My trust can and can't be in the test...

It is around this week of the month, that I feel like I could write multiple post a day about how I am feeling. In the middle of the month (middle of the cycle), I am calm, not questioning, not reeling with emotion, and therefore not bursting with blog content. So, I guess that reality is...this is a venue for me to express my emotions.

I mentioned in an earlier post that Regan and I recently went through some testing in order to rule out the fact that anything was wrong with us, and therefore keeping us from getting pregnant.  One of the test conducted was, in layman's terms, a dye test. Basically, this uncomfortable painful test had a radiologist inject dye into my fallopian tubes in hopes that it would spill out through my ovaries. The purpose of the test was to make sure that there was no blockage in the fallopian tubes that would inhibit "free travel"! Here is one of the pics from the test...

(I took this picture in the room where the test was conducted to show Regan! I am sure the tech thought I was crazy!)

Anyway, as you can see from the picture above, everything went as it should have. The technician did say that the right side was a little slower "spilling" out than the left, but in the end...everything looked "Normal".

When Regan and I were at the doctor and she was prepping us for these test, she said that this dye test would work like Roto Rooter, in that it cleans everything out!  Her exact quote was,

" The 3 months after this test are the most fertile months." " Let's wait and see what happens during those 3 months, I can't tell you how many women come in after they have this test and are pregnant."

Those words were like music to my ears. My exact thoughts at that moment were, that WILL be me! This will be what works for us! I was determined to have the test, and have it done as soon as possible.

Well, as I am starting my period this month, it will be the 2nd month of my "MOST FERTILE MONTHS". In my head, time is running out. But is it really?

I have realized since that test, that subconsciously, I have put a lot of hope and trust in this test. Yes, the test was great in that it showed that there was no blockage occurring, and yes, there is truth in that. However, there is no truth in the fact that the test will make me pregnant. I am learning that daily. I have found myself clinging and grasping to these "most fertile months" and begging God to work within them, ultimately, not trusting that His plan doesn't rely on the test timing, but on His timing alone.

There is something to be said about the comfort and the trust that we have found in modern day medicine. I am incredibly thankful that it provides answers to the unknown. However, in my need to control, I have also found that it does more than answer my questions. It creates a seed of trusting in a false feeling of control. Trusting in the test, more than I am trusting in the Lord. It really is a hard balance. We are so blessed to know, based on the results of these test, that there is nothing wrong. I believe that the Lord has provided that comfort. In my human, controlling, nature...I have abused the information gathered from these test and allowed them to hold a greater significance. I have allowed these answers to comfort me, instead of allowing the Lord to comfort me.

Lord, my prayer is that You would be my Hope. You have showed me that you are greater than these test. That your timing and plan doesn't revolve around the results. Please give me the ability to trust that you are still working.That I will cling to you and that I would run to you for my comfort.

I am heading into month 3, and though everything in me wants to scream that time is running out....

I choose now to trust in the Lord's timing.

Patiently Praying-

Much love,
Al

" My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
2 Cor. 12:9