So what's next?

Isn't that always the question? It seems as though our culture and society revolve around instant gratification and the "what next" complex. But what happens when you are just stuck?

I feel like no matter where you are in life, you always find yourself asking this question.

Regan and I have been trying to have a baby for just about a year now. Though I thought it would happen sooner and easily, I always had in my head... "once we have been trying for a year, we will go to the doctor and have some test." I think that was my thought process because the doctor had told me that they don't even start to look into things until it had been a year. Anyway, in the back of my head, for this past year I had the answer to my "what next" question. Go to the doctor. And to the doctor we went.

In our appointment, Regan went with me, we discussed the testing process that we would go through to make sure that everything was okay. This was a range of blood work, x-rays, some test on Regan, etc. At the end of this check list, we would have a better idea of what was going on.

Within a month, we had the check list completed (I am efficient :)) and the results were in.

Normal.

Everything was Normal.

Though a rush of relief came over both Regan and I, I did admit later in the day that in a way, I was honestly disappointed. It sort of would have been easier for the test to identify that something was wrong, work towards fixing it, and have an answer to why we hadn't gotten pregnant yet. Instead, we were now stuck in a place of..."what next" since the "going to the doctor" answer was no longer applicable.

I was just asked the other day from a close and pregnant friend of mine, when I thought I would be ready to explore more. The exact question was something to the extent of "Do you think you are at a place where you are ready to try something else". ie fertility medicines, fertility doctors, etc. Internally and honestly, I wanted to punch her, of course I would never do that, and she is pregnant none the less! Outwardly, I just took a deep breath and responded...

No.

Am I at a place where I am dying to know what is next?!? ABSOLUTELY.

Am I at a place where I am grasping to give myself a false sense of control by "exploring" other options?!? ABSOLUTELY

Will I let myself go there right now?!? NO

We are on month 2 of "after the doctor what is next?" life. The test results are clear. Everything is normal. To me, that normal can only mean one thing. There is no answer right now to what is next for us. Only the Lord knows the answer to that question. I am fighting daily to cling to that reality and truth. No matter what test we have, how many doctors we see, or what steps we explore next...there will always be a "what's next". I have realized that my tendency is to be extremely judgmental of my friends who have taken the "what next" question into their own control and pursued, pursued, and pursued the answer whether it be through adoption or fertility treatments. I envy their answers and their pregnancy's. However, the truth keeps coming to mind...

Regardless of their motives, the Lord is still the answer to their pursuits. Had His plan been for them not to get pregnant or get an adoption referral, He would have kept that from happening.

Learning to be content in the unknown, content in not knowing the answer to "What's next" may be one of the hardest places to be. Realizing that the only answer truly is "God has a plan and knows the answer" has to be enough for me right now. I pray daily that the Lord will answer this lingering question with a baby of our own. However, I am begining to realize that honestly, I am just a slow learner. Seeing that this a question that I continually find myself asking through out my life. I guess I should just be praying that the Lord will help me to be content in the unknown because it will always be there, even after this question is answered.

The truth is, we are living the answer to the "what's next" question. Our daily lives are the answer to that because the Lord has us right where he wants us every minute of every day.

Patiently Praying...

Much love-
Al