought it went really well! I felt a sense of freedom in being able to be honest about where I was. The husband said he appreciated my honesty. End of convo. Now please note, they are well aware of the struggle I have been having, so this was not news to them.

Well...I WAS WRONG!

Fast forward to yesterday, when Regan is hanging out with the above husband and they get to talking. The husband says, "We were really hurt that you guys didn't hang out with us because we are pregnant. Is this ever going to change? You guys are our friends and we want to hang out with you." Sweet Regan didn't really know what to say, other than it is really hard for me and he doesn't know if or when it will change.

Regan and I had an extensive conversation about it last night, and honestly, I still haven't reconciled it in my head. Honestly, I don't feel bad for not being in a place to hang out with them. I don't fault them for their situation, and I don't hold it against them. I can honestly say that I am happy for them. I just knew, in that moment, I needed to take care of myself...and that meant not hanging out with them. I know that they don't understand, and never will. They have not experienced what it is like to be in this place. Therefore, they have no empathy for us. I don't fault them for that either. Regan mentioned that based on the conversation I had with the husband, they knew that I was intentionally choosing not to hang out with them, and that was a harsh and hurtful reality. I get that.

I guess I am just left wondering, how do you handle a situation like that? I could have easily just said that we were busy, but that would have been a lie. We went out with non-pregnant friends that night instead! Next time, if there is a next time, I would definitely be inclined to take the "easy way" out and make up an excuse, but these are people that we have committed to an open and honest relationship with...so what does that look like in reality?

I still don't know the answers to these questions. The conversation is still really recent, and something I thought had gone really well, obviously wasn't received well.

There is no easy answer to any of these questions or situations. I am learning as I go...

Here's to next month!

Patiently Praying-

Much Love-
Al