Dichotomy is a big word!

As defined by Webster's dictionary...

di·chot·o·my

: a division into two especially mutually exclusive or contradictory groups or entities <the dichotomy between theory and practice>; also : the process or practice of making such a division <dichotomy of the population into two opposed classes>

It is an odd thing really. I didn't know it was possible until a few years ago as I was going through some counseling and working on some different things that were going on in my life. I was shocked, surprised, and relieved to find out that I wasn't crazy. That your heart and your mind could feel two vastly different emotions at the same time. It doesn't make sense really, and it is still, to this day hard to understand. But today, that is exactly where I am. I have a dichotomy of feelings going on in my head and heart. I think that really, most days, I have this. It's just that some days, like today, it is so evident. 

It started like this...

Wake up and I am spotting.  Awesome.

I take a shower and cry/pray out to the Lord. "Please give me peace. Help me to trust in Your plans."

Then I get an email that starts like this:

"Good News!! Our birthmother showed up, we saw the judge, and "L" legally became our daughter!"

I am so excited for the friend above, and sooo extremely sad for myself. I don't necessarily think that this is me being selfish either! I can definitely admit and recognize when I am being selfish, and I don't think that this is one of those times.

I am sad and I am happy. The sadness definitely is more evident now than the happiness, but I know they are both there. 

I am sad that another month goes by that we are not pregnant.

I am sad that the experience of having kids is something that I can't share yet with those that I am closest too.

I am sad that I am still having trouble finding peace and trusting in the Lord. 

I am sad that I allow this situation to rob me of joy.

I am just sad. Just plain sad.

Our devotional this morning was about how being thankful draws you closer to God. I pray today, that the Lord will change my mind set. That He will draw close.

1 Thessalonians 5:18

"Rejoice always, ¹⁷ pray continually, ¹⁸ give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.  "

To be thankful that I get my period.

To be thankful that it means that I can get pregnant.

To be thankful that he has allowed my friends to have babies.

To be thankful that HE is in control still.

Is there such thing as a Trichotomy? There must be, because today...

I will be Thankful, Happy, and Sad.

Patiently Praying...

Much love-

Al

"Even if the fig tree does not bloom and the vines have no grapes, even if the olive tree fails to produce and the fields yield no food, even if the sheep pen is empty and the stalls have no cattle — even then, I will be happy with the Lord. I will truly find joy in God, who saves me.” Habakkuk 3:17-18 (GW)