So, my husband and I went to the U2 concert this past weekend! It was the first time in 30 years that the band had come to Nashville, we couldn't pass up the opportunity to see them, as the chance that we will see them again ever is very slim! After the show, you can log onto the bands website and view a 360 Degree cam of the concert you attended. You can find yourself in the crowd, tag yourself, and tell everyone in the world you were there! For a brief moment, in looking at the online web cam this morning, my 360 vision was clear. Every other moment of most days, I am surrounded on all sides!
I think that part of life is living it with friends, sharing experiences, and walking through the journey together! That is all fine and great, until your journeys start to look different. Then what do you do? There are four friends. This is what the past year looked like. One of us, my person, my best friend (I call her Bird) got married, moved to Birmingham and immediately got pregnant. She was the first of us to get "prego" as I like to call it. Around the same time, another one of our group went through a really difficult miscarriage. During this same time, the 3rd was experiencing the possibility of not being able to have a baby, and pursuing fertility treatments. Then there was me. Trying to get pregnant and it not happening.
Here is where we are now. Bham has a baby. Friend who had miscarriage, adopting a baby in Ethiopia as we speak (her second), friend with fertility problems=pregnant. Me= still trying. To add a little salt to the obvious wound, I work daily in an office right next door to said pregnant friend. I get to stare at her ever growing belly on a daily basis!
In response to working through what it meant for all my friends who are the closest to me to either be pregnant or have children, what did I do? Spend more time with other people, or not spend time with people at all! I found my desire to stay home unlike never before. I became a recluse of sorts. Mostly hanging out with my community group from church because the girls are young and mostly single. It was like I was trying to say this to God..."I can outsmart you." "You keep surrounding me by these pregnant people, but I can hide from it, I can not deal with the emotions of wanting it so badly and not having it."" I CAN CONTROL THIS SITUATION." Then it happened...
One of the only other married girls in my community group announced...SHE WAS PREGNANT!
Where can I go now?
I thought, really Lord? Why are you doing this? Where can I go to escape this?
His answer...No WHERE.
The next week. I got a call from my sister-in-law..." I just wanted to let you know that we are pregnant"
Cue breakdown.
In another post, I will go into the dichotomy of feelings that are running around in my heart and mind on a daily basis, as I can honestly say, I am happy for all these people yet really sad for myself.
For today, I simply want to admit that I am still, on a daily basis, having trouble with being surrounded. Waiting daily for another announcement from someone. Avoiding certain social situations because I know I can't handle seeing one more belly.
Today I am blinded by the 360 cam of my reality yet striving to focus on the fact that the Lord knows my reality and He sees beyond the limited vision that I have. He knows my future. He knows the whole picture, and in that, I will try to find joy.
Consider what God has done:
Who can straighten
what he has made crooked?
14 When times are good, be happy;
but when times are bad, consider this:
God has made the one
as well as the other.
Therefore, no one can discover
anything about their future.
Prayerfully Waiting...
Much Love-
Al
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